Therapist holding space

Does anybody know what a therapist holding space for a client mean? 2 weeks ago during my appointment I felt very defensive and because we were discussing some frustrations with my husband, I felt lije she was takinf my husbands side. I actually thought od say "hey you are supposed to be on my side.l" but was able to realize it was mot about sides. The inly other time I felt this way with her is when she was using CBT on a day thay I was a emotional wreck because my child had something life changing happen..

So after the appointment I sent her an email askinf if ahe was utilizing CBT because the only time I had ever been that frustrated was when she had used CBT. Also that I had wanted to mention feeling like he was on hubby's side vs mine but knew better. I was trying to figure out my reaction because it not how I normally am.

She didn't respond which was really ok. She doesn't always so I didnt think anything of it. Fast forward to this weeks appointmentt. She looked different at the beginning of the appointment. We both said hi and asked how the other was doing. Then she said she did not reply to my text. I told her I knew that but it was really okay. She then told me she could not hold that space for me. She felt bad for not responding. Again I told her not to because I knew this might have been too much for texting or even a quick phone check in and that really I was trying to process my reaction. She repeated that I was teying
fixyre my reaction. We then talked about how she was not using CBT and what her intent was. She cold also understand why it could have made me feel defensive given all the stress that is happening in my life. The rest of the session went as normal.

Afterwards I was curious about her reaction and relized in the text I never actually said I was trying to figure out my reaction so I could understand her misinterpreting my message. However, I still dont understand what she meant by being unable to hold that space for me. We are both on vacation next week so there will not be an appointment. I almost texted her apologizing for my part in the misinterpretation but decided to let it go until our next appointment.

Does anybody know what her statement about holding space meant?

Maybe this thread can help?
Holding Space

only your therapist knows what she meant when she said she couldnt hold that space. maybe you can ask her.

based on your post and the context that you posted it in to me it says she couldnt find time to write an email back to you.

in my own therapy sessions theres two meanings for holding space...

the first one is about scheduling time... when my therapist is very busy and I need her time and attention she may text back to me something like "call you at such and such time" or "sorry cant hold any space in my schedule for you right now call office and schedule an appointment for later this week"

The second meaning is taking a break from therapy or taking a break, time to take a deep breath , close eyes do a calming breathing exercise so that I can think more clearly.

in various therapies holding space means different things.

my suggestion is ask your therapist what she meant. its ok to ask when they use therapy terms you are not familiar with.

I meed to ask her at our next appointment. Based on the informaton in the post it means she could not pay attentiom to it, deal with it or make it a priority. I guess it could mean she could not do those things between session if she thought I was angry with her. However, we have had a couple of sessions where we I did get upset with how she handled things. She wanted to deal with it immediately and not wait. Who knows mmaybe there were things going on in her personal life last week.

Even if there were things that were going on in her personal life, it's the therapist's job to to not let that affect the client or their therapy. She didn't need to say she can't hold space for you. That implies that you're affecting her. It's her responsibility, not yours.

Sometimes I wish they just spoke normally. Like are you saying you didn’t have time to reply to my email? That you didn’t think you could answer a question like that outside of therapy? Are you saying you’re sorry about the initial disconnect, sorry you couldn’t just listen to my feelings?

“Holding space” is an irritating expression to me. Generally people are talking about time, not space, and conflating dimensions, even in metaphor, is best left to physicists and Madeleine L’Engle and no one else should attempt it. You know?

Sometimes my therapist would say very jargon-y things and I’d feel like she was trying not to hurt my feelings. As though if she talked like a normal person it would be too blunt or something? It always gave me the feeling that either she was thinking something too terrible to say or that she was trying to enhance her mystique, like conveying basic ideas in ordinary language is something any a-hole can do so she wanted to up her cred.

Wow. That’s a very cranky reply. I’m sorry, I suspect that’s more about me than you!😂

So last night I brought the subject up at my appointment. I told her I realized why she would have misunderstood my text and apologized. She told me I did not need to and she had left the last appointment understanding my intentions. I asked what she thought I meant by the text (not expecting her to be completely open). She was though.

She was open about what lead to her handling the situation the way she did. Most of which entailed her interpretation of what I meant and how it affected her as well as what was going on when she received the text which she believes led to her handling of the situation. She reassured me that none of it was my fault and then the texting boundaries and her reponse were totally her responsibility. We also talked about how she is human and, therefore, messes up sometimes.

I know some may not agree with how she handled the conversation. Had I never asked what she thought I meant, I KNOW she would have never have talked about her reactions. However, since I asked, she believes in being transparent. Honesty is also important to me so she not at least said something, it would have not been beneficial to out working relationship.

The last time I heard that phrase, it was a few months ago, shortly after Info’s husband died suddenly, and I had some grief of my own I wanted to talk about and I told her that, since she was doing her own grieving. Her response was “I think I can hold that space for you.”

I took it to mean that she could keep her private feelings separate from her client’s issue even though there were obvious overlaps, that my talking about grief would not trigger her or affect her as a therapist.

I am glad you were able to discuss it.

During appointments we have never bad issues with her being unable to hold the space for me.

She could have told me at the next appointment she was unable to respond at the time amd I would have been completely okay nor would it have been a surprise. Her degree of honesty and openess of her own vulnerability was somewhat a surprise. She is always honest and transparentnut not like this.

I hate when therapists use CBT when the client is already clearly distressed. I had this happen to me the week before Thanksgiving 2020. She was just pushing me so hard I finally got angry. She admitted that she was pushing and then I didn’t email her for a week and then I told her that she was doing too much so she backed down.

But I feel like CBT isn’t good when someone is struggling.