Couch 218: Northern Minnesota 2050

Chihiro - i would only think that that shows their lack of insight to their own issues, ya know? Some real projection going on.

Hugs, Chihiro.

Hugs also Lost, QM and anyone else who needs/wants...

Still can't log onto work stuff. IT guy this morning was useless when I finally got through. Supposedly a 2nd level tech is going to call me today. In the meantime I emailed my boss and I'm using PTO for the rest of the day because I don't want to have to go in to the office. Hope they call me soon and we can get it working today, I would have to go to the office tomorrow if not last I heard even though i'm high risk for stupid covid.

Yesterday in session, P said that when the school thing became reality for him, he immediately thought of me and knew that his decision would devastate me. My response was "you're correct... and you did it anyway". He said if he didn't do it he would start to resent me. This whole thing is so painful and surreal. I've been dissociating a lot.

I'm surprised and dismayed that P actually said that to you, NP.
It strikes me as unprofessional...to actually admit that to a client.

Must be something about that initial...

I agree--it seems like something he shouldn't have shared, particularly the part about how he'd resent you if he didn't do it. How is that supposed to make you feel?


Might not just be that initial--Dr. T has a different one and has shared some thoughts about my effect on him that I feel would have been best left unshared (though, hm, his initial does rhyme with "P"...).

You know, I don't know how it makes me feel. He was being honest about it and I appreciate honesty. He's not feeling resentful now, so it's just a hypothetical resentment. But at the same time, the stuff he's been sharing with me lately about our relationship and how he feels about it and how it's impacted and changed him, yet he chose to do something that he knew would devastate me. It's like I'm just a client on one hand, but a really meaningful client. I'm finding it hard to work all this out.

I honestly do not think he should be sharing all his emotional stuff with you. It feels like you are being made the therapist. Or that he’s telling you all this stuff to assuage his guilt.

I’d tell him to STFU next time, because he’s creating a dangerous dynamic for you.

Maybe it makes me stupid, but I want to hear it.

It doesn't make you stupid. Of course you want to know that you matter to him and that he's concerned about you and your reaction to his leaving. It seems you weren't sure how to take some of it though, so maybe he's overdoing it a bit.

I would want to hear it too.

Today T and I were talking about how last week he was so irritated with me and directive about J. He said, "I'm sorry if I was hard on you. I did it because I was scared." He said he was scared that I was completely losing my ability to think/feel and that nothing would stop it other than breaking up with J.

I just don't get him.

Also he tried to get me to structure my time this week but like ffs I have no energy and we're in the middle of a pandemic. If I have energy I can go on walks. If there's not a pandemic I can go to the movies. But everything is broken and terrible so I can do nothing. At least he didn't try to insist.

I do have to do a 7-hr interview tomorrow via zoom for a fellowship. I hope I can rally bc right now I am very obviously extremely depressed.

Wow, I wouldn't know how to react to that either, Chihiro, your T's statement about "completely losing my ability to think/feel and that nothing would stop it other than breaking up with J." It sounds rather extreme. And...either paternal or jealous (of you relying on/connecting with a male other than him), or maybe both? Maybe I'm wrong on that, but I just get that vibe.


And yeah, the pandemic messes up so many options that we'd normally have for coping/occupying ourselves.... A 7-hour interview sounds miserable--is there some reason all these things are marathons--the 10-hour exam, a 7-hour interview? Is it supposed to be a test of your stamina? I hope it goes well.

Thanks, LT. I think he's mostly protective of me. He says as much sometimes.

I think the marathon-ness of it all is just part of the deal in medicine--they condition us to get used to being treated like utter crap. (We get extra points if we brag about and/or secretly take pride in it.)

Damn career selects for masochists. And narcissists, but that's a different story.

I am in such a weird headspace. I can't pay attention to anything for longer than like fifteen minutes so I keep switching between different movies and TV shows and audiobooks and reddit and imgur and Facebook.


I am less mad at my T--he was trying real hard to be understanding today. I keep thinking about my parents and my BFF.

But weirdly that means that there is no solution so I sort of feel worse?

I don't want to talk to my friends or my family or spend time with anyone. I can barely stand being in the same apt as my roommate. The only thing I even remotely feel like doing, weirdly, is talking with my T, but I can't do that unless it's an emergency and when we do talk outside of session I try to keep it to a minimum because I know I'm interrupting his life.

I'm supposed to go camping this weekend with my friend but she's one of the stupid asswipe doctors who was bashing people with PDs (and also she's been in love with one of our co-workers for at least two years and still hasn't told him so and won't STFU about it and it drives me bonkers).

Just... eff all the things.

I didn’t say or imply you were stupid, just that this long tour through his emotions feels exploitative (of you) and could well end up making the actual departure worse for you. You guys should be working on you, not him.

I think I get what he’s trying to do for you, but he’s both the source of pain and trying to heal that pain (as the devastation exchange shows). That generally doesn’t work very well.

I didn't think you were calling me stupid. I guess I'm feeling stupid because I'm having such a hard time with this and I want him to tell me all the nice things.

We had a session today and talked about it. I even let him read what I wrote on here. He knows where my hurt is coming from and acknowledges it.

Just logged off from tonight's class meeting, I'm really enjoying this one so far. More people are actually talking now, since she mentioned that points would be involved for participation when only like 3 of us were routinely talking. I really enjoyed the discussion posts tonight in particular, I wish we had time to respond to more than a couple. We're required to respond to one, I usually try to hit 2, just because I enjoy it so much, but she opens the discussions midway through each meeting and closes them at the end of each class so I can't do more.

The stigma is so strong which is literally the only reason my therapist never made my PD dx official.

I try to tell people that folks with PDs tend to have experienced complex developmental trauma.

Zoom fellowship interview today. Woke up at 5:30 and walked to Starbucks for exercise and caffeine. Rearranged my room so that I can do the interview with my desk in front of me and a Credibility Bookshelf in the background.

Hope I don’t blow it. I might anyway.

You won't blow it, Chihiro. You've worked really, really hard for this.
You deserve the opportunity, and you will give it your all.

Good luck—but don’t you already have a psychoanalysis fellowship? That should take the pressure off.

Also wishing you luck, Chihiro!

The psychoanalytic fellowship is 2020-2021; this is for 2021-2022.

It never ends!

Oh wow, you're already interviewing for what would happen a year from now? Ugh...