Breaking up and going back

I broke up with T 15 days ago. Our last session only lasted half of our regular session because it got so overwhelming that I hung up to keep from drowning and freaking out.
(My T still does video sessions. For anyone wondering why I hung up instead of walked out.)

I saw T 3x a week for the last 9 months. We've had a great connection from session 1, but we've also had our disagreements. At times I felt lectured to and pushed by T. T is concerned at my level of isolation and has been trying to get me to let other people in. Make friends. My trust in others is nonexistent while being abandoned/rejected/left is my biggest fear. During our last session I was growing increasingly annoyed and upset at T's nonstop lecturing, as I wasn't in the mood to hear T drone on. I did interrupt T cause I wanted T to listen, but T only saw me as being aggressive AND CALLED ME "AGGRESSIVE". It felt like a slap in the face. Then T suggested we go from sessions 3x a week to 1x a week.
😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

I heard nothing else. T is leaving me. T hates me. I couldn't breath. I heard a voice, kinda like Charlie Brown's teacher, but it was muffled too. Like if someone was standing on the side of a pool speaking to you from above and you were in the pool under the water looking up at their distorted image trying to make out what they were saying to you. So I hung up on T.

I wrote out this lengthy text breaking up with T and telling T exactly what I thought and felt. Basically told T to focus on being a better therapist instead of trying to rope vulnerable clients into groups they don't want to be apart of and that I'm done. Then I blocked T's number and went to bed. The next day it was like none of that had happened. I felt great for a good couple of days. Then it hit me. My depression and what I did. Tired, lump in my throat, exhausted, pain in my chest. I'll never see T or hear T's voice again.

I feel horrible. For how I ended it. How I left things. For how I treated T. Someone that was only trying to treat and help me. So I unblocked T and had 2 messages from T pop up telling me "they want me to continue with therapy even if it's not with them because they are concerned with my level of isolation and that the things that I brought up in that text that bothered me they had no idea bothered me nor was that their intent. They hope I'm doing alright, they wish me well, and they miss my laughter." I busted out crying and sent T a text apologizing, saying what happened in my head, and that I didn't want to end therapy anymore. T sent a reply asking if I wanted to continue with them and the appts they had available. I picked the appt times and T set them up and said "See you tomorrow, have a good night."

I feel relief, but so much anxiety as well. Facing T after hanging up in their face, and than everything I said in that text that I actually sent to T (&#128561! I sent it because I never thought I'd actually see T again. Now here I am. I have no idea how this first session back is going to go or what T is going to say, but I do have 2 more sessions after this session scheduled for this week.
So I guess we're gonna figure it out.
🙃

This sounds really painful. I went through something similar with my T (different conflict, but also feeling abandoned), also leaving for about 2 weeks (and trying out another therapist in the meantime). I then realized I still wanted to work with my current T and emailed to ask if we could meet to discuss things. He told me I was brave for coming back and facing what had happened. I figured I'd see how I felt at that meeting, but he seemed to really listen and take in what I had to say. So I opted to start seeing him again. It seems like our relationship has improved considerably in the year and a half since then, that we understand and respect each other more (though we still have our share of conflicts, we work through them).

I hope something similar happens with you, that your relationship with your T gets stronger. The first session back will be difficult. But keep in mind that your T has chosen to keep working with you, no matter what you said to them. I hope you can work through things. Just remember that it may take a bit of time to fully trust them again. Sending good thoughts...

Also, welcome to the forum!

That does sound painful. Hugs if wanted. Something like that happened with me. After I'd seen my t for one year, she moved out of state for awhile and we did phone sessions during that time. On one of those phone sessions we had an argument and I freaked out and hung up on her. I stewed in my own juices feeling completely miserable for 3 days before calling her and apologizing. She graciously accepted my apology and we talked about what happened and she said that it's a relationship, and while it had been damaged, like all relationships it could be repaired. And we did, and I think it got stronger because of it. We've had a couple of other big ruptures since then as well and always worked through them. I wish you all the best! And welcome to the forum!

Its sounds to me that you expressed a lot of things in your text that you needed to say and for your own reasons hadn't until that moment. From my experience, this can lead to acceptance and understanding, and eventually healing. Isnt that the reason for therapy? To lead to healing?

I wish life was less complicated. I hope things start to get better for you.

Welcome to the forum, Jellybean!

I understand how hard it is, the idea of facing your T after all that has happened. Honestly, though, it sounds like excellent material for therapeutic work has come from your disagreement. Use it and keep going!