Couch 228--The Wellness Couch

Hugs, Kit. I didn't realize you'd had breast cancer before. You definitely need the mammogram then. I imagine the radiologists have seen all kinds of scars and wouldn't comment on or ask about them. It makes complete sense that you were anxious about the pap because of your initial experience with it. Plus it is just really awkward.

that's the way they do it where I go, too.

Nope. I have photos saved of both L and T. L actually gave me photos

Hi Lost. I have pictures of Former T on my cell phone and in my email. I even had a picture of her on my computer at work. Until I got a new computer. I don't have pictures of any more current T's but former T I did. It was comforting. She knew I had them and she probably knows I still have them.

well that was a super uncomfortable session. i had been feeling pretty good all week because of all the swimming and stuff and felt good when I went in, but it didn't take too long before I got all sulky and angry with her. she didn't have my sand tray pictures again (she was the one who brought it up 2 weeks ago) i hate feeling angry with her. i can't look at her when i'm mad at her. we managed to talk about my anger anyway, i did a sand tray again, she spouted some stuff that sounded like a bunch of gobbledygook to me and I told her so, and she said that was my negative animus talking, she recognized the look on my face.

I think it's time for another break.

HUGS Artie. Maybe do some swimming this weekend. You find such joy in the water.

Thank you and hugs back, Kit. Yeah, I'm going swimming here in a little while. I don't like feeling angry at her or at anyone, I think because even after SO many years of therapy I still have a lot of anger held in my body and when I feel actively angry at someone, it's like, I'm afraid that the stored/dormant anger is going to latch onto the active feeling and take control of me. I cannot seem to explain to her this fear. I wish I'd thought of explaining it like this while I was still in her office today. Oh well. I'll write it down for next week. Maybe a break is NOT what's called for now. Maybe I need to stay with this and work through it.

We had ice cream at 2 o'clock break today. Yum. Of course it was followed by a work meeting. Sigh.

LT, that didnt sound right to me, that the beer has to enter your bloodstream. What about Pavlov's dog?

Merely a Taste of Beer Can Trigger a Rush of Chemical Pleasure in the Brain
|
Science

| Smithsonian Magazine

Yay for ice cream! Boo for meetings. We had a super boring one at work on Wednesday.

I usually only have one meeting a day so when I have more than one I am grumpy.

No, I am a member of that particular club.

I can't even picture you a little grumpy, you're always so gentle and kind here!

OK time to put on my suit and head to the gym to swim away my anger at L. She said something today - what if with all this swimming you get skinny? After giving her a befuddled look because skinny is something I will never be, I said well then there won't be anywhere for the anger to live anymore.

As mad as I am at her right now we somehow got to some good stuff today. I was wrong to think maybe it is time for a break. We touched the very tip-top of the deeeeep seated fear iceberg that I can't let myself feel anger, I have to stuff it down, because if I let myself feel it and express it even in a healthy way the other person might think less of me or even worse it might take me over and then i could say extremely hurtful things to her and damage the relationship. and apparently i still after 9+ years don't trust the relationship enough to fully believe that we would work through it even if I did say horrible things and damage the relationship.

The pool is calling. Later couchies.

Oh artie, that be brilliant. If i clean my house, there wont be anyplace for the anger to live. Dang girl!

I hate being angry at L (or anyone) also. I've been practicing telling her when I'm mad at her. It's hard to even admit it. I also feel like it's going to break our relationship. But it doesn't. It actually makes us stronger. We've always been able to work through it. Usually it was because of a misunderstanding or hurt. We figure out our role in the "dance" and apologize to eachother when necessary. It doesn't mean that either of us were wrong, just that we take ownership of our part.

Now here's the worst scenario: L being mad at me! She says one day it might happen. And she wants me to know that we'll be okay even if it does. But she wants me to give her the space to feel whatever it is that she feels. I'm terrified of that day! I try so hard to be "good". I don't ever want to hurt her or make her angry. She says she knows, and it's okay if I do. We'll work through it like everything else, and we'll be stronger because of it. She says our relationship is not based upon feelings that come and go. But on our core values: honesty first, compassion, curiosity not criticism, understanding, and working as a team.

Sweetie, at least you can use an apostrophe. Unlike some people.

I hope not. I have saved the publicly available photos of mine. You know. Just in case they disappear.

She MAY use an apostrophe

I MIGHT regret i have but one asterisk for my country!

"NO STOONT LEFT BEHIND!"

I don't tend to use apostrophes because i am always on my ipad that extra click is just too much sometimes. Also i turned autocorrect off because it usually wanted to substitute stupid words

Thank you. Its more than just one extra click. Why cant they put it on the main frickin keyboard???? Do we REEEEEALLLLY need a giganto space bar, omg!!!!

Eta - my gmail will predict text for me. Im like, who is writing this, you or me??? Aye???

Eta - antibiotics must be kickin in!

Thanks for sharing that. Sounds very similar to the conversation I had with my L today, about how we'd work through it like everything else. We talked more too about how I hate feeling so dependent on her. And she was trying to help me reframe that, trying to help me see her instead as a companion on my journey, or something. I'm still angry with her but after swimming a bunch of laps not so much now.

Today is one of those days where i woke up at 6 am i havent reallt done much and its midday already. Where does time go sometimes. I

Can = to be able to.

Lemon is able to use an apostrophe.

That extra click burns a calorie.

Wait, you only have one a s s to risk?