Therapy is like prostitution - selling fake love

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Originally Posted by feileacan I understand that this is the general case. However, I have come to feel and experience the love from my T - something I never felt from my mother. Sure, we can argue that the T-s love can never be so unconditional as it can be from a mother. However, I don't think it's necessarily very far from that. Also, I don't think that unconditional love means seeing me for free, forever, putting up with anything etc etc. But I do feel in my heart that his man truly wants the best for me and puts in his own effort to make it happen. I also have no doupts that he will love me also after we have parted ways.

I don't doubt how you feel, at all. I feel pretty much the same way about my own therapist.

For some people, therapy can feel like they were buying what turns out to be fake love. It's a difficult and disappointing experience. As the OP said

That's what therapy seems like to the OP or did when they wrote that, and It sounds like a pretty difficult state to be in, to me.

Other people have other experiences and perhaps the OP will have a changed view at some point. But, for right now this sounds like a very painful place for them to be in, and one which a number of other people have shared.

I have a good relationship with my T and I believe in her caring/love - similar to a teacher/student or a personal care giver/client. In my 20's I worked in group homes for individuals with MRDD and my caring for some of them is/was real and I think about them from time to time. At the same time, when I left the job, those relationships ended.

At times, I do see how therapy can feel like emotional prostitution. Even now, as I go through my process there are moments that I feel like my therapist is providing something akin to emotional prostitution. And possibly the truth is, is that there are elements of that - she provides emotional support, pretty uniform unconditional regard, and helps with dysregulation. She provides other things as well, such as being a sounding board and guides in learning how to identify the impact of my actions on my life. And for these things I do pay a fee. Is that prostitution? So is she selling love or is it that receiving those things at times feels like receiving love? Also, what makes paying a fee for those services at times, leaves me feeling like her motives are artificial in some regards? In those moments, why don't I, despite experiences to the contrary, trust that her caring is genuine -- or why in moments do I question what a caring act would be in the situation.

And sure there are T's out there that do the job for a variety of reasons. And I'm positive that if I could not pay at all for my sessions, my T would eventually not be able to work with me. Without going into specifics, I know my T does what she can do to make it so I can afford to pay for my sessions and that the eventual timeline is very generous.

For me, it is confusing and painful when I am in a place of distrusting her motives; question the validity of her caring/love; and when her autonomy is in conflict with my wants. In those moments, my mind can play all kinds of tricks on me and make all kinds of meanings out of events. The relationships between a therapist and client are varied and can be very complex given the nature and reasons why one seeks out the service of a therapist.

OP I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

That said, this dichotomy is so freaking tiresome. On the one hand there is pure, selfless, wholesome love and on the other hand there is mercenary, capitalist, profiteering? And... women who expect to get paid for their work are (akin to) prostitutes? And sex work is demeaned as a bad, shameful, immoral and illegal thing.

OMG. This is so not okay. (Don’t @me I know not all therapists are women but it’s a female-dominated profession and generally it’s women who are expected to do endless, boundaryless, unpaid caring work to which all and sundry feel entitled.)

I have been hurt too by wanting and needing more than a therapist could give. I get that. But you have paid them for a service and part of that service is precisely to have good boundaries and to provide care only within the context of the therapeutic relationship.

Otherwise it’s not safe and it’s not therapy. You are not paying for their love. You are paying for their skills and their time.

Therapists don't have any skills. They are grifters.

I do think many Ts have skills. My T and L do. It really helps.

I'm sorry that you have experienced such negative Ts. But making black and white statements isn't helpful or healthy. Not all Ts fall into thos category. I'll admit some do. I've experienced both good and bad Ts. But none are exactly the same.

I have not experienced any of them as emotional prostitutes. I do believe you have. Could it be that you went into therapy looking/hoping for care and love, and being gravely disappointed when your T didn't provide that? Not all Ts "love" their clients. (T said she didn't love me). And yet many do really care. And some Ts who are blank slate, might not show they care even though they do. Another possibility is "tough love". I've experienced that a lot. Like my ex-Pdoc. You read her reviews and they are BAD! But that's not my experience with her. Yes she was a strong, confident, independent woman, but she had a big heart.

I just wish that you wouldn't make such sweeping statements. It's not all or nothing. There ARE good Ts out there. AND there are bad Ts. That's just humanness. It's can be seen in all professions. And I don't know of anyone who is altruistic. I don't think you can expect that of one profession or another. Just because they're in the helping field, doesn't mean they should do xyz.

Again, I'm sorry for your experiences.

I'm surprised how many here have actually used the services of prostitutes to be able to make the comparison that therapy feels exactly the same!

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Originally Posted by elisewin I'm surprised how many here have actually used the services of prostitutes to be able to make the comparison that therapy feels exactly the same!

Good point!

I have been thinking about thread. Maybe the reason I don't understand the topic of is because I honestly do not expect love beyond the feelings of loving a person on the basic level of loving other humans from my therapists.

Nor do I expect that relationships with people in personal life personal life will be forever regardless of how much we love and care for each other. Honestly, is ther ever any true unconditional love other than maybe parent and child.

If I started doing things outside of my agreement with my husband (infidelity, abuse, etc) my marriage would likely not be forever even though we have been married forever.

If I were to suddenly be nasty and abusive towards my best friend or changed in a way we no longer had things in common, I don't expect.that my best friend of 15 years would still be in my life.

Maybe all of this is related to my abandonment issues and knowing that since my dad left me I expect other to as well.

Your whole post is perfect for this thread, especially what I bolded. In my opinion the role of a therapist is to get the skills and ways to cope with life and make life better and then the whole goal is not need therapy anymore. They are providing a service (what I just explained) not love or friendship. Certainly a therapist can and should care but with the proper boundaries.

I had a therapist who played "mom" with me and tried to fill all my unmet needs. It wasn't healthy or therapy and in that case it did feel like paid "love" so I understand what the OP meant in this thread. But If you have a good, ethical therapist then it doesn't feel like paid love. It feels like you are paying for there skills and knowledge which I think is the point when doing therapy. So I think it comes down to having the right therapist who knows how to keep the appropriate boundaries.

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Originally Posted by Mystical_Being ......But If you have a good, ethical therapist then it doesn't feel like paid love. It feels like you are paying for there skills and knowledge which I think is the point when doing therapy. So I think it comes down to having the right therapist who knows how to keep the appropriate boundaries.

Exactly.

I am in school to become a therapist and idk any of my classmates or myself going through this period of education who aren’t doing this bc they care for people. I just wanna help like I have been helped.

The therapists I have sued are not in it for altruistic reasons. While any number are working out their own issues on their clients, the clients are not really their focus - according to their own words.

Don't forget, like doctors, therapists are practicing. No one is perfect.

Even those who help to train therapists have issues, and they pass them on to others. Creating damage in those who graduate and start to get paid.

The world is a big mess.

I've seen more hate than love. More stress, than peace.

Please remember, stress is a part of life, but so is growth.

I understand that OP is upset/angry/mad, and this is a place to release those emotions. Many of us agree and disagree, or some where in between. Each person's concern or point of view is valid for the situation. Honestly I could go on about how flawed the system is in the U.S. but instead, how do we fix this broken system where people feel that the love is fake? Where do we go from here to help each other learn how to listen to others without needing to pay for someone to listen, or feel it's fake? What if instead of fighting we figure out a solution to our problems?

I only wish I had more of a solution. One place to start could involve a solution manual, instead of a diagnosis manual.

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in my experience, therapists are in love with themselves. I did not hire one of these people to be loved -the woman was merely a stranger charity case-she sat there and did nothing and I handed her money.

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Originally Posted by stopdog in my experience, therapists are in love with themselves. I did not hire one of these people to be loved -the woman was merely a stranger charity case-she sat there and did nothing and I handed her money.

You're correct: that was your experience with one therapist. One therapist hardly represents every therapist on earth, you know? You might have a bad experience with one teacher - or ten teachers. But even those ten do not represent all teachers. Thinking in such a narrow way is how ugly prejudices develop.

The fun part of suing them is their tendency to weep when presented with evidence

My therapist always says that I pay her for her knowledge and expertise.I cannot buy her love and care because her heart is not for sale.

Awe, that's really nice.

Those people tell a lot of lies.

I recently stopped seeing my fifth therapist. This time, we stopped because I moved to a new state and she's unable to keep seeing me where I am now, even remotely. And I will miss her. It was the best and most professional therapy I ever received precisely because she had very clear boundaries and was not giving me fake love and friendship. I knew we weren't friends and it never crossed my mind. With every other therapist I've seen, it was like paying a friend for their ear, and it became very confusing at times, especially with my male therapist when I started to think he was attracted to me. With my most recent therapist, she was always only there to give me solid exercises for how to deal with my diagnosis, and I do feel that she helped me. And she was still compassionate about it without acting like my mom or friend. I never once felt confused about what we were doing or who she was.

My male therapist had a picture of Freud in his office and often went on these intellectual rambles while stroking his goatee, and I started to get the feeling he was really impressed with himself and wanted his clients to see him that way as well. We had some interesting conversations, but I saw him for two years and made zero progress. In fact, I got worse, and that's how I ended up with my last one. Big egos should not exist in a therapist's office, and yet most of them have one, if not a god complex. I've seen that, too.

I don't know that I will be able to find a therapist like my last one again, and I'm thinking about stopping, maybe permanently. Now that I know what therapy should be like, I don't want to pay anyone else for phony love and caring ever again. I don't want to pay anyone else to have me sit on a couch for an hour trying to think of something to say while they offer me nothing but "let's try some breathing exercises" and still bill me full price. Rant over.