[josieaj]

Started therapy yesterday. It was definitely a huge leap for me.. I've scoffed at therapy all my life, convinced that I didn't need it-and moreso that it couldn't help. Well, needless to say, I've changed my mind.. Life just got to be too much to bear by myself. And Borderlines really need therapy in addition to medication to truly start recovering and living.

I think it went ok. I like my therapist.. she's not overbearing, and she doesn't make me feel lost. I hate talking about myself, and I never know what to say, but she probes just enough to get me to come out. And I had a couple revelations on my own.. well, not entirely on my own, she was coaxing it out of me.. but it felt like I could make sense of everything.

She says she's really good at DBT, which she says works with BPD individuals. I like her well enough. And she's pretty easy to talk to. I decided that the therapy room was one place (the ONLY place) I was going to be completely honest. No lies. No secrets. I have issues with lying.. serious issues with it. So I've decided that she gets the truth, and maybe it'll make my life easier.

I felt good for a little while after our session, and I meet her again next week.

Unfortunately, when the end of the day came around, I got to feeling really bad. I had an episode which lasted a number of hours.. I was crying, crying, crying. I was convinced my world was bleak and there was nothing to live for. I never contemplated suicide. I am 'passively suicidal.' I live with it--I want to die, but would never do anything to facilitate it. (Though I drive like a maniac, smoke, drink, etc.. risk taking is commonplace).

I felt like I needed to see her again, to talk some more, get more of it out, keep going. It lasted until I got on the phone with some people and they helped me calm down.. I eventually fell asleep.

Nothing is really better this morning.. I just went to work.. my life is still as meaningless as I felt it was, and I am still as worthless and guilty and as much of a failure as I was.. I just got my butt out of bed and went to work.. gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm not sure if the therapy helped at all.. I've been walking the edge of mental breakdown all week.. I just don't need one everytime I see my T.

I'm not sure if anyone knows what it feels like. I called a couple friends and some family last night, and all I got was the standard answer, "I wish I know how you felt." or "I don't understand where you are or how you feel."

That's a lonely feeling. And makes me even more depressed.

Oh well. New day.

[Perna]

I'm glad you got up and went to work, etc. even feeling so crummy and hopeless. That's one of the best things in the world I learned in therapy to help myself; feelings keep changing, like weather. You feel hopeless now but in a bit that feeling will change and something will come along and you'll be engaged again.

I'm glad your first session went well and you like your therapist and have decided to be honest and up front with her too.