Update/most recent session

So, met with T Monday. He did not come right out and say he had read any of my emails but his behaviors made it very obvious that he had read them and he was trying to do better. We didn’t talk about any of the specifics of the previous session (and, in all fairness I had made all my complaints clear in the emails) but we did talk all the emotions from last week. I do think I figured out at least part of the issue with falling asleep and had to laugh but decided against saying anything. I’ve been making masks for a local group that gives them out to businesses and organizations that need them. Long story short I think T ended up with masks I made and the bag would have had my last name on a paper inside of it and he knew I was making masks. Anyway, the ones he is using, if mine, are quilting cotton and quilting flannel. So they are hot and a little hard to breathe through... added to a warm office I can see more yawns and nodding off. I can also see where, if he knows I made them, saying some of it was the masks would be an issue.
He was able to accommodate about half of the requests I made that I thought would help. One of the ones was to bring back the cards we used at the start of sessions. He now goes through them one at a time and I say yes or no rather than picking them up. As much as I HATED those D* cards that seems to be a big enough piece of what was missing that things went much, much better. He also told me the name of the cards so I can find my own if I want seeing as they help so much. Unfortunately they are out of print and hard to come by... so we will see what I can pull off.
He also set some boundaries which actually felt reassuring right now, talked to 8 and let her know they were OK and she is safe with him and told me why he had to be so very firm with me on some of the boundaries he has set.
Overall I think things went well, progress was made and I think we are back on track.

That sounds very positive Omers , growth comes from these kind of situations , especially if they're resolved in a more appropriate and responsible way than maybe we've experienced in the past.'Hugs.

Really pleased to read that things are better and you feel like you’re back on track. But it does concern me that he did not directly deal with any of the issues you raised directly; that would bother me whether he changed the way he acted or not. Surely as a responsible and ethical therapist he should explore these issues and own the fact that he messed up and make it explicitly clear to you that he realises how much he hurt you ? It’s great that he has taken on board what you emailed him but it just worries me that he hasn’t been able to fully admit to his mistakes.

I really feel for you. You are working so hard to move things back to where they were and I understand that because your recent experiences with him have been painful. It sounds like you are having to fill in a lot of gaps in the absence of his transparent discussion with you - you are imagining his reasons for falling asleep, creating his reasons for not addressing this directly, giving him a pass for not addressing the issues directly, and so on. I think that in that process of "filling in", there will be a lot of your transferential and projection material happening. It seems like such a wasted opportunity that you can't work through that with him because he is not brave enough to address the events.

I don't want to piss on your parade and I am pleased that you feel things are back on track. This kind of repair wouldn't cut it for me. In my therapy, I know that significant ruptures have only been able to be repaired by my therapist allowing her humility into the room and talking directly at the issue rather than dodging. It sounds like he is keen to assert his boundaries with you, I wonder how keen he is discuss and respect your boundaries - like him staying awake during sessions. This is a really hard place for you to be in.

I agree with the two comments above. He hasn't addressed the issues openly. I know when there have been ruptures with my therapist, once I'm willing to talk about it, he's addressed everything head on, apologizing and admitting he's done something he shouldn't when appropriate. Sometimes even when I'm not willing to talk about my end of it, he can tell something is amiss and address it anyway.

Also, what kind of boundaries is he all of a sudden firmly enforcing? He screwed up and now he has more boundaries? That feels punitive to me.

Absolutely. This seems like a master stroke in defensive responses to me. It's a pretty transparent attempt at therapeutic what-aboutism. "I fell asleep, but what about you?! You want all this stuff which I can't give so let's focus on how I can contain your demands".

Yes, I often give people the benefit of the doubt and this is, most likely, a very good missed opportunity. I can hear Pdoc in my head telling me “see, listen to them!” . In the past T has handled ruptures much better. He did admit to getting pulled into my fear with H and not being able to keep his professional distance. He is thankful that Pdoc is comfortable taking over the bulk of that issue.

The adjustment to teletherapy and then back to in person but with masks/socially distant really screwed up the process that had been working SO well for us. He (unconsciously) challenged me to work within the “new normal” he/CDC defined and I was asking to find our “new normal” together and find middle ground. He did admit that he just accepts discomfort and “good enough” especially when it comes to safety (COVID) where as I acknowledge the limits but find my own road. This seems to be an ongoing dance with us that is far more uncomfortable for him than it is for me. When his/CDC way didn’t work for me he gave up and was just supporting and not doing therapy (which he fully admitted) which made him uncomfortable. My last email before Monday’s session I stated very clearly that I had no intentions of wasting this session on support and gave a list of things to work on as well as compromises on things he stoped doing because of COVID that I need. He did find a way to bring back everything except sitting on the couch (that area of his office is much more compact so staying 6ft away would be tricky if not impossible). So I am hopeful that having this most recent session truly be therapy and not just support will get things back on track... I know, there is that pesky optimism again.

For the boundaries I had suggested that if he was worried about just being a support and not doing therapy then BE a support and DON’T do therapy... let me come down to the office and work on the gardening with you or other things where I can give back by helping and just be around a healthy person. He, rightfully, put a quick NO on that one and said he could not professionally see any way that would be OK even though he totally understands my point and my need (which he elaborated on enough to assure me that he did). We have talked in the past about running into eachother in public (which we have and are likely to again). And he clarified that we might have a brief conversation, especially in one setting, he would NOT stand there and be having a 10 minute conversation with me... it would be brief.

What I saw and felt in session was that since the start of the COVID crap we had started interacting more and more like friends than therapist/client. When I went off on him about the bad session it really brought a lot of that into the room. He has stepped up to be more professional again. Yes, at times it made him feel very cold to me. In the end I felt relief though.

I REALLY appreciate everyone’s feedback. I still think I am with the right T for me AND I know I can be too accommodating and willing to find reasons rather than get angry. Pdoc was glad I was as angry with him as I was but even she said she hoped I felt safe enough to get really pissed with him regardless of why or even if it didn’t have anything to do with him. She said it was even OK to get mad at him for not being what I need (where we were before COVID) she didn’t give a s* if it was because of COVID or not!

I am glad to hear that he was able to accommodate some of your requests. Thank you for the update.

I am glad you feel better. I can certainly understand how transitioning back to in person therapy could be challenging.