[MoxieDoxie]

I never understood this until we started doing IFS/Parts work. It became clear to me this week that there has never been a time in my childhood I had a parent or guardian that would lay or sit next to me when hurt, sick or emotionally upset to comfort. This was foreign to me and this is what a child part craves from my therapist and is always grieving and sad between sessions because he is the only one that "holds space" for us. This I think is the root of my attachment to him. Of course he is trying to get me to do it for myself. Blech.

It has always been hard for me to watch scenes in TV shows where a child is comforted when sick or hurt. I never understood why it brought out despair feelings in me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's hard. I know those feelings. My child part craves nurturing from L too.

L and I have talked about how hard it will be for me if she ever becomes a mother. Most would assume I would be jealous that she gets to be a parent (I have infertility issues). But really, the jealousy will be that the child gets to be mothered by her.

L provides me with all she can and in many ways it's enough. And sometimes it's just not. For the things that are not enough, she holds that space with me. She grieves with me and allows things to be without trying to fix it or make it all better.

[zoiecat]

I too never received that kind of support from anyone while growing up. I had to learn how to act around people by watching tv shows. I would long to be part of the tv families. Now I know that those were not realistic either but still it was the only thing I had to go on. Luckily for me, even with DID no one wants support from anyone in real life. Two of my littlest ones do want attention and are usually sad or scared but my T has taught me how to take care of their needs. I basically treat them like I would my little siblings or my kids.
I hope things start coming around for you.

[Rive.]

That's good progress.

I still can't get my head around what it means (for T) to "hold space" (for me).

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Rive.

That's good progress.

I still can't get my head around what it means (for T) to "hold space" (for me).

He also said it is giving the person your "self energy". All I know what ever he is giving I am buying.

[zoiecat]

I have never understood holding space either.

[ScarletPimpernel]

So I asked L what "holding space" means. Here's what I wrote and here'd her response:

Also, what exactly does it mean to "hold space"? Does it mean similar to "come as you are"? To hold space means to allow all your multitudes to be present? To allow what ever is present or whatever comes up?

I think I mean something similar. So yes to all this. I’d add that It’s about allowing and making time for something—acknowledging it, paying attention to it, taking it into account in how you spend your time, considering it in decision making, taking actions that feel good or necessary to that feeling or fact, prioritizing it as a topic to talk about or explore….
For example, if I say “I hope someone has the space they need for their grief” I mean that I hope the structure of their schedule and the actions/messages/energy of the people around them are supportive of the feeling or facts of grief—not ignoring, not trying to make the grief go away, not getting freaked out, are open to acknowledgements when acknowledgements feel good, attention if attention feels good, etc.

***This is an exact quote from L. I do not usually share direct things, but I felt this deserved to be shared to help us understand the therapist's perspective on what it means to "hold space".