Couch 215: The Overcoming Couch

I think it's pretty! You may just need to figure out what style suits you best. I do better with stuff that's more Impressionist or a bit abstract rather than realism. And if you had fun, that's the most important part!

I don't do so well with realism either. I agree that fun is the most important part! Fun, and how it gets me out of my head!

I would only want realism. I still remember the first time I saw a monet painting in person and I don't really get all the fuss. It is fuzzy and blurry and often purple. I don't mind pointillism as much. Impressionism reminds me of therapy -it is blurry and nebulous, and people rave about it in a manner that completely confuses me.

I used to paint back before I was on AP's. Now I don't want to do any of the things that I used to do. I did do a drawing the other day when I was triggered and then crumpled it up and threw it away. Not that it was bad artistically, just the subject matter was dark. It made me feel better. I guess one of these days I could try painting again. My concentration has really turned to crap even with the ADHD medication.

“Fuzzy and blurry and often purple”...oh, that is spot on.

Yes, definitely the getting out of my head part!

Got my labs back from the blood work I had done on Monday. Most everything looks good. One liver enzyme is elevated, but it has been for the last several labs and both regular PCP and Pdoc said not to worry about that one (but I do--otherwise why would they test it?) and even though my glucose had gone down a little, my A1C went to 5.8 which I think is pre-diabetes! Ack!!! My glucose was in the normal range though. So IDK why that shows that. My labs look pretty good otherwise. My good cholesterol has come up. I guess I do need to take the dang supplements which are huge pills. Funny, I was looking at the cholesterol medication this morning, and it should be a 30 day supply but I've been using the same bottle for a while now. I looked at it, and it said 90 pills. Somehow the pharmacy gave me 90 pills instead of 30. Then I wonder why I have all these extra bottles of stuff laying around!

Your A1C is like an average of what your blood sugar has been over time. When they took the blood sample, your glucose may have been normal, but on average over time, it has been high.

You mentioned antipsychotics in a previous post. I know some of those can affect liver tests and raise blood sugar, so maybe those affected your A1C? I'd check with your doctor about it. I think they can affect cholesterol as well.

Thanks LT! Yes, I think the AP has been bad for my physical health overall, not just the weight gain but with some of these other things. My Mom cooks pretty healthy but I'm going to ask her to add another vegetable to dinner every night because usually only a third of the plate is vegetables and it's supposed to be half. So I'll ask her to do that and see what other things my doctor suggests. Diabetes runs in my family so I need to be careful. I know I need to lose weight and I've been trying but the AP makes me so hungry all the time. But the AP has been really good for my mental health so it's like, ack, whatcha gonna do?!!

Thanks for the explanation!

All 3 of my kitties enjoying a little backyard time this morning. I never thought I would let Penny go outside, I was always afraid she would be over the wall first chance she got, but so far so good. I'm glad I finally gave her a chance, she seems to really enjoy being outside and doesn't give me any trouble when I want them to come inside (so far anyway). I won't leave her out there unsupervised though because of our neighborhood hawk.

So cute, Artie!

Thanks Kit!



In other news my summer class starts Tuesday, I'm looking forward to getting back to a Psych class (taking Developmental Psych). Mythology was fun though! I always enjoy the discussions, but this particular class they were more enjoyable than usual especially when we were discussing the use of ancient myths in modern movies/entertainment, I don't think there were any duplicates as far as movies or books chosen. It was so interesting hearing how everyone related the movies to the myths and stuff, and made me want to watch movies I haven't seen before and to rewatch ones I have seen with new perspective.

For a minute there, i thought you were talking about me...

Adorable pic, Art!

The only reason I'm staying at work today, instead of going home for a mental health day, is that we are having Jimmy Johns for lunch. And I've never had anything from there so I want to try it.

I feel kind of catatonic today. I could definitely just sit in the same place and not move for hours. It's hard to move. Like my muscles feel rigid. Especially the long muscles in my legs and arms. At least I'm at a desk. So I don't have to move much.

Ooh! What are you going to order? The guac gives me the runs, and i never order tuna fish salad out. I usually get turkey or roast beef, but lately ive been getting the italian. Its pretty hard core! I always omit the bacon and ham on my turkey, too salty for me. And i get lite cheese, otherwise it seems too cheesy. I like extra tomato and lettuce, but sometimes they go overboard with the lettuce to where youre eating a salad! Also yeah if you get the baguette, get the insides out, otherwise it is too much bread. The wheat bread is like cake.

Not that i have a strong opinion about it!

Today's session was mostly about ex-MC, as I'd emailed him recently (where he replied and BCCed Dr. T on his reply...grrr). I feel like I'm now distanced enough from that relationship (terminated around 2 years ago) that I can see it in a different light and have a different understanding of what went on. And it's also helping me see how the way Dr. T is toward me is ultimately more beneficial. Where maybe it doesn't feel that way in the moment, but in the long-term. That ex-MC seemed like he was trying to almost give me a corrective parenting experience, which was limited by his being my MC. Dr. T said much of it likely felt good in the moment, but that I'd never quite be satisified. That I'd want more, to be able to have it all the time, and he said if it felt that good to me, he'd--as in Dr. T--likely feel that same, too (like wanting that all the time). I said it was like a drug, that I'd feel said when I left ex-MC's office because that feeling was gone until next week.

Where Dr. T wants me to find that for myself. I brought up his thing from one of the emails leading to our rupture in August, where he said it wasn't his responsibility to give me hope. Today Dr. T said he wants everyone in my life, including myself, EXCEPT him to be giving me hope. Then he sort of clarified that he means he wants to help me find hope that I can do and feel better. For it to be about believing in myself. Me: "As opposed to you believing in me?" Dr. T: "Yes. I mean, I want to help you get there. To give you the tools to get there."

I said how some of what he'd said in the email (the hope stuff) and in the session where I terminated really hurt at the time. Like his comment that if I found an individual T more like ex-MC (i.e., warm and fuzzy and reassuring) then I'd just become really attached an unable to leave. Today I said that I think maybe the reason some of that hurt so much then was because it was true and I didn't want to face/accept it. It was a good discussion, though pretty teary for me in the last part. I also said how I knew much of the past 10-12 weeks (however long we've been in the pandemic) was just sort of surviving the pandemic stuff. But I want to try to get back to doing more real work instead of just sort of treading water, and this was a part of that. T said he was glad I'd told him that.

At the end he thanked me for sharing so much today. And said he looked forward to talking to me on Monday. Oh, and he was wearing the zebra shirt.

No, that was just the “often purple” bit.

My school has released their Plan for fall. Faculty have to learn some new sync technology. And we have to teach remotely and in-person at once. And somehow keep track of who’s there in person and who’s there remotely—easy in my small classes, not easy in my big 150-person lecture course.

So, with possible salary cuts and firings, our workload increases.

We get our choice between Italian and Turkey (company is ordering it). I'm going to go with the Turkey though. IDK what they are getting on it. Hopefully it's good. Then we will have chips and drinks. At 2 PM we get ice cream today. I'm telling you, it's worth working here just for the food. Now if only they had a fuse ball table, some ping pong tables, a yoga studio, and a lounge...then we would be doing good!

SK, then you would be working at Google!

Yeah or Zappo's I think is like that! I'm telling you, it's the workplace of the future! Fuseball!

Thanks for the update, LT. I’m glad you and T got a chance to talk about this.

How do you feel about ex-MC these days? Do you have a sense of what led you to email him after all this time? (Not judging, just curious about your motivation.)