Is therapist running 1 minute late an issue?

Do you take issue if your therapist is 1 minute late? The therapist said that in 30 years of working with patients, I'm the only patient who has a problem with it.

Nah. 1 minute wouldn't bother me. My T tends to run a little behind but she makes up the time at the end of the session. I never feel cheated.

One minute? No, not at all. My ex-marriage counselor would often be 15 minutes late, sometimes 30 minutes. *That* bothered me. My current T is generally right on time, though occasionally a couple minutes late. He always apologizes when he is. Ex-MC stopped even bothering to apologize after a point. He tended to keep us late though (like longer than 50 minutes, sometimes an hour and 15 minutes even).

No. I think it helps me that she isn’t super worried about going over time by a little- if she was always stopping exactly on the minute but starting even a minute late it would annoy me, but some flexibility is fine as long as it’s on both sides.

I was the one running late when I was seeing her in person. I had get off work and clock out and then make it halfway across town in half an hour. One time I was really running late because of work and I ended up being 10 minutes late for my appointment and that’s the only time I really saw her get visibly pissed. After that we rescheduled to a different time.

I don't take issue with one minute. But I am a "time is fluid" person naturally. One minute seems pretty normal to me.

Sounds like it's me – I have a problem.

L is always late by a minute or two, but that's it. I think it's because her office clock is off by that much. But she always gives me my full time or more, so I don't complain.

I appreciate punctuality. L knows that I want that from her and tries real hard to provide that for me. She even sets alarms for when she calls me because she knows I'm like that.

So no, you're not alone with punctuality being important.

When I was growing up, I had curfews. If my dad said be home by 10:00, he meant 10:00...not 10:01 or 10:05. I paid a price if I was late, so I'm hyper-punctual to this day. I've tried to get past this, but still find myself looking at my watch if my therapist is running late. I don't know if you experience this, or not, mindmechanic, but I always show up 15 minutes early for appointments so I'm not late. That's pretty fear-based stuff.

1 or 2 minutes doesn’t bother me - when we used Zoom we’d be spending longer than that trying to get it to work! She just rings me now and it’s usually “on the dot” or just over.

I have noticed that ever since we had to have video sessions instead of f2f my T is always like literally every single time 1 or 2 minutes late. I don't know if it's her clock or something. Interestingly she always finish on time, so I don't know. Our sessions are typically 48 minutes rather than 50. I found it a bit weird at first, but I guess it's ok, just two minutes..

It doesn't bother me I consider it probably a difference in clocks. I have noticed her clock differs from mine by a couple of minutes. She does 55 minute hours and then takes a couple of minutes to quickly write a quick note. So if a client goes over even by a couple of minutes, it can make a big difference Frequently, she will walk out of her office, greet me, and tell me to go into her office while she quickly uses the restroom. For whatever reason my appointment almost always run 70-75 minutes because I am her last person of the day. So I definitely cannot be upset that she is a couple of minutes late. I do wonder if she is more punctual with the clients who she cannot keep for extended sessions.

When too many seconds have passed at the minute and one or two minutes go by and the therapist still hasn't called, I start feeling really anxious. I think that something bad might have happened to her – usually a fear that she fell ill or had a serious medical situation come up. When the therapist said that I'm the only patient who takes issue with her being one minute late in 30 years of her work, it makes me feel really bad about myself. She said that she was mad because it was an impossible standard. I understand that she's human, but I wish she could put it in a gentler way.

A minute? Heck no.

My therapist, I realized really early, actually started his sessions at 10 after and went to the hour (50 minutes). He was late - very consistent actually, just started at a different time.

I am a teacher and a musician, and in those pursuits, I am a slave to clocks and bells, and the old adage about music rehearsals is that if your are 5 minutes early, you are 10 minutes late. LOL. So, outside of those activities, I ignore clocks as much as possible and just relax a bit. I am definitely not a clock watcher in my personal life.

I'm also so used to doctors being late (we spend a lot of time in doctor's offices) that I just learned not to stress about it too much. Life is too short to squabble over a few minutes.

I was never on a time crunch with my therapy appointments because they were after I was done with my work day. I can see if someone was trying to squeeze in an appointment in the middle of their work day or something, that sticking to the time schedule is much more important, and that would be something to discuss with the therapist.

Sounds like this isn't really about time for you. Something else is going on that you probably should process and then maybe the clock watching will subside a bit.

Your T has not had Mindmechanic as a client in 30 years either. I would be more concerned with the seemingly dismissive response to your concern and lack of taking responsibility for being late. Even if no one ever again has a complaint T's responsibility is to show up time as agreed.

If it bothers you it's important. If you want it to not bother you then perhaps you all can discuss that too.

Have you told her this first part? Because that seems very different to me than your just being annoyed she's late, and it sounds like that's what she's reacting to (mentioning the impossible standard). I agree with Artley that this is something you should explore with her.

Out of curiosity, was there ever a time in your past where someone was late and something *had* happened to them? Even like a minor car accident or something? Or maybe something happened in a story you read or something you watched as a little kid and it stuck in your head? I just think it's something to talk about with her.

My T is typically 1-5 mins late. Sometimes its 10 minutes with no word from her so I panic. She also didn’t make up the time at the end. We talked about it and now she texts me when she is gonna be that late and most of the time I still get my full hour.

Makes me want to pull a Law and Order on her and review all her cases for the past 30 years, to make sure she didnt do anything else wrong!

If its an issue for you, then its an issue for you! That is the art and science of therapy. Art is how the subject is chosen, science is how it is analyzed. Roughly speaking. Nobody says, oh, nobody painted the Mona Lisa BEFORE you, therefore you shouldnt have painted it!

1 minute would not bother me but “you’re the only patient in 30 years who ____” would absolutely bother me.

I would probably feel shamed by that kind of framing. It would be a lot more productive and interesting if the therapist asked what that minute meant to you. Are you worried about the T? Do you feel slighted, as though making you wait means you’re unimportant? Are they easygoing about starting late but very strict about ending right on time? Or maybe T is very exacting in some other way and you feel the standard is being applied unfairly? Do you feel uncomfortable in their waiting room? Maybe it’s something else altogether or maybe you don’t know the reason.

Your feelings are your feelings whether they’re very common or very unique and they deserve your T’s kindness and attention.

The therapist said that she was back to back all day and cut the patient before me short by five minutes because she needed a short break. She said that she cut that person short instead of moving me back by five minutes and text messaging me that she would be running late because she thought that it would be upsetting to me. When I noted that she was one minute late, she got upset and shared the above with me – that she had already cut the person before me short by five minutes for me – but that I was still disappointed in her and that I was setting up an impossible standard for her.

One, it's her problem that she schedules patients back to back. Two, I never took issue with it when she would drop me a note that she would be running three or five minutes late. It's when she runs late – even by a minute – and doesn't acknowledge it or give me my minute back that upsets me. Even then, there have been times when she was a minute or two late, and I didn't say anything about it. But last night, I did.

The therapist said that she can't text me to let me know that she'll be a minute late because then she would be another minute late. That's fine. I guess a minute late is no big deal? But somehow that one minute makes me anxious because I'm worried that something bad might have happened to her. We didn't get to explore it in too much detail. She said that the likelihood of her falling ill and missing our time is very slim. But thinking about it logically in that way doesn't help. My mind is still thinking "what if" and "but you never know."

When I said to her that I never took issue with her being late during those times when she would drop me a note to let me know that she's running three or five minutes late, and that in the future, she could do that instead of cutting the person before me short, she responded defensively, "I get to make the decisions and handle it how I want to." ?!?! I was trying to tell her it's okay for her to be late; just don't leave me hanging in the dark and worried.

I just feel like time and time again, the therapist reacts from her personal countertransference feelings. We repair. But I feel like we keep on getting into these little fights, repair, and only to fight again. I feel she's too relational. It's tiring. I never get to talk about therapy material anymore because we just get into these fights every Monday evening and repair the next two times we meet and only for a fight to happen again the next Monday.

I'm her last patient on Monday. I told her that I don't want to do Monday evening again because she's usually tired. We both acknowledged that telehealth is more exhausting than in person therapy. She would have the stamina to see patients at 6pm in person but not since the pandemic when we moved to remote work.

One minute? Nah, that's nothing..

Your therapist is making too much of it being a minute over. They should be curious about what it is about it (a minute over) that is making you anxious. In other words, they ought to dig deeper.

Your T doesn't seem to be doing their job but instead, getting defensive. Not a good sign (at least for a decent T)

It wouldnt bother me. My therapist tends to go 15-30 minutes late most of the time.

When we were doing zoom sessions, my T was two/three minutes late. It never bothered me because he always made up the time at the end.

I did feel what you’re feeling though, especially if he wasn’t online in those tow/three minutes. What if something happened to him? What if he forgot? What if he got his days mixed up? Should I call him? Should I give it another two minutes? It definitely created a vortex of anxiety.

I would definitely bring up how it’s making me feel. I’m sorry she was so dismissive of your feelings—I think I would have an issue with “you’re the only client bothered by it in the 30 years that I’ve been practicing.” It sounds like she was being defensive, which isn’t fair on you. She should be curious about the bigger picture.