[Mountaindewed]

Not sure if this is related to this topic, but I had 2 loving parents and a big extended family. I had no history of abuse of any kind, I was paid attention to as a kid, and I don’t have a personality disorder and my self esteem and self worth are fine.

But I’ve noticed the more unprofessional the therapist is I have a harder time leaving them and getting over them. But the very good ones I’m fine with moving on. I had a really bad emotionally abusive therapist that I stuck with for 4 years until she terminated me. It was really hard getting over her and I ended up in the hospital and every mental health professional I’ve encountered since that incident in 2015 has blamed her.

Then my last therapist was kind of passive aggressive at times, you could tell when she was having a bad day then she’d apologize the next time for her behavior and she was fine. She switched up boundaries like crazy and made a lot of false promises. I just felt confused by her all the time. But almost 3 months later I still miss her sometimes.

Then the 2 therapists I was the closest to, one I met with for 2.5 years, the other just for a year. and another decent one I was with for 3 years, I had no problem moving on from them when the time came.

Why is this happening? Why is it so tough to get over the bad/toxic/unprofessional passive aggressive ones but easy to get past the good ones?

[ShastaBear]

A therapist is a person with hang-ups. Most want to be helpful, I think, but some want to be the Source of all Help, a sort of savior or Messiah. If they are personally invested in your recovery and not just in a professional way - like a doctor wishing the best for his patients then I think that attitude ends up fostering dependence.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think if they're toxic, they have a way of sucking you back in when they hurt you. It's the cycle of abuse thing, where they're caring, then hurt you, then make up for it and things seem ok again, until they hurt you again.

Or it can be much less overt. Where it could be they just have really inconsistent boundaries. So it's confusing. But can also draw you in. The intermittent reinforcement thing--I had that with my former marriage counselor. Where sometimes he'd reply to my emails or texts, and sometimes he wouldn't. But that made the times he replied seem more meaningful. Sometimes he'd talk to me (individually) on the phone or let me talk about my own stuff in a marriage counseling session. Other times, he'd say we have to stick to marital topics.

It was difficult to leave him, even when we had a major rupture where he really hurt me. It still went on for 4 months, where we kept going, and I kept hoping we could work through it, until finally I realized we couldn't.

Ex-T, I had some issues with her, but she was generally good/consistent with boundaries. With her, I decided to try out another T, saying I'd go for a couple months then come back or else if I opted to stay with him, I'd at least return for a termination session or two. I never returned. Leaving was easy.

Current T is more complicated. He generally has better boundaries that ex-MC did (though less so since the pandemic), and I stayed through a couple ruptures. Then we had a major rupture, and I left, saw another therapist for 2 weeks, then...went back to my current T. So I guess it was difficult to truly leave him, too, but it was more that I felt like he could still truly help me (and he has since then). Rather than being unable to leave for other reasons.

I know that was mostly rambling about my own experiences, but hope it gives you some sort of insight. I just think there can be something about inconsistencies and being unsure what you'll get--assuming it's good some of the time--that can draw a person in (I've experienced that in past romantic relationships as well).

[RollercoasterLover]

The good ones don't leave you with something to heal from. The bad ones have left a mark on your emotional/mental state. Healing takes more time.

I've been blessed when it comes to therapists so this is my experience with people in general. Friends, neighbors, coworkers... I've had good ones, bad ones and some that still nag at my emotions and thoughts in a negative way. I try to stay mindful and kick them out of my head when they intrude. Its harder if I'm upset, sad or angry to stay mindful, but I try it anyway since the only thing I have to lose is bad feelings about something from the past.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have a different experience, but it's due to my abandonment issues. I always had a hard time letting go of my good Ts, and have mixed experiences with bad Ts.

I think the closest example I can relate to is with ex-T. Looking back, she was a bad T. I would leave sessions crying more so than not. I thought it meant I was doing good work. Most of the problems, instead of placing them on her where they belonged, I took as my own. When we disagreed, I was made to feel like I was wrong. She constantly wanted to send me to the crisis house or hospital. I thought it was because I was messed up. She played word games (claiming she didn't say something). I believe that it was all my fault, my misunderstanding, my faulty memory. I was made out to be "sick" or incapable, and I believed her. I thought that because she was the professional, she knew best. I thought because I have BPD that I was mentally messed up. And I loved her and looked up to her. How could she possibly be wrong?

It's been 6 years and a lot of work with two good Ts, and I'm still not completely over her. I don't know if I ever will be. But I'm okay now and now I know that I know what's best for me. I know what a good therapist and good therapy looks like.

I don't know if any of that helps? I think my simple answer is that you give them your power and they twist it around on you where you no longer can trust yourself. Your reality is warped. You trust them. They're alluring. They make promises, don't hold healthy boundaries, and use their profession to make themselves feel better. That's my experience with ex-T anyways.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

It could be because harmful T's feel more familiar. People are often drawn to those who replicate their past, especially their relationship with caregivers. A toxic T may feel more 'right' than an ethical, boundaried, caring T. People naturally go to what is familiar.....'better the devil you know.' Also, with a toxic T, a trauma bond often results which replicates the intense attachment created in childhood and it's near on impossible to let go. Just my thoughts. I've been fortunate enough to never experience a toxic T, although a couple of t's I saw said stuff that was pretty upsetting.

[corbie]

Hmm good question. Was discussintgxT stuff with T last session, and I did wonder why I still miss her (after more than a year!!) when relationship w current T works pretty similar to what I initially hoped to develop w xT. Might be interesting to put it in this broader context.

BTW, for me part of the answer is transference stuff. Despite cognitively understanding that she ****ed up and failed me as a T, some stupid stuck-in-childhood part of my brain insists that she's the most wonderful being to ever have walked on Earth, and everything would have been perfect if only I tried harder or did/said the right things, and is there really nothing more I can try? As explained to me by a number of Ts and articles, children desperately need to see their parents as 'good' and try at all costs preserve that positive image in their minds (e.g blaming themselves), so I think if parental transference is at play, then it might trigger this 'defence mechanism' even if your actual childhood was as non-abusive as it can get.

Then there's the 'must find the good in everything' coping mechanism, which can gradually shift from 'this really sucks but at least something good came out of it' to 'it's for the better, might suck a little, but nothing is perfect'

But also the process of coping with their **** takes up a lot of mental resources, and ... it's a connection, a sort of intimacy, a sort of challenge, probably a lot of other things that might be hard to let go and leave a void. Perhaps it!s a bit of Sunk Cost Fallacy - part of the brain says 'I invested so much into trusting this person, putting up with her quirks, trying to fix things, there has to be a way to make it pay off somehow', when the ratioal part already decided to cut my losses and move on.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Corbie - your post reminded me of something too that I've talked about with L. It is easier for a child for them to think there's something wrong with themselves than to think there's something wrong with their parents/protectors/"safe" people. Because if there's something wrong with themselves they can fix it, make it better. But if there's something wrong with the "adult" it can shatter their world. I think (err...know) that this can happen as adults too. It's easier for there to be something wrong with me because then I can fix it.

[Mystical_Being]

I agree with a lot of what others are saying. I have had 2 toxic therapists, the last one being worse. The grief and pain is hard and letting them go is so hard for me. The good therapists with good boundaries are not hard to leave at all. The most toxic one for me tried to fill my unmet needs from childhood and the whole thing was so intoxicating. It sucks you in and you just want more and more of it. As someone else said, the toxic ones leave you something to heal from which makes moving on harder. There is something about a toxic relationship that makes it hard to leave or get out of. If the relationship is healthy its easier to move on.