T randomly texts me

Hi everyone. So a few weeks back T started randomly texting me out of nowhere. Maybe one or two times a week. It's appropriate content like, "I'm thinking of you." But it is random because I didn't text her first. The only thing I have ever texted her about is scheduling. Not to tell her that I'm in crisis. Not to tell her that I'm sui. Nothing like that. Only scheduling. Oh and billing. Because she was sending the bills to the wrong part of my insurance. So today I had a text from last night that said "Thinking of you and sending happy thoughts"


There's nothing wrong with that statement. I'm just baffled. Why would she out of the blue start texting me? There's no way I'm going to bring it up to her. Because I'm not good at that sort of thing. I just worry about my T sometimes because every so often she can be a bit odd. She will forget things that I just told her in the same session for example. But not always. Just now and then. Or she will say something randomly that doesn't fit with our conversation. Again, not always, just once in a while. So I wonder if this texting thing which has come on suddenly and isn't intrusive is just a quirk that my T has picked up?

Not really sure if I should be worried or not. It just seems like a boundary crossing that is unnecessary. So when I got her text today that she sent last night, I texted her back and told her about my cat because I thought the text should be answered but I didn't want to say something like "Thinking of you too" because that is not the truth and it would be odd and overly familiar.


I don't know. Maybe it is nothing to worry about. Just why she started doing it out of nowhere is what gets me. If she had done it all along the whole time I had seen her I'd be like, oh that's just T. But because it suddenly started happening a couple of weeks ago, it just seems really odd to me. But I guess since I'm not going to do anything about it, I should shut up. Just wondered if anyone else had this experience or if I should be worried. Or if this is harmless.

Maybe she is just being nice. Mine does that. I accept it as just kindness.

It sounds like it's really bugging you, so you should probably talk to her about it. Just simply tell her that you noticed she's started texting you lately and you're curious about it. Maybe you want to ask her if you need to respond and what type of message is okay to bring up via text. Maybe you want her to stop and it would be a good time to practice setting and maintaining your boundaries. I don't think it has to be an uncomfortable conversation, but it's an important one to have.

I wouldn't be sure how to handle that either. I mean, Dr. T sent me an email after our session the other day with a link to a Zoom meeting on kids with autism regarding schooling in the fall in our state. He said it had come across a listserv he was on, and he'd meant to share it with me. It's not the same thing, but it was also unsolicited and outside of a session. It felt nice, but there was also an element of "What's this?" I'd mention it to your T, just see what she says.

That is odd. If my T started doing that I think I would text back "why" and want to tell her to get back into her box!

I think it's good to listen to your gut feelings about this. I totally understand that it would feel impossible to bring it up with T - I would struggle too. But your thoughts about boundaries and it being unnecessary are important and need to be paid attention to especially if the texts continue. It may be that something is going on in your T's personal life that is influencing how she's feeling and texting you is part of that.

My T texts me out of the blue on rare occasions and its really nice. But it's never an ongoing thing and she doesn't ask for a response, so its never a 'how are you' or anything like that. I think it's very tricky ground when a T ask things of a client as it can make it more about them than the client, however unconsciously.

Personally, I would love for T to reach out like this. For me, it shows care and that I matter. One issue I had with T is that despite knowing I was going through hell (and could have done with a teeny bit of support), T withheld. Which I interpret as not caring etc.

However, I see where you are coming from. It seems to come out of the blue plus, you highlight T's (at times) worrying quirkiness. So, yes, I can see how it would be... destabilising. I know you said you don't want to address it with her but it will be difficult to know what her intention is, unless you do. Maybe she loosened her boundaries so as to show caring and kindness, maybe she sees you are struggling and wants you to know you are not alone and there is someone on your side or yes, maybe it's a temporary... oddity.

As it seems to (understandably) worry you, I'd say check it out with her for piece of mind. You could always initiate with something innocent like how you appreciate her reaching out and that it is helpful etc. and see where the conversation goes (to check where she is coming from in texting you all of a sudden)

I wouldn’t want to be put in a position that required a response. If I reached out to her via text (which I don’t) I wouldn’t want her to feel obligated to respond.

I don't understand why you're ruling out asking her. That's really the only way you're going to know why she's doing it, otherwise you're just guessing.

I had to think on this one a bit. T has sent me an email once that he initiated. I had opted to skip session that week to spend the day with H seeing as it was our anniversary and my birthday. I told T a couple weeks in advance. Anyway... when I got home after a nice day with H I checked email and found one from T. He sent it about 15 min before my appointment time letting me know he was thinking of me, it was odd knowing he wouldn’t see me and he hoped I had a good day. I thought, given it was my birthday, it was very kind of him. It was a very hard decision to skip T that day... I would have preferred a longer session but... it was the right, adult thing to do... anyway, I thought it was kind and thoughtful. However, just out of the blue and more than one... I might find odd unless there was something that made him think of me. So, yeh, I think it would bug me and I know it would be upsetting to H if he found out. Once in a while for a specific reason... yeh... frequent random? Not so much.

I have been thinking about this one a bit as well. I can think of a few different possible things going on. What are you worried about with your T? What do you imagine might be happening or might happen because of her texting? How would it be if she stopped just as suddenly as she started without you discussing it?

That's a tough one. Maybe she's simply trying to reach out, and you're lucky that she cares. Or maybe she's drunk texting (okay, I'm joking with that one).


I totally understand your hesitation, because anything a T starts doing out of no where and without our prior consent can feel unsettling. When covid first started, my T sent some "how to cope" literature to me in the mail. In one way I appreciated it, in another it felt kind of strange to open my mailbox and there was a letter from my T. Then she sent another article or something a few days later and it felt...confusing. But in my case, she stopped. So it turned out fine.


If her texts continue you just have to bring it up, or it will appear in other ways. Such as, interfering with your therapy.

That's very true. I don't want to start having transference or something because of it. I don't want to depend on it because it is random. I'm not particularly struggling right now so it doesn't feel like there is extra need for concern or help from her. I think it has more to do with T than with me. I'm just not good at bringing stuff up that the T does that bothers me. But if I don't bring it up, it's likely to come out in other ways, probably with me being less than cooperative with her. She hasn't texted me any more this week so I guess I'll wait to see if more texts come before my next appointment. She's probably just trying to be nice, but I hope it is not that she is lonely or something and wants me to fill some social need for her because of COVID or something.

Right now we are going through I unprecedented times and I wonder if Tsare trying to navigate how to best handle it. I assume how to handle a pandemic is never discussed in any training. Many clients are really struggling and needing added support and connection with their T. So I wonder if possibly it is your Ts way of just saying hey I am here?

my experience: I would love to have a T reached out to me. Long term T did a couple of times once though it backfired. U was awaited some medical results and was totally distracted ting myself. She sent me a text asking U had heard anything as she was thinking about me. While it was very sweet it ruined the activity I was doing.

This is weird and a boundry crossing in my opinion. Texts like this might seem nice to some, but I think its kinda inappropriate for her to be texting you because texts like this sort of ask for an emotional response back- and you shouldnt have to worry about providing that for them.

Idk, just my opinion that it seems a little much

Thank you @Under*Over for your response. In my gut it feels like a boundary crossing. But, I don't know if it is a big deal or I'm just making it a big deal. She hasn't texted me since Monday I think. So hopefully these past couple of weeks have just been some momentary blip. I just want the situation to go away so I don't have to deal with it.

I wonder if maybe she was worried about you but didn't want to come right out and say it? I do feel like Covid is bringing out unusual behavior in T's (like mine self-disclosing more and his telling me today that we're in this together working on my drinking).

Yeah it's a total boundary crossing. Her doing this has put you in an uncomfortable situation -- That's not something a therapist should be doing to a client. Furthermore, if she's doing it because of 'covid times' or any other reason, she needs to ask you first if texting you would be ok. Even then, the text should not read
"I'm thinking of you."

Whenever my T has done or said something that upset me, and I have tried to just get over it, I have found that it becomes a big barrier to my talking freely about anything else. I really think it's important to talk about it when a T confuses or upsets you somehow. Very useful skill in other relationships, too.