Is therapist running 1 minute late an issue?

corbie · Feb 24, 2021, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mindmechanic

The therapist said that she was back to back all day and cut the patient before me short by five minutes because she needed a short break. She said that she cut that person short instead of moving me back by five minutes and text messaging me that she would be running late because she thought that it would be upsetting to me. When I noted that she was one minute late, she got upset and shared the above with me – that she had already cut the person before me short by five minutes for me – but that I was still disappointed in her and that I was setting up an impossible standard for her.
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I just feel like time and time again, the therapist reacts from her personal countertransference feelings. We repair. But I feel like we keep on getting into these little fights, repair, and only to fight again. I feel she's too relational. It's tiring. I never get to talk about therapy material anymore because we just get into these fights every Monday evening and repair the next two times we meet and only for a fight to happen again the next Monday.

I'm her last patient on Monday. I told her that I don't want to do Monday evening again because she's usually tired. We both acknowledged that telehealth is more exhausting than in person therapy. She would have the stamina to see patients at 6pm in person but not since the pandemic when we moved to remote work.

As you said, it's the T's responsibility to manage her workload. Scheduling clients back-to-back sounds like a bad idea even at the best of times, though many Ts do it anyway. I'm surprised no-one in 30 years had an issue with an unexpected late start yet.

Although, teletherapy does make it more difficult on the client's end as well - my exT would run a few minutes late every now and then, but I saw her face-to face and knew she was behind the door with someone else and she did give me extra time in turn, so there was no reason to worry or feel slighted. With current T, we did teletherapy from the start (except for a few months in person when the lockdown eased up a bit). She's consistently 1-2 mins late, so now I tend not to worry too much unless she's more late than usual, but I remember there used to be this brief period of uncertainty when I started working with her, between the official start time and when she actually called, when I'd just sit there ready to start and wondering if she'll show up at all.

I think the bigger problem isn't her being late, but her getting defensive about it. Why it bothers you, how you feel about, it is all important therapeutic material, something she should be interested in and try to explore in depth, not brush you off with 'well no-one else had a problem with it so far'

BTW this dynamic happened between us with my xT as well, walking by / failing to discuss heaps of juicy material that perhaps could have gotten us ahead, in favor of getting into fights. There isn't much I can say that's likely to be helpful, though. Have you tried to discuss this pattern with your T?

ChickenNoodleSoup · Feb 24, 2021, 10:44 AM

I'm someone who's very punctual and expects the same from others. I don't think one minute late would bother me yet. It has never happened to me since I'm always either the one calling, which means it's at exactly the time we agreed to, or we're meeting in person and there I'm about 10 minutes early and my T always gets me right away. I think around the 5 minute mark I'd start to get anxious. But different people are different. While I'd personally not be upset by a 1 minute delay, I can see how it would be upsetting to other people.

But if she's too exhausted in the evenings Mondays to work with you, is there any chance you could get another slot at a time where she might be less exhausted?

Feb 24, 2021, 03:05 PM

Do you expect her to be punctual within seconds or are you concerned about your feeling when she is seconds late? These seem like different categories to me.

I think it is unrealistic and rather harsh to expect her to be punctual to within a minute. I understand that it might make you anxious, but do you need to do anything with that anxiety other than feel it? What about noticing that you feel anxious, paying attention to what happens in your body, noticing what happens to you when she does call, and so on. Maybe then you can bring those experiences to the session rather than impossible expectations about time keeping. After all, this is a safe way to experience anxiety. You feel anxious for a minute, she calls, your anxiety is ill-founded, and you are then well placed to discuss your experience of the anxiety. Seems like a safe and controlled environment to learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings.

*Beth* · Feb 25, 2021, 04:45 PM

The only part of teletherapy I like is that my T is either right on time, or is only 1 minute late. When we saw each other in person she was frequently 10 minutes late. I'm a time freak, and her lateness drove me up a wall. 1 minute is nothing; it could easily be a difference in clocks, even.

Favorite Jeans · Feb 26, 2021, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mindmechanic

The therapist said that she was back to back all day and cut the patient before me short by five minutes because she needed a short break. She said that she cut that person short instead of moving me back by five minutes and text messaging me that she would be running late because she thought that it would be upsetting to me. When I noted that she was one minute late, she got upset and shared the above with me – that she had already cut the person before me short by five minutes for me – but that I was still disappointed in her and that I was setting up an impossible standard for her.

One, it's her problem that she schedules patients back to back. Two, I never took issue with it when she would drop me a note that she would be running three or five minutes late. It's when she runs late – even by a minute – and doesn't acknowledge it or give me my minute back that upsets me. Even then, there have been times when she was a minute or two late, and I didn't say anything about it. But last night, I did.

The therapist said that she can't text me to let me know that she'll be a minute late because then she would be another minute late. That's fine. I guess a minute late is no big deal? But somehow that one minute makes me anxious because I'm worried that something bad might have happened to her. We didn't get to explore it in too much detail. She said that the likelihood of her falling ill and missing our time is very slim. But thinking about it logically in that way doesn't help. My mind is still thinking "what if" and "but you never know."

When I said to her that I never took issue with her being late during those times when she would drop me a note to let me know that she's running three or five minutes late, and that in the future, she could do that instead of cutting the person before me short, she responded defensively, "I get to make the decisions and handle it how I want to." ?!?! I was trying to tell her it's okay for her to be late; just don't leave me hanging in the dark and worried.

I just feel like time and time again, the therapist reacts from her personal countertransference feelings. We repair. But I feel like we keep on getting into these little fights, repair, and only to fight again. I feel she's too relational. It's tiring. I never get to talk about therapy material anymore because we just get into these fights every Monday evening and repair the next two times we meet and only for a fight to happen again the next Monday.

I'm her last patient on Monday. I told her that I don't want to do Monday evening again because she's usually tired. We both acknowledged that telehealth is more exhausting than in person therapy. She would have the stamina to see patients at 6pm in person but not since the pandemic when we moved to remote work.

I guess the question for you is: how important is it for you to process this stuff with her? You’re saying you hardly get to your therapy material. Can you possibly find a way to cope with the anxiety and frustration on your own so you can talk about the other stuff?

On the other hand:

Your T isn’t perfect and she will do things that upset you no matter what. To some extent, learning to discuss and work through that is the core of your therapy because those issues are likely coming up for you elsewhere.

Is it possible that your anxiety, anger, discomfiture etc about her lateness could actually be your main issue right now? For example, I can imagine that if someone held people to very exacting standards and defaulted quickly to doom scenarios, it could cause interpersonal issues in many relationships. The therapy relationship could be a safe place to explore that.

This will only be possible if your T can unhook and stop being so reactive and just be open to talking about what’s going on for you.

Lonelyinmyheart · Feb 27, 2021, 10:24 AM

It would only bother me if she didn't make up the minute at the end. My first T was often a minute or so late, but she'd end our session on time, and I'd always feel cheated. I could never tell her though.

Brown Owl 2 · Feb 28, 2021, 01:06 PM

I think it’s a bit shocking and shameful when T’s do back to back appointments. There’s no way they can be at their best, fully present and attuned when they work like that. My old T used to do that at times, and looking back I realise she was sometimes kind of on automatic. She also got defensive when I brought stuff up, instead of being curious, reflective, interested, gentle and accepting. I don’t like that your T compared you to other clients.

Lemoncake · Mar 01, 2021, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mindmechanic

Sounds like it's me – I have a problem.

This would have been a biggie for me too back in the day, doesn't mean you have a problem.

"Where is he?"
"Is he even going to come?"
"Have I got the time wrong?"

In the four years I did see my T, he did actually miss/ forget my session appointment three times.

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Is therapist running 1 minute late an issue?

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