No body memories or triggers *Trigger Warning*

Please don't judge me. I've been this way since i was eight. ******Trigger Warning****

I was eight when I started having bad impulses towards kids and animals. I have never acted on them but they cause me anxiety. My therapist and I have explored what may have caused them but since we dont know we are focusing on how to deal with them. She keeps insisting there is a trigger or body memory that comes up prior to the impu I se. I keep telling her there isn't. Just the anxiety because there feels like a unknown force compelling me to act then the fear that I won't be able to stop myself from acting. If I was in a bubble I would be fine. The fear would be gone and the anxiety because I would have a barrier between me and whoever. She said she is going to send me an email with techniques to help but I'm not very patient. I'm not sure what I'm asking for help with and if this is the right forum. What do body memories feel like anyway? I'm so stressed.

Body memories can feel like anything...anxiety definitely counts! If I was you my therapist might ask me where I feel the anxiety. I usually feel it in my shoulders and neck, like a tightening burning pain. It can last for minutes or days. Emptiness is something I feel in my body a lot too. And pressure in different parts.

They are called body memories because our mind doesn't have control or knowledge of them and they are stored away separately in our bodies. but you can get to know your body. I found it most helpful to treat my body like a friend, ask it who it is and what it wants.

There is a book called The Body Keeps the Score which might be useful to you.

If there is a force compelling you to act, even if there were anything (barrier) to restrict it there is no guarantee it would stop the impulses forever. With time, these urges build up and can then subsequently leak or explode without conscious control.

So, basically, that barrier would not be enough without getting deep into the trenches and knowing the root cause (or trigger) of these uncontrollable urges/impulses.

Knowing the trigger will enable you to have some semblance of control. Anything else would be mere repression of urges. Not knowing the trigger for these impulses is 'dangerous' as you would have no control over these.

I have strong urges sometimes to hurt or distroy other things. My T has never called them body memories. He does ask me (with any strong feelings) to ask myself where are they coming from and what are they trying to tell me.
I have been a foster parent to children that have harmed other kids and/or pets. As a child I could be very dangerous at times but again my targets were not the same. If you are ever needing someone to talk/vent too you are welcome to PM me.

Yes, but I've examined any triggers prior to the urges and there aren't any. In a situation I may have the impulses and in the same situation I may not. There is no rhyme or reason to it. So what am I to do?