Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

next week it's only 'half' a session, since the paperwork will take up the other half. what's the point of evening bringing up anything 'real' if there's not much time?!? on that note, why bother talking at all

L,
Are you mad at me? Are you going to leave me now? Part of me wants you to leave me. Then I don't have to keep to my promises. I'm really tired of life. Exhausted. And I'm so hurt by your limitations even though I understand them. And yes, it really makes me not trust you. I'm wondering if/when you're going to contact me back. You implied in the last email that I should wait for in session. I didn't miss that, I just chose to disregard it. I didn't want to sit with my feelings. Are you getting tired of me? Have I worn you down? Part of me thinks you're keeping up a charade. There's no way someone can be that nice. I'm waiting for your human side to appear. The one with flaws. I'm not looking to be punished. It's hard. I don't want to lose you, but I do. I want to cancel and I want you to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay.

PS - I really don't want to start school!

Washing done and I started cleaning up this morning.

Next year hopefully will be my final year here and soon it will be time to clear out my tiny studio which has actually become my home. Because of the distance I know I won't be able to take everything back with me - so I'm trying to do it slowly in bits. (Could send it back in boxes but it will be ££).

I donated a full bag of clothing this morning. Letting go of some of the items were hard, but they didn't feel like me anymore. That I've changed in just a few years. I haven't been able to touch the sweaters my grandmother gave me. I haven't spoke about her at all, but feelings about her are seeping out now 5 months later.

Also donated to that charity because being in a suicidal crisis can be scary and not everyone can afford therapy.

A song for you:

'For so many years
We swam into the tide
And we would not abandon heroic and kind...'


, by Glen Phillips.

Grief is praising the things you love and have lost, praise is grieving the things you love and will lose.


Four more sleeps.

Should you be encouraging my newly found physical aggression? "You are not being aggressive, you are being purposeful!" You are the strangest champion of the unwelcome aspects of my personality.

I'm not sure that you've taken it the right way. I actually think that you believe what I was saying was that I'm in love with you and want you as a partner. I didn't mean that! I was saying it from a childlike place but as I went into talking about relationships etc it comes across that I was saying I want you in a romantic way. God. I just don't know how to deal with this. I can't tell you over a text it will sound ridiculous. Cue another week of waiting. I don't think either of us were on form at all during the session so that didn't help. At least one good thing is that if you HAVE taken it to mean that, it hasn't phased you. I do feel a strong attraction to you actually, but I certainly wasn't suggesting a relationship!!

Now the tears have started and it's got nothing to do with you except that it does.

Absolutely crying my eyes out this evening over you and this therapy relationship...but thank you for your quick reply, it did help. I hope you feel much better soon as well. I worry about your health. I worry you will be taken away from me because it's too good to be true.

I don’t know if I can keep going. I really believe my husband would be better off if I was gone.

My new doctor didn’t mention my weight, ask me at all what my diet was like or if I was eating regularly and normally or anything else. So maybe you concerned about all these things is a you problem? No one else seems concerned.

I fear I will miss out on everything by going every other week. This is really not making me feel good AT ALL. I hate it.

wrestling with what to say to you, and yet feeling like you won't actually/truly care anyways, no matter what is said or not said

Dear Pastor T: I hope I can express the distress I experienced this week. I hope I can explain how low of a place I was in. My Mom asked me if she needed to take me to the hospital on Saturday. No one gets hard hard it is to live behind this mask, this mask that everything is okay, when everything is NOT okay. But, there's nothing you can really do about it, is there? Kit

I’m sorry you are feeling so badly, Kit.

Thanks @velcro003, that means a lot. HUGS Kit

I don’t know if I should have told you my SI plan to make it look like an accident. Now if I do it, will you tell people it wasn’t an accident? If I ask you not to tell people that it could have been on purpose (if I ever do it), is that wrong of me to ask? I’m sorry for putting you in this situation.

'They say you learn a lot out there
How to scorch and burn
Gonna have to bury your friends
Then you'll find it gets worse...'

- Nathaniel Rateliff

Well I guess the ball is in your court today. We will either stick it out, you will terminate me or I will quit. Today will be nerve wracking that is for sure.

Dear Pastor T: I know you have this fear of sort of "pushing me over the edge" but you kept asking me if I was done last night. It sort of made me feel like you didn't want me there. I'll never tell you of course. Maybe I'm too much for you. Kit

T: today is the day we normally have session. This sucks so bad. I’m going to try journaling at our normal hour, to see if it helps at all. I don’t know. Skipping a week once in awhile is manageable, but EVERY week seems extremely daunting.

Dear T,

OK, you were definitely wiping away a few tears today. (And I'm pretty sure you realized I noticed, but I won't say anything.) It touched me. But maybe also scared me a little? Because of the connection, and you don't seem like a crier in general. But I think that's only happened when it's been something about D. It seems to be a soft spot for you. I have no idea if it's because your son is also on the spectrum and/or has other challenges or if maybe you just identify with me as a fellow parent struggling when their kid is sad or doesn't fit in. I suppose it doesn't really matter. But it means something to me. It makes it feel like you're relating to me not just as my T, but as a fellow parent. And I know you try to keep yourself out of it, but I think this is a place where letting some of yourself show--as a dad, not just as a T--can help me. Particularly because, as you said recently, I don't really seem to get that parent-to-parent empathy from my own parents...
Love you,
LT

Horrific evening. Thought of calling you. Didn’t. Will wait. I wonder what you would have said to me. You’re always so kind. I want your kindness. I want to feel safe. I need to leave. Will you help me?

so last week's session was pretty awful. seems to be our pattern, doesn't it. perhaps the first one of the year being SO great just set us up for disappointment. i really do want a better ratio this year, though. because the bad ones are a lot more difficult for me than they are for you. i guess it'll help if i speak up more in the moment - about how i'm feeling, what's coming up for me, what's being triggered - rather than trying to shift the focus onto you and all the ways you annoy me.

this is such hard work. even now, after all this time. i guess twenty years of abuse, no safe person and no safe place really did a number on me. at least i can call it abuse now - that's progress, right?!

see you tomorrow. i'll work on introspecting and talking; you work on trying not to annoy me too much

Sorry if that message I left you was kinda ******. I didn’t mean it if I came off that way. My doctors appointment just made me feel weird. Also sorry for going a long time without eating again and then just having Mountain Dew for dinner tonight.

Bet you don't even know anything is wrong.

5 years in private practice is long enough to learn how to use a calendar and take care of scheduling.

Hey really don't think you'll be there for me now.