[*Beth*]

My therapist has severe asthma and has been out sick because of it. She was away all of July. We have 2 sessions per week. So I've missed eight sessions. Every 3 days her receptionist calls me and says she's pretty sure M. will be back in "a few days." All month it's been "in a few days." The roller coaster ride stress for me is monumental.

This week I accepted that she'd be out for the rest of July, but that surely she'd return in August. Not to be; I got a message this afternoon that M. will be out all next week.

So if she returns for the second week of August, great - except that she's supposed to be on vacation the third week of August. With covid and all the time she's been out I don't know if her vacation is still happening.

The clinic has offered to let me see another T if I need some extra support while M. is gone. But, none of the T's there seem like people I'd want to do therapy with, even short-term. And, I resent being dumped off on another T as if just anyone can take the place of M. in my life. Plus, I have my pdoc to talk to a little bit.

I have all of my appointments scheduled for August, but I'm so stressed over the constant emotional expectation that M. will be in her office but then, isn't. Rinse, repeat. She's an idealistic person and I'm sure she tells herself that she'll be back in a few days. Setting a specific date, say September 1st, seems more realistic and professional to me. Then if she happens to return sooner, all the better. But that's not how she works.

When I found out today that she won't be back again next week I felt the old, familiar sense of not being able to trust or rely on anyone. The feeling was so consuming that I had an urge to harm myself.

At this time I'm considering canceling all of the appointments I have scheduled for August and setting my next appointments for September. Just accept that august is off. And a part of me just wants to quit therapy altogether. Cut my losses and walk.

Any ideas?

[Lostislost]

Hi Bethrags, sorry to hear about your T being off sick so much, that would trigger so many bad feelings for me too.

I noticed you already know your pattern of not being able to trust or rely on people. These usually come from when we were small and had no choice in what was happening to us? This is true for me also.

But now you do have a choice with what happens to you, you can change things and set your boundaries and find someone who can help you. I like your plan of cancelling sessions until September. Maybe this would give you some breathing space to not feel let down all month? Maybe it will become clearer what the next step is, if it's time to look for someone that can really be there for you. Some good ideas come when you make the space for yourself.

[Victoria'smom]

I would try someone else out.

[MoxieDoxie]

She is not set up for Teletherapy? She could do it from her home office. Not sure I understand the situation.

[LonesomeTonight]

I would try one of the other T's in the clinic while she's out. I found seeing a "backup T" to be helpful while my T was out. Even if it wasn't someone I could have seen working with long-term, it helped to have someone to talk to and also to get a different perspective. What is it about them that makes you feel you couldn't work with them, even in the short-term?

[Lonelyinmyheart]

This is such a hard situation and I'm sorry you're going through It.

How do you feel you're coping generally with your life at the moment? Could that be a deciding factor whether you see another T in the meantime or wait it out? If you feel you're managing ok maybe see how you go with your pdoc's support as that could give you some insight into how you might cope long term when your T retires.

If you're not coping that well, maybe the offer to see another T at the clinic might be good to accept for now. You might take to the new T better than you think and s/he could be a valuable source of support while your T is off and perhaps longer term.

Whatever you decide, it does seem that unfortunately your T's health is very unstable at the moment and you may need to make a decision based on not knowing how long term the work with her will be. Or at least that would be my concern in your situation.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

Hi Bethrags, sorry to hear about your T being off sick so much, that would trigger so many bad feelings for me too.

I noticed you already know your pattern of not being able to trust or rely on people. These usually come from when we were small and had no choice in what was happening to us? This is true for me also.

Yes, and that's one of the main reasons I'm in therapy. This feels like a crazy irony.

I feel like my therapist is not, overall, organized or always reliable. I do trust her as far as knowing that she cares, etc., which is great. It's just that she cancels about 1 out of 6 sessions - and this is the second time in 2 years in which she was out for a month or more (last time was 3 months). She has health problems, it's very unfortunate, but her health issues seriously disrupt my therapy.

But now you do have a choice with what happens to you, you can change things and set your boundaries and find someone who can help you.

I love that you pointed that out! Thank you! I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're correct...now I do have a choice. Wow. That's so important.

Originally Posted by Lostislost

I like your plan of cancelling sessions until September. Maybe this would give you some breathing space to not feel let down all month? Maybe it will become clearer what the next step is, if it's time to look for someone that can really be there for you. Some good ideas come when you make the space for yourself.

At this time I feel like the wisest option is to accept that therapy will pick up in September and stop feeling anxious and a stressed out wreck about her returning. If I don't receive any quality communication from her in August, it will further my feeling and belief that therapy with her might have reached a breaking point.

Thank you for your suggestions, Lostislost. I am grateful for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I would try someone else out.

Thanks for your feedback, Mm. If I do try someone else, at least it would give me a space to vent about my frustration with current T

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

She is not set up for Teletherapy? She could do it from her home office. Not sure I understand the situation.

She's not in private practice, she works at a clinic. So we've been doing teletherapy, but through the clinic. Also, I don't doubt that she is truly sick. But it does seem she could send me a simple email to let me know that she's thinking of me and will see me soon or whatever.

As it is, she gives messages to her receptionist to relay to me. I appreciate that and the receptionist is really kind-hearted. It's just that she doesn't always get every detail straight...and it's not the same as direct communication from M.

Although my transference with her is not nearly as strong as it was with my former T, I do have a transference with her, for sure. So once again I feel like my transference stuff is not being dealt with, just as it hasn't been in the past.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I would try one of the other T's in the clinic while she's out. I found seeing a "backup T" to be helpful while my T was out. Even if it wasn't someone I could have seen working with long-term, it helped to have someone to talk to and also to get a different perspective. What is it about them that makes you feel you couldn't work with them, even in the short-term?

There are a few reasons that make me hesitant to see one of the other therapists in the clinic. 1 is that they are really young. It's hard for me to feel comfortable opening up to someone who is in her 20's.

The 2nd reason is that they are all inexperienced...another reason why it's hard for me to feel comfortable about seeing one of them. The only other older and experienced T there is a man who is the substance abuse therapist, so that doesn't fit my needs.

The remaining reason is teletherapy. If I could see someone in person (even wearing a mask) I would feel a lot better about the whole thing. But meeting a new therapist online just doesn't feel good to me.

That said, it is an option if I need it. And there is my pdoc, with whom I have an excellent relationship. She does do "therapy light." Goes over issues that are not super deep.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

This is such a hard situation and I'm sorry you're going through It.

Thank you again for your immense support

How do you feel you're coping generally with your life at the moment? Could that be a deciding factor whether you see another T in the meantime or wait it out? If you feel you're managing ok maybe see how you go with your pdoc's support as that could give you some insight into how you might cope long term when your T retires.

Actually, the only part of my life that I'm super stressed over right now is M. being away, and the insecurity I feel about her absence and her lack of reality acceptance. By that, I mean that she doesn't accept that she will be out for a certain amount time and stick with that, rather than the "I'll be back in a few days" repeatedly.

There are definitely deeper issues I want to work on, but everything is on hold.

If you're not coping that well, maybe the offer to see another T at the clinic might be good to accept for now. You might take to the new T better than you think and s/he could be a valuable source of support while your T is off and perhaps longer term.

At least I know the option is available.

Whatever you decide, it does seem that unfortunately your T's health is very unstable at the moment and you may need to make a decision based on not knowing how long term the work with her will be. Or at least that would be my concern in your situation.

Exactly. That's my concern, too. Very much so. I can't relax, knowing that at any moment she'll be gone for weeks - or months.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[stopdog]

I always found those people to be interchangeable.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I always found those people to be interchangeable.

Interesting. That makes me curious to talk to one of the others, just to see how I respond. Although I will say that I tried out 2 other therapists before my current one and didn't click with them, at all.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I always found those people to be interchangeable.

I agree with this. There are other therapists out there. Life is too short to stay with a therapist that isn't working for you. It isn't an insult or betrayal to look for someone that works better for you; that's just self care.

I've have multiple really great therapists over the years simply because I moved or they moved or whatever. What that helped me realize is there is more than one therapist out there who I can work with and benefit from. In fact, I personally found each was different enough that their unique perspective and approach helped me see things differently, work through different issues, etc.

You don't have to stay in the same clinic unless you just plan on using someone else temporarily. I did that a couple of times but honestly it wasn't really therapy - just a spot to check in with someone. When you are still considering another therapist as "your" therapist, you tend to not completely utilize a substitute, but it can help to just have someone to touch base with. It took restarting with someone completely to really do the work again.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I agree with this. There are other therapists out there. Life is too short to stay with a therapist that isn't working for you. It isn't an insult or betrayal to look for someone that works better for you; that's just self care.

I've have multiple really great therapists over the years simply because I moved or they moved or whatever. What that helped me realize is there is more than one therapist out there who I can work with and benefit from. In fact, I personally found each was different enough that their unique perspective and approach helped me see things differently, work through different issues, etc.

You don't have to stay in the same clinic unless you just plan on using someone else temporarily. I did that a couple of times but honestly it wasn't really therapy - just a spot to check in with someone. When you are still considering another therapist as "your" therapist, you tend to not completely utilize a substitute, but it can help to just have someone to touch base with. It took restarting with someone completely to really do the work again.

Thank you, ArtleyWilkins. I would be much more inclined to try out such a plan if we were not stuck with teletherapy.


That, and doing the whole therapy thing with another one seems exhausting. A different face, another voice, more thoughts. I'm considering that no therapy at all, at least for the time being, is better than even more therapy.

[Omers]

Sadly, as much as I adore my current T I would find a new T. When ever current T was able to do sessions again I would do a closure session or two with him. I couldn’t handle the frequent, unpredictable absences.
Sorry... this totally sucks!

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Thank you, ArtleyWilkins. I would be much more inclined to try out such a plan if we were not stuck with teletherapy.


That, and doing the whole therapy thing with another one seems exhausting. A different face, another voice, more thoughts. I'm considering that no therapy at all, at least for the time being, is better than even more therapy.

I completely understand that. Teletherapy would not have worked for me. I suspect I would have just opted out of therapy and we would have occasionally spoken by phone as needed through the duration until we could meet again. Trying to find a therapist under these circumstances seems pretty impossible. I don't know how I could figure out a rapport with a therapist via teletherapy.

Hope it all gets worked out.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Omers

Sadly, as much as I adore my current T I would find a new T. When ever current T was able to do sessions again I would do a closure session or two with him. I couldn’t handle the frequent, unpredictable absences.
Sorry... this totally sucks!

Thank you for your feedback, Omers. Yes, it really does suck

[Rive.]

Wow, that sucks. It makes perfect sense why you would feel you can't trust anyone and/or that they always let you down.

I would keep my appointments with her in August. Hey, you never know..

But in the meantime, I would still try some of the other Ts. This way you won't be completely alone. If they are crap (substitute Ts) you can dump them but if they can, even if only in a minor way help, I'd say that's worth a try. What do you think?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Wow, that sucks. It makes perfect sense why you would feel you can't trust anyone and/or that they always let you down.

I would keep my appointments with her in August. Hey, you never know..

But in the meantime, I would still try some of the other Ts. This way you won't be completely alone. If they are crap (substitute Ts) you can dump them but if they can, even if only in a minor way help, I'd say that's worth a try. What do you think?

Thank you, Rive.

I guess something that factors in is that I have nothing to talk to another therapist about except how upset I feel about M.'s continuing absence. In part, I feel that if I talk with another T it would be specifically to spite M. To let her know that she's disposable, that I really don't need her.

If I keep my August appointments I'll be doing the same thing I did in July, which is calling or being called every 3rd or 4th day with the "is she coming back yet" topic. Yes - whoops! No...maybe...could be!...ummm, not this week...

It's causing me so much stress that I'm dreaming about the uncertainty, it actually causes me to wake up because I'm anxious in my sleep.

I'm sorry; I don't mean to discount your advice. I appreciate all of the feedback I've received on this thread. I'm just thinking that the road of least stress is to cancel August, set up for September, and leave August for seeing my pdoc only. My pdoc is also a therapist, so although my time with her is fairly short, I will receive support and suggestions from her.

[here today]

Originally Posted by BethRags

. . .Actually, the only part of my life that I'm super stressed over right now is M. being away, and the insecurity I feel about her absence and her lack of reality acceptance. By that, I mean that she doesn't accept that she will be out for a certain amount time and stick with that, rather than the "I'll be back in a few days" repeatedly. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Originally Posted by BethRags

. . .
I guess something that factors in is that I have nothing to talk to another therapist about except how upset I feel about M.'s continuing absence. In part, I feel that if I talk with another T it would be specifically to spite M. To let her know that she's disposable, that I really don't need her.

If I keep my August appointments I'll be doing the same thing I did in July, which is calling or being called every 3rd or 4th day with the "is she coming back yet" topic. Yes - whoops! No...maybe...could be!...ummm, not this week...

It's causing me so much stress that I'm dreaming about the uncertainty, it actually causes me to wake up because I'm anxious in my sleep.

. . .

Hi Beth,

As you may remember, I had, and still have, a horrible negative transference to my last T, and eventually I connected it up to feelings that had been numbed out probably since childhood. Feeling that didn't change the transference a lot. I am now just somewhat more aware of how I have/had similar feelings about my life in the family when I was a child.

So, given what you have said about your transferences, I wondered if you have thought about, or have any feelings about, how much some of your distress about M might be transferential, too? Reaction to abandonment stuff like I had? Could there be anything like that in your background? Not that that helps much with how to cope with this situation currently, but maybe there's some information there that is or has been hard to know. It may be my projection, and is certainly none of my business, but there is something about the 2 comments I quoted above that strike me that way.

Please let me know if you feel I'm horning in here where it's not wanted and I apologize if that's the case.

All the talk about transference here in this forum right now -- I think we're touching on some very important stuff. I appreciate what you've been posting about.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by here today

Hi Beth,

As you may remember, I had, and still have, a horrible negative transference to my last T, and eventually I connected it up to feelings that had been numbed out probably since childhood. Feeling that didn't change the transference a lot. I am now just somewhat more aware of how I have/had similar feelings about my life in the family when I was a child.

Yes, I do remember. I can't recall, though, if you talked with your therapist about your negative transference. If you don't mind sharing, would you fill me in about that?

So, given what you have said about your transferences, I wondered if you have thought about, or have any feelings about, how much some of your distress about M might be transferential, too? Reaction to abandonment stuff like I had? Could there be anything like that in your background? Not that that helps much with how to cope with this situation currently, but maybe there's some information there that is or has been hard to know. It may be my projection, and is certainly none of my business, but there is something about the 2 comments I quoted above that strike me that way.

Please let me know if you feel I'm horning in here where it's not wanted and I apologize if that's the case.

Thank you for caring enough to suggest - I'm grateful!

Yes, I have a very strong transference with M. Since yesterday evening, when I heard the message from her receptionist that M. won't be in again this coming week I've been twisting up. By tonight, I'm obsessing over M. I'm not sure where she ends and I begin.

I've just spent the past 2 hours trying to read a novel while fighting the transference feelings I have for my therapist. Trying so hard to fight them away, intellectualize them away. And the more I'm fighting, the worse it's getting. I actually thought about calling her on her private cell number (which I found online months ago). I'm not going to do that, but for an insane minute I considered it.

Possible trigger:

My childhood was full of inconsistency, abandonment, and abuse (physical, sexual, emotional).

My mom was severely mentally ill. Although she was occasionally hospitalized, the treatments back then (60's - '70's) were not great. She never stuck with any therapy or medication. She could be so sensitive and loving, but when she went off she did such things as set fires in the house, cover all the windows with black tarp because she believed there was poison coming into the house, etc. I wasn't allowed to open the windows and it was awful in there, living with the black tarp for weeks at a time.

When she was having an episode she would tell me she'd never wanted me and that while I was sleeping she would kill me. She knew my step-father was molesting me, but wouldn't do anything about it.

My step-father, a man who had been horribly treated as a child, was an alcoholic and a collector of child porn. He was a "hands-on" perpetrator, but he was also an exhibitionist. i.e., he exposed himself at any given time to me and masturbated (my mom was present during those times, she'd chide him and kind of shake her head. I guess I just numbed out).

In short, my mom could be loving in a certain way, but she was just...really unwell and uncontrollable.

My own father, who I had loved very much, suddenly remarried when I was 6. I rarely saw him after that; he died when I was 25.

In a nutshell, that gives you the general climate of my growing up years. Needless to say, I was an extremely anxious and seriously depressed child, then when I was a teen I developed bipolar disorder.

All the talk about transference here in this forum right now -- I think we're touching on some very important stuff. I appreciate what you've been posting about.

I entirely agree. I wish some of our therapists could read this board right now!

At this time I'm considering that M. has no idea of the power of my transference with her. Although it's miserable and embarrassing, I'm planning to compose an email to her this week-end and tell her exactly what's going on with me. She won't see the email until she returns to work, but...whatever. At least she will see it.

Thank you, here today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[divine1966]

I am sorry for the ordeal. Personally I find it curious that you don’t correspond to her directly via cell and she never texted you, I assumed it’s a norm. Clearly I am wrong. I am not saying having a chit chat but simple text? Does she want these strict boundaries or you? And why would she not check emails until she gets to work? Is she ancient? But still everybody checks emails. My dad is 83 and he checks emails daily.

I understand being hesitant about seeing a different t but if this person is so sick she must be off work for two months, how useful is she as a therapist? It might be better than none but at this time it’s like having no t.

Since you have good relationship with your pdoc, could he refer you to a good t they might know? Not saying yours is no good but she is never there and you have to go through this stress of not knowing! Plus she doesn’t inform you directly which is frustrating.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry for the ordeal. Personally I find it curious that you don’t correspond to her directly via cell and she never texted you, I assumed it’s a norm. Clearly I am wrong. I am not saying having a chit chat but simple text? Does she want these strict boundaries or you? And why would she not check emails until she gets to work? Is she ancient? But still everybody checks emails. My dad is 83 and he checks emails daily.

I understand being hesitant about seeing a different t but if this person is so sick she must be off work for two months, how useful is she as a therapist? It might be better than none but at this time it’s like having no t.

Since you have good relationship with your pdoc, could he refer you to a good t they might know? Not saying yours is no good but she is never there and you have to go through this stress of not knowing! Plus she doesn’t inform you directly which is frustrating.

If she works at a clinic, maybe there are rules about directly contacting clients? Like she might not be allowed to email with a client. In terms of checking her email, maybe for security reasons, she can only read her work email at the office? Just a thought. I know some T's in private practice, too, that don't allow emails or texts.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

If she works at a clinic, maybe there are rules about directly contacting clients? Like she might not be allowed to email with a client. In terms of checking her email, maybe for security reasons, she can only read her work email at the office? Just a thought. I know some T's in private practice, too, that don't allow emails or texts.

I don’t have answers to your questions.