[Lemoncake]

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

[Blueberry21]

I can’t believe I have to get out of bed to go and see you. I hate this. I might not do it. I might just phone you instead. Although then I won’t see the cat.

I was lashing out at that person and now I just feel like **** about it. That person doesn’t want to hear my tirades and doesn’t care. And now I guess I have to go and tell you about it, I guess.

Also, these antidepressants aren’t even working as far as I can tell. I feel so worthless and alone.

[chihirochild]

Dear T,

I'm terrified for tomorrow's session. Maybe I shouldn't have sent that email. I want to email you to ask for reassurance but that'd just be pathetic at this point since I see you in like... what, 30 hours?

I also want to cancel or not show up so I don't have to see you but that'd be stupid and inconsiderate and would just delay the inevitable.

Please be gentle about this.

-c

[SummerTime12]

Now would be a great time to check your email

[Lemoncake]

When we're good, we're golden, but it feels like we actually spend much more time in rupture mode than anything else and I'm just not sure if it's worth it anymore. Is it just me?

Not denying that we have done some pretty good work together.

I'm not self harming after all and haven't for 646 days.

Excruciating email incoming ... countdown to lift-off commenced.

You were good in the last session, really good. You are smart and brave, sometimes I am reminded of why I continue to work with you. Most of the time you are a horror of course.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sure you would have wanted me to reach out yesterday when I was having suicidal thoughts. But you know....it's like, what am I supposed to say? I think that is a lot to tell someone and have them have to deal with it or their feelings about it or whatever. So, I didn't. I don't know if I will tell you any of this though.

[ElectricManatee]

I hope you bring your "A" game tomorrow because I have some stuff to get into. It could be really good, or it could be a total disaster. That describes most of our sessions lately, though.

I really just hope you're not weird and distant.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
It was nice hearing you say that most people would probably prefer “not-trying to be perfect” me. And how if they don’t, then F*** ‘em. Wish I could have gotten that message, oh, 35-40 years ago. And I appreciate the empathy about my D, too.
Wish you weren’t off Monday, but you deserve a day off. And I’ll see you Tuesday.
Love you (that crossed my mind again as I left today),
LT

[Blueberry21]

After today’s session, I did the opposite of what you suggested. I engaged with that person, and I got a response.

Not that it was really satisfactory. And it never will be. You ARE right about that.

But the fact of the matter is that it is cheaper and easier to get my anger out at that person, rather than sit in your £250/hour office and talk about it.

Also, you have NO idea. I know how you were raised, and you’ve been privileged all your life, and have no idea how it is NOT to have someone to fall back on.

You are just as messed up as I am and have intense issues too, they’re just not as close to the surface and you’re more in control of them.

But ultimately, I’m the patient and you’re the therapist, and so we can’t get into that. I’m the one who said today, “let’s keep this focused on me.”

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I got the sense from your reply today that you were anxious about my safety in the wake of the 'incident' nearby...and it gave me such a warm feeling inside. I know you care about me as a person but somehow it's a whole different thing to think my physical safety matters to you and the thought of me being in danger worries you so you tell me to stay safe. Maybe it's the feeling of being protected, or more so that you would protect me.

[nottrustin]

I really miss you today. I am thankful your family decided to keep you Facebook page up even if it is a memorial page. It is like we still have a connection.

[Lemoncake]

Dear R--,

I'm sorry for the way I act.

At the moment I'm finding therapy very destabilizing and triggering. I don't feel safe. You don't feel safe.

We have done a lot together and i'm not denying that ( 647 self harm free days and counting!) but I just need to pause for now. I need a clear head for my next exam.

Thank you for all the times you have been there for me.

Best wishes,

S-

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi R,

Thanks for sending the article on anxiety and the gut. Today, I made a collage...we'll start there next week. I am also eating my feelings, which is less good.

It's a Hard Week.

[Amandae8787]

I wish you would reply on my email. I have waited two days for your reply. Maybe you’re busy, or maybe you just don’t care. I haven’t told anyone the things I told you in that email, and I feel stupid for thinking that you’d care.

I guess I have to wait until I see you. I don’t want to be a burden for you. I just wish you would understand how much a short reply would mean to me.

I thought I could count on you. I hate being like this and that your words mean that much to me.

[ElectricManatee]

Hmm, okay. That may have been our best session ever. Top five, for sure. I remember now why I still come back to you, even though you drive me crazy sometimes. I'm glad you're in my life. And I think you're glad that I'm in yours too.

[Blueberry21]

I’m sorry I let you down by SH-ing last night before you even had the chance to respond to my email.

I guess I had to reach a crisis point once that terrible memory came back, and once I received an email from that person confirming the memory. I’ll tell you more on Monday and then maybe you’ll understand.

I didn’t drink at all today, and I made it to the pdoc appointment. You probably don’t realize how much of an accomplishment that was.

Anyway, thank you for your ongoing support.

[SummerTime12]

Thanks for being there for me. I really hope you meant it when you said you don’t see me different.

[velcro003]

Dear T: Thanks for putting me in for that session so quickly. It still is so tough to digest the fact I won't see you weekly anymore.

[Rustyfinger]

The answer to your question is: Yes, I missed you. Of course I missed you, in more than a way. I enjoy talking with you, about anything. Did YOU miss ME?

[Lemoncake]

It's the "what are you doing with your life?" question and the supplementary "there's a 1000 things you could be doing right now but you're crying in a dark room." that gets to me the most.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
I'm feeling this random wave of affection and love for you, and also longing. Not sure what that's all about.

Hope you're having a good weekend. I want to tell you about my discussion with P, but that can wait till Tuesday. Miss you.
Love,
LT

[chihirochild]

Dear T,

I feel sort of flat since talking with you yesterday. Felt like SHing but didn’t because I had to host a party. Not exactly sure what we’ll discuss on Monday.

-c

[chihirochild]

Dear T (again),

Yeah I really want to SH. It’s not at a level where I’m actually going to do it, I just really want to. Not sure why—I think I want to punish myself for wishing that you would hold me and this feels like a way to punish the yearning body as well as the mind.

Also I really don’t want to have to work in the ICU tomorrow. I effing hate it.

-c

[velcro003]

Dear T: Thanks for so promptly agreeing to see me on my bday. But this whole situation REALLY sucks. Not to mention the high (to me) deductible. I have never had one, so didn't know the ramifications of it all. I probably won't go back to seeing you weekly at all this year, will I? I don't see how it is possible. I am so upset.