Connected again! <3 <3 <3

This was my second session after the 3 week break and it was so much better than the last time, which was not good. It helps me somehow, to know that he too knew it wasn't good, and that was why he sent that little reassuring email after last session.

And then I sent him that long email and he never responded. But today we discussed some of the issues in it face to face, even though we never referred overtly to it. It was like it gave him good background for our discussion so he wasn't starting from scratch and made it easier for me to broach certain topics. It was kinda efficient! (But I'm not going to make a habit of sending substantive emails.)

We covered a few topics, which I like, and he didn't keep asking me, not even once, "what else?", which he has been doing lately and I detest it. It has seemed like he has been dismissing the topics I want to talk about, implying "I've had enough of this, let's move on, what else?" That's what I hear, anyway, so Gottseidank he let me talk this time and didn't push me off of topics I wasn't ready to leave. At one point, he told me something that caused me quite a bit of anxiety, and I felt just so free to be able to let him see that anxiety. I let it come into my voice and body language. I loved that because I know that "in real life" I would probably hide that from someone who caused me anxiety in order to keep up that strong front. It just feels wonderful to be free to feel with someone and not have to hide.

We talked a lot about the therapist/divorce coach issue and it was reallllllly good to get that all out on the table. We are amazingly in sync on it. I asked him if, knowing what he knows now, he would be the coach again. He said no. He would refer me out for a coach and just stay my therapist. He says there are ethical issues he was not sensitive to and now is, and he would not do it again. I told him also that if I had to do it again, I would not. And we talked about why. He thought maybe his also being my couples therapist with my H (T really serves a triple role: my T, couples T with me and my H, and coach) would have caused problems. I said no, that is not it. That part went OK, was difficult at times, but not the problem. And he promised me that when this is all over (the divorce), he will be just my therapist again, and we will write it into the contract/settlement that sunny (and her ex) may not see him after the divorce for any coaching (it is common to retain the coach afterwards for potential post-divorce conflicts that arise, so as to avoid future litigation). He said, "I will only see you as a therapist, because that's all I want to be to you. That's what I want to be in your life. You'll have to find another coach elsewhere." And he smiled. Nothing could have made me happier. It made me feel secure to know that in the future he will be legally "stricken from the record," LOL. (Plus, it's kinda cool to hear my T say he wants to be something in my life!) He talked about clients he doesn't see for a while and who then come back several years, 6 years, 10 years later, and they pick right up where they left off. He said he wants to be that for me, always there if I need him.

We talked about how our sessions are not confidential anymore since he is my coach. He reassured that all that would end and we would go back to confidentiality once he is only my therapist again. I told him the only thing that makes it possible (having him as coach also and tolerating the lack of confidentiality), was that I had known him for a long time before he became the coach, and I knew that no matter what he did, he always had my best interests at heart. He said, yes that's true. Always.

What I take a bit of secret pleasure in was that I told him of going to see this other professional for money advice, who he knows. I said, yes, I told her I knew you, that you were my therapist--she has a lot of respect for you. He said, kind of squirming, "you told her I was your T?" Yes. "Don't say that. Tell people I am your coach." He was clearly uncomfortable with it (because they have only just changed the rules this year, which now don't permit T's to be coaches, but it was not forbidden at the time we started). Anyway, he didn't like me telling this person he was my T, I think, because it was making him look bad in the community. And I told him also I talked to another professional today on the phone, whom he also knows, and he said, "you didn't tell him I was your T, did you?" No, no, I reassured. He doesn't even know you are the coach. It's OK. LOL, it is mean of me, I know, to feel good about this. But there are times when I find out T has told others on our team information that I considered sensitive and shared just between him and me, and it did not feel good at all!!! So now I felt the shoe was on the other foot, and I had told colleagues of his something he didn't want them to know (although I hadn't realized it). Well, there ya go, T, now you know how it feels! Am I evil?

Anyway, it was a very good session. On the way out, T called, "good session today. We're back!"

The only bad thing is I have surgery next week and will need some recovery time, so my next session isn't for 17 days. Another break. Waaaaahhhhh.

Good!

Thanks, Mouse. I slept for 7 hours straight last night, I think because I felt so good--reassured, cared for, in sync with T--after this session. I feel great today (I am usually a terrible sleeper).

Someone in another thread said we should bottle therapy bliss. We would make a fortune! (But if one bottle cost as much as a session does, people might balk at the price!)