Another outside contact

Richter now I am dealing with the nearing death of a family member where I am the sole decision maker. It is a very complex issue and because of covid I have to attend all thr meeting by myself. All the emotions are compounded by the fact that it is intertwined with much of my trauma.

So the last couple of weeks have been difficult and I feel like I am on this journey all alone even though my husband is supportive although he doesn't understand why it is so triggering for me.

Sessions with T have been very helpful in processing it all and helping me deal with the emotions. I have cried in the last 2 sessions more than I every have in therapy. T has always been okay with me texting between sessions and we have discussed it a few times to make sure we were on the same page about my expectations and what she is comfortable with. Last week at the end of the appointment she briefly mentioned me reaching out if I need to...I did not contact her even though I wanted to. Last night she was very specific about texting if I need anything and said a bit more. So here's the thing I use to reach out to long term T a lot even if it was just because I needed support. I have been so afraid of needing T too much and I only reach out when I am REALLY struggling. Right now I just need to feel that connection and maybe reassurance that I am making the right choices etc. Yet it doesn't feel like a good enough reason to text her. Do you use out if session contact in this manner?? Does your T encourage or discourage it?

I think you should go ahead and use it. This is an understandably horrible time for everyone and your T has made it clear that if you need extra support, she is there for you. I wouldn’t feel bad for reaching out to her. I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

I understand the logic behind waiting until you are “really struggling” but at the same time, I think it would be best not to let things build up. From what you have written, I think your T seems very encouraging. Have you thought about mentioning the reticence regarding reaching out to her? I’m only asking because when I said something similar about this to my T, it opened up some very reassuring discussions about feeling like I am being “too needy” etc.

I don’t text my T as he hasn’t given me his number, but I tend to email every few months or so when I need a bit of extra reassurance that he’s still there/ need to feel connected. When I told him that not replying makes me feel anxious, he started making more of an effort to acknowledge my emails with a few encouraging lines.

Since our rupture last year, I have daily contact with my T. I used to write to her in my journal, now I either have sessions or email her. I occasionally will email her more than once on a given day. Most days that I don't have session, it is just the once. There are even few times where I don't have anything to say and I don't see the point of emailing her. We do this exercise as way to build/rebuild a connection to her.

Some of the additional emails are simply a "touch poke" are you there because I am looking for that reassurance. Sometimes it is because I don't know what to do about something specific.

My T encourages it - I am free to email her as often and whenever I want. She will respond when she is able to. She will always respond (usually once for all the emails that have come in since she last checked. So it's not always a 1-1 response. She does not do therapy through email and her responses are pretty formulaic; they do tend to try to have a line or two that is more specific about what I wrote.

Thank you Merope.

We have discussed that I am afraid of being too needy or dependent. I also fear that I will contact her to often and it will become an issue for her. She reassures me that if were to start becoming an issue she will tell me and we will discuss it. She has never felt like I even come close to it being an issue. She has had clients in the past that she felt outside contact was being too much but they discussed it and worked out a plan that worked for both of then. She also reassures me that needing to contact her has nothing about being too needy. I know it has to do with things from my childhood.

We , also, discussed how she responds. She doesn't respond in a theraputic way to texts (she doesn't like email because of the risk of being hacked etc). If she can tell I need a theraputic response or if I ask outright, she will call me. If I dont ask and she doesn't think I am looking for a call, she will respond with a I got your text and a few words of encouragement.

I wrote the first women emails when my person was in the hospital the last time. It was more to write stuff out and send it away from me - I did not want any response. The only useful part of the therapist for me was that I did not have to be nice when she was annoying like I had to be with friends. Mostly I just told her not to respond as a response would not have been useful.

It really is okay to use a crutch.

You don't need to be dirt low before you reach out to her. I am sure you could feel more desperate than you feel now, but that doesn't mean that you can't contact her now. It sounds like you are blocking something - your needs, the connection with her, something like that. Contact her and let things emerge, even if that is some more reliance on her. You can work with that too.

I think this seems like a very appropriate time to reach out to her. In a similar circumstance, I'd definitely reach out to my T. Try to trust your T that she will tell you if it's too often, as mine has said similarly. I hope you feel able to reach out and that she can be helpful to you.

My T allows me to email as much as I want (he even specified want as opposed to need) BUT in my situation I need to understand he may or may not get a chance to read them that day or even before our next session. He does promise he will read all of them eventually and that if he has not read something I need him to read for session I can tell him which one and he will read it in the beginning of session.
Since the pandemic I have really only had H to talk to so poor T has gotten a lot of emails. I did clarify with him what my expectations are when I send him an email (I don’t care if he waits until session to read them, I don’t expect him to read them during his free time and I will specify if I would prefer a reply). He has had no problems with all my needyness.
Other T’s have made big promises and then gotten angry though so...

With long term T she did at one point bring up maybe cutting back a little but it didn't mean to stop. She was very gentle and reassuring. She insisted I was not too needy. I have talked to current T about feeling needy and it traces back to my abandonment issues.

I talked to T a few weeks about sometimes messaging her some thoughts that I need to get out. That unless I specified I needed a call or something she would replay that she recieved the message. I have always known that she will check her messages when she can and that on occasion she reads them and can't mmediately respond. Sometimes she forgets to go back and respond.

T and L have encouraged me to reach out before a crisis.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. She knows that you are in a crisis situation. I think you might want to ask her for a sooner appointment. If this isn't possible, I would just call her instead of texting her. I don't think texting during such a traumatic situation would be really helpful. I really think you should see her again or at least talk to her.

[QUOTE=Shotokan;6865960]I am so sorry for what you are going through. She knows that you are in a crisis situation. I think you might want to ask her for a sooner appointment. If this isn't possible, I would just call her instead of texting her. I don't think texting during such a traumatic situation would be really helpful. I really think you should see her again or at least talk to

Logically, I know you are right...Its the emotional part that is hard.

My therapist encourages it, though she cant always respond.
Let yourself reach out. It could be helpful and it sounds like you need it.

T doesn't do outside contact and gawd forbid I text with a need even though T knows when I am really struggling. But I am on my own.

IF your T encourages texting and/or has replied in the past, by all means text her.

It beats having to limp along on your own when help is available.

I ended up texting. Not really telling her anything was "wrong" but just seeking some connection. Even that I didnt relly spell out but she seemed to understand and sent me back a very sweet reassuring text. May need to text her again because really I need to talk to her.

Aw, good, I'm glad you were able to text and that she responded well. I'm sure it would be fine to text her again.