[Mountaindewed]

Does she or he ever like make rude jokes or come across as being kind of mean? Mine does sometimes. Often it’s when she’s not feeling good. Last week I mentioned going for a covid test and then awhile later into the session she said “maybe I should go for a covid test.” And I said “you think you have covid?” And she said “no, sorry it was a bad joke.” Another time she had to apologize because she thought something she said sounded mean even though I didn’t take it that way.

Is your therapist ever mean? Do you ever say anything? I just ignore mine unless she’s being real obvious. And even then I just say something like “you seem distracted is something wrong?” Instead of asking why she’s being an asshole to me.

[Lostislost]

I feel like it's a test when they are mean, to see how we react. Although the meanest thing he ever did he claims not to have realised it was breaking my heart, even though it was glaringly obvious to me.
I don't know what it all means.

[Polibeth]

My therapist is never mean. I'm not sure how I would react if she ever was.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Does she or he ever like make rude jokes or come across as being kind of mean? Mine does sometimes. Often it’s when she’s not feeling good. Last week I mentioned going for a covid test and then awhile later into the session she said “maybe I should go for a covid test.” And I said “you think you have covid?” And she said “no, sorry it was a bad joke.” Another time she had to apologize because she thought something she said sounded mean even though I didn’t take it that way.

Is your therapist ever mean? Do you ever say anything? I just ignore mine unless she’s being real obvious. And even then I just say something like “you seem distracted is something wrong?” Instead of asking why she’s being an asshole to me.

I had a few mean therapist myself. I finally left.

[nottrustin]

Never. I dont know what I would do if she was.

[stopdog]

Yes - the woman I hired mocked me and humiliated me. She was horrible.

[CharlieStarDust]

On a couple of occasions - usually end of year she gets wonky. It’s almost like she’s checked out and has little to no patience. I’ve called her out on it. She never remembers but always asks for details and will usually apologize - if warranted. Normally, she’s great; I adore her. But she’s never crossed lines or been terrible.

[MobiusPsyche]

Mine has never been mean to me, ever. The worst she has been is distracted and that only one or two times in the years I've seen her.

[velcro003]

No, she is unfailingly kind and compassionate towards me.

[RoxanneToto]

I’ve had some insist I know “something”, I.e. the first one, when I was very young (old enough to say what was going on but too young to understand how other people thought!) insisted I knew why my brother bullied me. Like, no, I have no idea. She was really aggressive about it and I found it scary! I only remember seeing her once.
Last one I saw seemed adamant I knew why I disliked my ex, while I honestly couldn’t come up with anything. Fair enough, I do know why now, but I was still in a bit of a fog then and it was only 18 months after I’d split up with him.

[elisewin]

No never and I don't think a therapist is in a right profession if he needs to be mean intentionally to his clients! Of course there can be misunderstandings and disagreements, but just being mean and/or insulting is just wrong.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Never in a million years.

[Omers]

Mine would never do it intentionally. He did call me a “sharp edge” once when referring to how mouthy I can be especially when I was younger. I was super hurt by it and still get upset over it on occasion. It wasn’t intended to be mean but it felt like name calling and it hurt coming from him.

[Rive.]

I wouldn't call what she did as being mean. More like a joke in poor taste.

I had a T who was mean. I left.

[SorryShaped]

He is, when he's reminding me of where I've been in life and what I need to address to get better. I wouldn't change it

[InPain04]

Only once, at our first appointment, when she thought I was more depressed than I was letting on. She made it known she would not hesitate to have me hospitalized if the need be; I love her for this and understand where her anger/concern came from. I look forward to our appointments every week. She is an amazing, caring person who is helping me a lot.

I also don't think her comment sounds like a mean thing for her to say, or at least I wouldn't have heard it as such.

It depends how we are defining "mean". My therapist is not deliberately unkind in a calculated way. However, she definitely has an unpleasant side to her nature and she has allows this into the room on occasion. She has raised her voice, sworn, told me that she finds it difficult to work with me, etc. This happens when she instinctively moves to care about herself and moves away from caring about me. She owns it and mostly apologises for it. It is hurtful and confusing for me.

Whilst this aspect of her is hard for me to be in relationship with, I also appreciate the real life nature of the interactions. It's a very powerful part of our relationship for me to have experienced the worst of her (and her of me) and for us to still have loving feelings. From the comments in this thread, it seems it is a therapy which wouldn't suit everyone, but it feels human to me. There's something deeply real about how we relate to each other. I know it is a common approach for therapists to take, but hearing about therapists who are only ever kind and caring seems unrealistic to me. How do the gritty parts of the relationship get addressed if they are never shown? I guess they can be shown in un-mean ways. I don't know. Sometimes I think I tolerate too much £hit from her because cruelty and harshness are familiar to me.

[coolibrarian]

She was, once. But it was completely unintentional and she sent me an apology email, explaining what was going on in her life, and saying that I had done nothing wrong. I accepted her apology for 2 reasons. 1) She apologized. 2) I have had something similar to her family issue.

[Salmon77]

My T is occasionally thoughtless or says something I don't like, but that's not the same as being intentionally hurtful or "mean." I wouldn't work with someone who hurt me intentionally.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Unless there is more to what you say in your post, what you therapist said doesn't particularly sound mean. But I've known some truly mean people in my life, so my definition of mean may be a bit different.

But no, I've never had a therapist be mean to me in any way.

[ScarletPimpernel]

No. Mine has never been mean. In fact, she's almost too nice. That's why my dad nicknamed her Mary (for Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way). Except she call my dad's dog "scruffy"...lol. He says that's why it's practically and not completely. But really, she's always nice; flaws and all.

[corbie]

My ex-T was sometimes ... not exactly mean, but she could get nasty in her reserved, passive-aggressive way (not on purpose, I'm fairly sure). Some of it was little things that I figured were understandable because I wasn't exactly making her job easy, or we could settle the issue afterwards. But when she got defensive and it all became about who was 'right' or whether something was her 'fault' or not? It got so out of hand in the end that I couldn't take it any longer.

My new T hasn't been mean so far. We had one session when she was not her usual self and that was very unsettling, but it turned out there were medical reasons for that.

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I also don't think her comment sounds like a mean thing for her to say, or at least I wouldn't have heard it as such.

It depends how we are defining "mean". My therapist is not deliberately unkind in a calculated way. However, she definitely has an unpleasant side to her nature and she has allows this into the room on occasion. She has raised her voice, sworn, told me that she finds it difficult to work with me, etc. This happens when she instinctively moves to care about herself and moves away from caring about me. She owns it and mostly apologises for it. It is hurtful and confusing for me.

Whilst this aspect of her is hard for me to be in relationship with, I also appreciate the real life nature of the interactions. It's a very powerful part of our relationship for me to have experienced the worst of her (and her of me) and for us to still have loving feelings. From the comments in this thread, it seems it is a therapy which wouldn't suit everyone, but it feels human to me. There's something deeply real about how we relate to each other. I know it is a common approach for therapists to take, but hearing about therapists who are only ever kind and caring seems unrealistic to me. How do the gritty parts of the relationship get addressed if they are never shown? I guess they can be shown in un-mean ways. I don't know. Sometimes I think I tolerate too much £hit from her because cruelty and harshness are familiar to me.

This sounds very similar to my ex-T, minus the outright unpleasantness and she hardly ever apologized. And in particular the wondering whether I was tolerating too much, for too long - I struggle to tell apart being open-minded, tolerant of the other's quirks, taking responsibility for my part in bringing about an unpleasant situation and all that grown-up stuff, from being a kid desperately trying avoid conflict and/or keep her caregiver or otherwise important person in a favourable light.

Umm, that's not meant to imply that your situation is the same as mine was - I know that for me the right thing was to terminate, because therapy was literally doing more harm than good for the last few months. But I also suspect that as stupid as I feel for not terminating sooner, I'd feel just as stupid/otherwise horrible for other reasons had I done that. Also, I think the defensiveness and avoidance that did more damage than the actual 'meanness'.

[sarahsweets]

I do not think its right one bit if a therapist is mean to the client. I dont care if they are having a bad day, bad stuff in their lives or whatever. They have a specific human-interactive job and meanness is not supposed to be part of it. The same goes with jokes, sarcasm etc.

[Mountaindewed]

Basically what happened on Tuesday was she was very sick during the session and instead of cancelling it she did the session instead and just acted like she didn’t want to be there. I would have understood if she cancelled since I wasn’t feeling that great myself. But I had my weighted blanket so I was a lot more focused and talkative then I usually am during sessions. I actually ended a few minutes early because she was just kind of zoned out on webcam looking incredibly ill. I asked in email what was going on and she said it was right about the time the head cold was hitting. But when I first started the session she just immediately started jumping on me and giving me a hard time about weird stuff and I felt like she was mad at me about something and I was confused because I didn’t remember doing anything. I had had an amazing week before. and then I found out she was just not feeling good and it had nothing to do with me. But seriously cancel the session next time instead of just confusing me.

[isnupi]

Yes( very rarely, although). Therapists are not semi-gods; they are human beings.