Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Huge desire to call you but what do I say. What I want to say is I can't do this anymore. Yet once after saying that to T as I always had she told me I always said that and we both new I always could continue on. Now I just dont know what to say. Plus no matter what I say, what are you really going to say or be able to do to help me?

Dear ex-T,

I’m really struggling tonight. Tomorrow I see you for the final time. I’m going to tell you not to contact me ever again. You sent me a video tonight, why? How can you terminate me, tell me not to contact you but then you have sent me an email and a text in the space of 2 days? It’s cruel. From tomorrow I will be blocking you to make sure I don’t hear from you again. I’m seriously thinking about reporting you but I’m going to see what happens tomorrow first. If you start getting defensive or angry I’ll just walk straight out. I’m so anxious about tomorrow. I wish it was in the morning so I could get it out the way quickly.

Dear T,
Didn't notice any tears today, but your hands were sweaty when we shook hands, which I haven't noticed since our first few sessions. And you seemed to be a bit fidgety/anxious, like playing with your hair, near the last part of the session when we were having the more intense talk about D and how I am as her parent. But the main thing I want to say is thanks for what you said about how hard I'm working on my mental health. And about how we're doing everything (within reason) for D that we can, with me the main driver for that. And how D seems to be doing the best she can based on her abilities right now. That all helps more than you could possibly realize. So, thank you.
Love you,
LT

Dear T,

Here's the thing - I'm so afraid I might be becoming hypomanic, and I feel like you don't take my worries seriously. But if it happened once as a medication reaction, I feel like it could happen again.

I feel like you think I'm making a big deal over nothing. And maybe I am. But please understand that having had a mental health crisis is scary. It's so easy to think "what if I also have X condition?" or "what if I was misdiagnosed?" because that happens ALL the time.


I've been hyperanalyzing myself like crazy today. I feel like I have too much energy all of a sudden, and am motivated to do too many things, and felt a bit flirtatious today, towards both you and the furnace repair man (oops).

But on the other hand, maybe this is just the depression finally lifting after so long. And/or the fact that I actually have a deadline for some things.


Also, admit it... you liked me when I was hypomanic before, when I first started working with you. You found me amusing, and didn't really recognize it as lingering hypomania from the med reaction.


I feel kind of silly about that time now, but I think that you liked it. But if I'm becoming like that again... T, we really can't let me be like that again.

M.

Thank you!

I keep sorting out the fragments from last night.

I truly meant the thank you. Who else would understand?

Compliance is getting it. I’m going to hang out with her this week and we will talk about it.

Isn’t it some kind of wonderful craziness to actually “be” a part and them be heard and valued? I wish I could be that authentic with the flesh and bone people in my life. THAT would be another kind of wonderful craziness!!

She’s not as P. I. S. T. as she was. It feels good!

Wonderful crazy!!

See ya next week!

Trail/Compliance

No matter how hard I try, I just don’t trust you.

Floundering. Trying to turn that feeling into art, but can't get it the way I want it.

It's been a really long time since I've wished I could talk to you tomorrow...in an hour...right now.

Instead I am picturing your face. When I start thinking, "Maybe things have changed," your face is my Jiminy Cricket even though you mask it pretty well. I think I need to see the "that's not a great idea" face. And maybe I need to hear that it's normal and expected that sometimes despite everything I will miss the ex. (Oh, UGH. It makes me feel so @#$% stupid to even think that.)

Can we take things slower?

You're a safe person to love.

Unwanted.

Dear T,
Ugh, my car wouldn't start earlier tonight, and I'm not sure what the issue is. It led to a fight with H about how to handle things Monday if the car isn't resolved by then because of D being off and having P and me having you at a similar time. But he just seemed to be annoyed by my concern about it and trying not to have an effect on D from it (like if she knows I'm in the office but wouldn't be going to her session). And he just seemed to act like I was some sort of inconvenience if he had to drop her at his dad's after (as planned), then immediatley come and pick me up, even though I'd be literally 5 minutes from his dad's. And I was making suggestions of other ways to handle it, and he just seemed to dismiss or ridicule any suggestion. And I just feel s****y about things with H right now. And am feeling bad about myself, too. This is a normal thing that happens in people's lives every day, I should just be able to handle it...Wish I could talk to you right now...
Love,
LT

LT Im sorry H wasn't supportive about this. I'd be worried if I had a car and needed to be somewhere else the next day.

You are handling it the best way you can.

Thanks, Lemon. He did apologize later. AAA* is on the way to my house now. They'll test the battery and can replace it if it's that--if it isn't, guess I'll need to request a tow, and repair shops won't be open today.


*Not sure if they have that in UK--membership that provides roadside assistance for cars, including testing/replacing battery or towing (not to be confused with AA).

We do, but we would call the roadside assistance thing AA.

Yep we have that here. I don't have a car, but my dad is a member of the RAC which is cheaper for him!

Dear T,

I’m still not entirely over the idea that you were acting unprofessionally. But I do now think that you’ve had my best interests at heart all along.

That said, money is stressful for me now because of the amount of therapy that we did. I don’t know how to approach this with insurance and I know that you and pdoc will help some, but I ultimately have to be the one to deal with it all.

And you have no idea how triggering money is to me, because you grew up wealthy. I grew up fluctuating between middle class and only-just-getting-by. The “only-just-getting-by” times stay with you for life. You’ll never really understand that experience.

And now I’m going to bake brownies and put off dealing with this issue. Also I’m having a glass of wine even though it’s too early for that. Sorry. I said I would “try” to stay away from alcohol. I did try.

You know, you could probably use a drink yourself, on occasion. I would never actually say that to you, but I do think it. I think you would look good drinking Scotch.

Love,
Blueberry

The anger is hard to carry. I'm struggling with it.
And yet, you are not the cause of my anger.
I don't know how to get it out.

Why, when I'm already feeling terribly exposed, did I choose to open up even more in my email response to your check-in yesterday? You haven't responded to my response, even just to acknowledge you read it, and I'm feeling even more vulnerable now, if that's even possible. I hope what I shared was okay.

It sounds nuts but I'm anxious about your next break and you leaving over Easter.

I’m kind of nervous about seeing you tomorrow. But I guess just how nervous I’ll be will depend on how work goes before I come in. I think I’m kinda a mess right now.

@Lemoncake I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel better about the awkward sexual transference dreams I had a couple months ago. Ultimately we can’t control our dreams... sometimes can interpret and learn from them, other times need to just let them go.

In this case it sounds like you were positioning your T as a teacher or a parent figure, and have curiosity about him sexually just as any child sometimes has sexual curiosity about adults in their lives... which can feel awkward but is totally normal. I wouldn’t sweat it .

Since finding out my kiddo was attacked I can't help but wish I could talk to one of you. Let's see, one knew how I extremely anxious I have been since she went to school out of state. You helped calm me down on the days I have panicked. Now you are not here to help me process.

EMDR T you are here and will do you best but you don't know much about that history. I wish I felt comfortable just calling you

Thank you for posting.