Couch 221: Definitely Spam!

I rescued a young possum from a dumpster today - he got himself stuck and I checked on him twice to see if he could climb out, but the sides were too slippery and he was too young. So I got a big branch and put it in and watched until he climbed up it and got out.

I watched a video of a child rescuing a possum from the family pool. After chasing it around with the pool skimmer she finally caught it and carried it to the side for release. The possum immediately jumped out of the net back into the pool. I have never laughed so hard.

I hope your possum was at least grateful for the rescue, SD.

I don't know if he was grateful, but at least he didn't climb back in after getting out. I think someone dumped him in there - It would have been very hard for him to get in by himself because of the way the sides are.

SD, you know the rules - youtube or it didnt happen! This is a better story than the puppy and the alligator! That was such a tiny gator!

LOL.

Back in my day, we didn't need to photograph ourselves constantly and distribute for approval.

One of my goals is to die without ever being on a youtube video

Sounds like a challenge for the ex-hankster.

Ive been binge-watching diabetic foot care.

I will let you know if i spot SD's feet!

Any of you have a fear of inner child(ren) work? My t set me homework to read a book. It's "Healing Your Aloneness".

It's the first book I've read which normalises that you may dislike/reject/hate your inner child and they might not show up or engage with you becausethey don't trust you etc... which was a relief because I thought I was the only one.

But the book says to talk with your inner child(ren) twice a day every day and I keep getting flooded with fear that this will make my inner child more autonomous, more "real" etc when I rather they don't exist. Even though I know you can't develop osdd/did in adulthood.

I did read a blog saying dissociated parts are on a wide spectrum and it's normal in CPTSD (which I have plus dissociative amnesia) for my inner child to Not Feel Like Me but not have their own sense of self and autonomy, but... won't talking to inner child(ren) make them more separate?

You are not the only one to dislike/reject/hate/distain your inner child. And yeah, what that book says about the inner child not showing up or trusting is in alignment with my experience.

I don't know about talking to your inner child twice a day. I don't think I could have in the way the book describes. It wouldn't have felt natural or something. At some point on my journey I noticed how I talked to my inner child had shifted; because I realized that I had already been talk to them. It wasn't that I couldn't or was not talking to them - I simply wasn't kind to them. Instead, I criticized and bullied them.

My inner children felt very separate from myself. And I didn't want them to integrate or merge in with myself (not sure of the right word there). I liked them being separate for lots of reasons that I'm still trying to sort out. I think big part has to do with feeling that if they integrate then I lose what they provide for me. Being able to put on a persona that is not me, has allowed me to get several needs met and survive several different experiences that feels threatening to the inner I (little things such as job interviews and bigger things).

Anyway, some how, starting to talk to them with more compassion actually made them less separate. I don't know the whys or hows - just that it is what seems to have happened for me. I think that maybe part of the process is to let them be "real" for a bit, let them be fully seen and accepted for who they are and what they hold or provide for you. Why do they exist? To be curious about how they help you get through the day and where they might be stumbling blocks towards your goals and relationships. I think that might be how the trust occurs and with the trust comes integration (for lack of a better word). I am not sure, lots of ... "this is how it kind of feels for me" in this post. It might not be how it plays out for you, or it might.

What would be the harm in letting them exist as separate entities when you can manage them and in some way keep a part of the I (or even adult) present and if you are able to do them in a way that you do not trigger the amnesia? Let's say they never integrate, they always stay as a separate part of you - if you are able to create a system where you are aware of all of the experiences they have and you are able to call upon different parts as needed?

My T kind of explained it as - we all have these different parts of ourselves and everyone has their own way of interacting with their parts. For some, it is a seamless flow between states of a singularity. For others, there's more distinction and boundaries around these states, leading to the feelings and experiences of the parts being separate from ourselves (or the I).

You are really helpful, thank you. I feel a little less spooked. I did talk to two other friends and one is that seamless flow between states and the other has OSDD 1b. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle between.

My t also responded to my panicky emails and asked me to stop the work because it's "way too much". Before her reply, I simply didn't recognise I could stop.

In therapy my T tries to coach Adult Me to talk kindly to my child part.

Going to abbreviate as Child. They are genderfluid and feel "not me" but don't have their own sense of self so not an alter.

I resist because don't have much of a bond or connection with Child. I should clarify I don't lose time but have micro amnesias if I make sense. And historical amnesia for a lot of my past.

I guess I don't want to be a system/multiple/plural. Not saying I'm one because I don't qualify for OSDD anything much less DID but I'm scared doing this will make Child will hijack me more than they already do. That they'll be more autonomous. I rather Child not exist but they do.

I've no problem with people being multiple/plural/systems but I don't want this part of me with its existing separateness. I just want me. I used to kinda lock Child away in my head.

Child makes me feel young and vulnerable and sometimes I lose my adult cognitive abilities. Child has gotten me into trouble because I couldn't defend myself and my body.

I understand they're a hurting kid but I struggle with this... I don't want them to even exist... but then the book said I can't heal if I don't accept them.

T also said "Also, if adult you building a relationship with younger you is not what is helpful, what has our therapy been focused on?" So i feel I'm forced into this.

Sorry this is long.

Amelia's bath went pretty good last night. A lot of the fluid seemed to come off of her this time. She still has some up by her neck which was really hard to clean because I was holding her under her armpits and my dad was scrubbing away at her belly and legs. She still kind of looks like a drowned rat. She let me hold her for a long time after the bath. She was shivering. I put dry towels on her and a fleece blanket and held her next to me. She purred for a long time. This morning she ate really well after not eating much yesterday. So I am relieved. I think she has been traumatized by getting in the transmission fluid and then getting the baths. I feel so bad that I had to bathe her but I had to try hard to get her cleaner. I'm still not sure if we should do one more bath or not. But I told my Dad we will see how she does during the next day or so and if we have to, we'll just hire a professional to give her a bath because it's just too hard. She scratched my Dad's arm up pretty good this time. I felt so bad for her. I know she was having terror by being in the bath. She's been curious about the bath before but now she probably won't even come into the bathroom. I wanted to try to comb her this morning but she wasn't really coming near me. She did let me carry her over to her breakfast but she didn't want to be touched much and I had to respect that. I'm hoping her nice soft fur in under there somewhere and will come out once she has a chance to lick it all back down into some sort of semblance of normal cat fur instead of it sticking up everywhere.

I disliked my inner child for so long. I had hallucinations of a little girl who was either so terrified she was mute and catatonic or who was so angry that she was violent (towards herself) and self destructive. All the psych doctors kept telling me that was little me trying desperately to get my attention.

I pushed her away, and pushed her away, and pushed her away. I didn't want her to exist. She also didn't feel like me although I knew she was me.


Then something changed and I started to accept her for who she was and I stopped being angry with her and stopped being afraid of her and stopped hating her. I didn't really talk to her but when I saw her I thought comforting things towards her. She ended up calming down a lot. I don't see her as much anymore, maybe due to the meds, maybe due to the acceptance I feel towards her. Maybe she doesn't feel the need to get my attention as much anymore. I am also nicer and kinder to myself also, like the adult me.

*flops onto Couch, curls up in ball, whimpers*

Lost

I have two batches of pumpkin dinner rolls and two pumpkin pies sitting on my porch for our Thanksgiving potluck porch swap, and am about to make a delivery to my daughter's.


I really didn't want to get up and make the stupid rolls, but the house smelled amazing. I'll leave a few rolls here on the Couch coffee table. I ran a few through the magic gluten-zapper, @@.

Thanks WFS! Kit grabs a roll! Kicks back on the couch and kicks her shoes off.

Nobody but you and your T get a say in how your therapy goes, right?

Seems right. The only exceptions I can think of is if the therapy is court ordered, or if the therapy is part of an EAP (Employee Assistance Program).

Or if you are a minor.

Thanks. I had a scathing comment from a friend that is...difficult. Ammo for the Critic ahoy.

Starting to get anxious about the holiday. Probably doesn't help that I am not that busy at work and so therefore I have lots of time to sit and think.

Last year on Thanksgiving night I and even though I didn't go to the hospital or anything afterward, which looking back was really stupid of me not to have gone, and even though I am in no way this year, just thinking about last year makes me worry that the same thing is going to happen this year which is ridiculous, or so I thought.

I texted a friend to talk to her through these thoughts. And she was like, It's not silly. It's documented that anniversaries trigger memories and prompt repeat behavior. (She didn't cite her source so I am just taking her word on that.) So at least I am not being silly and/or ridiculous. But now I am dealing with the anxiety. EEK.


It seems like I am super sensitive. Even when coworkers and stuff are responding to me, I'm taking inflection and lack of detail in response to mean more than it probably does. This is an outgrowth of the anxiety I think. It's unpleasant but I will survive it.


Anyone else starting to get holiday anxiety?

Oh and I talked to my Mom. She is making cherry AND pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. Decisions. Decisions!

Back from the dentist.

He wanted to match my new crown to the tooth next to it, i wanted to go whiter, i won. So itll be light, dark, light. I said, i can always put a diamond on the dark one. Then we started saying, hang a different wreath on it every month.

I got my blueberry muffins. And i got some frozen sea scallops to make for dinner tomorrow. Thats pretty much my favorite food. And i just scarfed down a nondairy salted chocolate fudge haagen daazs, so thats my dessert already eaten for tomorrow!

I paid for half of my crown, will pay the other half next month. I have an appt dec 22. It might be doable to get more fixed that way, we will see.

Slumber, we wanna see a pic of kitty in her spiky hairdo! Its not gonna be her anniversary to jump in a vat of motor oil next year, is it?

The one where she is sitting is after last night's bath, so three baths. The one where she is walking is after two baths.

Don't know why my pictures always come out sideways