[puzzclar]

I'm glad I am meeting with my T on Saturday, but today I am way tempted to call him. I feel off, again. I'm mad at myself for taking a break from grad school. I'm frustrated that I can't do what I want for a job, that my body stops me at every turn. During undergrad I was going to go out for music, but my plans changed when I had surgery on my wrist. I thought I was going for accounting, but I'm glad that fizzled. Now I am trying to go for counseling and I get told to take a term off and get my life in order, and get healthy enough to continue.

Now I'm wondering will I ever do what I want or will my mind and body stop me?! I don't want to have a mental illness, I want recovery, but I feel so far from that.

Am I even going in the right direction? I feel so lost!! I don't have friends that I can see, even if the virus wasn't an issue. I live with my parents and I"m 32! IS there anything out there that I can do without my body getting in my way?


I keep running and I want to run again. I don't want to face this. I don't want to call. Yet I think I should. But will I???

[WastingAsparagus]

I can empathize -- my plans were almost completely derailed by COVID -- I'm 26 and live with my parents right now, and will depend on them for the foreseeable future until I graduate from my grad school program and get more work. I'd say if the grad program is really what you want to do, go for it. I know it's easier said than done. But think of the benefits of finishing the program you're in. I'm sure they'll be numerous if you do decide to finish it. That's the same thing I have to think right now for myself. I have been doubting graduate school a ton, and it has only made me less productive and more negative. I need to focus on the end goal.


So make your goal to get healthy enough to continue. I know that's also much easier said than done.

[puzzclar]

You're right! And I don't know where to focus on to get healthy. I'm scared it will take too long. No I'm terrified! I keep thinking of all the good that I could do. But without health, it's useless. And then I feel useless. I have a lot to offer the world, but the world keeps taking things away.

I'm so wishy-washy that it's unhealthy. I don't want to make the wrong choice, and then I make the wrong choice. I have been thinking of changing degrees to something more flexible, from mental health counseling to psychology. But that could add more time. I haven't looked into that change yet.

I need health, but I'm fearful of being imperfect. And that holds me back. I don't know how to get past this. And if I take care of me, I could lose my job.

Possible trigger:

Or if I don't take care of me, I could lose my life or be hurt in the process. I've been in a hard place all day. I need to do something physical even if it's raining. I need to leave the state, but that won't make my problems disappear.

I'm terrified of being alone. That's the time my strength weaknens. I hope I can make the best choice for me soon.