Couch 231: Live Long and Prosper!

ArtieTheSequal · 11:39 PM

So I posted this earlier then deleted it I don't know why. So here it is again, with current feels. I'm not exactly sure how it happened today, but L and I together decided it was time to take a break for a couple of months.

I was glad at first that she said "this isn't goodbye" but now that it's replaying in my head I've got those annoying negative introjects or whatever trying to tell me that I've been summarily dismissed because she wants rid of me, and that it was, indeed, goodbye. Why do our brains do this to us? I knew it was time for a break again because I really had nothing to talk about today (because the dr appt this morning was very reassuring), I sat there feeling "why am I back here already so soon?" at first, and after we started talking about it and we both arrived at that conclusion in almost the same breath, that solidified it. So why am I sitting here tonight feeling cut adrift, dismissed, tossed to the wind?! Like I'm in some kind of alternate universe?!

Now that I've been thinking about it for awhile I guess it's because in the past when we've taken breaks, it's always been at my insistence and her saying okay rather than both of us bringing it up at the same time - maybe it's bugging me a little to know that she was thinking about it too. I dunno. I will probably be writing about this a lot over the next few days. Sorry in advance if I get boring.

NP_Complete · 12:45 PM

I need to say something and if anyone wants to judge me about this, that's okay.

Possible trigger:

When I was 19, I got pregnant with my ex. The same guy I eventually married and divorced. I was in college at the time and was not really emotionally mature enough to be a parent. He basically told me I could do whatever I wanted to do, but if I chose to have a baby, he wasn't going to have anything to do with it (he gaslighted me about this until the end, saying he never said that). It was a really rough time in my life. My parents kind of decided for me that I should have an abortion and I just kind of went along with it knowing that my life would be upended and I would have no support from the father. However, actually having it was proving to be an issue. I went to two clinics on two separate occasions and left both times without having the procedure done. Once because I was so upset they wouldn't do it and the other because I still wasn't ready and they shamed me about my weight so I basically snuck out the back door. Finally, my parents put me on a plane to Texas, where my aunt and uncle lived, to a clinic that used sedation for the procedure and the deed was done. Because of all these delays, I was most definitely at or possibly a little beyond the time limit for getting the procedure.

Why am I telling you this? This whole thing with Texas and the 6-week "heartbeat" law is triggering the hell out of me. This whole time in my life is an emotional mine field. I had no support after the fact. Nobody ever asked if I was okay or how I was handling any of this. Everyone was just glad I did it. Who cares how I was feeling about it. I got really depressed afterwards. My ex got another girl pregnant within a year of this happening and he told me it was on purpose which led to a lot of insecurity that I wasn't good enough. I didn't know it at the time, but this was my one shot at motherhood. My therapist is the only person I've shared any of this with. Sometimes I feel self-conscious bringing the same thing up over and over with him. I just felt like I needed to share this right now, even if some of you think less of me for what I've done.

Lemoncake · 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I need to say something and if anyone wants to judge me about this, that's okay.

Possible trigger:

When I was 19, I got pregnant with my ex. The same guy I eventually married and divorced. I was in college at the time and was not really emotionally mature enough to be a parent. He basically told me I could do whatever I wanted to do, but if I chose to have a baby, he wasn't going to have anything to do with it (he gaslighted me about this until the end, saying he never said that). It was a really rough time in my life. My parents kind of decided for me that I should have an abortion and I just kind of went along with it knowing that my life would be upended and I would have no support from the father. However, actually having it was proving to be an issue. I went to two clinics on two separate occasions and left both times without having the procedure done. Once because I was so upset they wouldn't do it and the other because I still wasn't ready and they shamed me about my weight so I basically snuck out the back door. Finally, my parents put me on a plane to Texas, where my aunt and uncle lived, to a clinic that used sedation for the procedure and the deed was done. Because of all these delays, I was most definitely at or possibly a little beyond the time limit for getting the procedure.

Why am I telling you this? This whole thing with Texas and the 6-week "heartbeat" law is triggering the hell out of me. This whole time in my life is an emotional mine field. I had no support after the fact. Nobody ever asked if I was okay or how I was handling any of this. Everyone was just glad I did it. Who cares how I was feeling about it. I got really depressed afterwards. My ex got another girl pregnant within a year of this happening and he told me it was on purpose which led to a lot of insecurity that I wasn't good enough. I didn't know it at the time, but this was my one shot at motherhood. My therapist is the only person I've shared any of this with. Sometimes I feel self-conscious bringing the same thing up over and over with him. I just felt like I needed to share this right now, even if some of you think less of me for what I've done.

I honestly don't think any less of you NP and I'm not just saying that. You were 19 and deserved better support and care.

It's okay to keep bringing it up in therapy.

Lemoncake · Sep 04, 2021, 02:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

So I posted this earlier then deleted it I don't know why. So here it is again, with current feels. I'm not exactly sure how it happened today, but L and I together decided it was time to take a break for a couple of months.

I was glad at first that she said "this isn't goodbye" but now that it's replaying in my head I've got those annoying negative introjects or whatever trying to tell me that I've been summarily dismissed because she wants rid of me, and that it was, indeed, goodbye. Why do our brains do this to us? I knew it was time for a break again because I really had nothing to talk about today (because the dr appt this morning was very reassuring), I sat there feeling "why am I back here already so soon?" at first, and after we started talking about it and we both arrived at that conclusion in almost the same breath, that solidified it. So why am I sitting here tonight feeling cut adrift, dismissed, tossed to the wind?! Like I'm in some kind of alternate universe?!

Now that I've been thinking about it for awhile I guess it's because in the past when we've taken breaks, it's always been at my insistence and her saying okay rather than both of us bringing it up at the same time - maybe it's bugging me a little to know that she was thinking about it too. I dunno. I will probably be writing about this a lot over the next few days. Sorry in advance if I get boring.

You don't need to apologize for writing and you're not boring.

Maybe see it as her picking up on your vibes and knowing you're ready to swim on your own without floats. It's okay to still feel a drift whilst agreeing.

Quietmind 2 · 12:31 PM

[QUOTE=NP_Complete;7118481]I need to say something and if anyone wants to judge me about this, that's okay.

Possible trigger:

When I was 19, I got pregnant with my ex. The same guy I eventually married and divorced. I was in college at the time and was not really emotionally mature enough to be a parent. He basically told me I could do whatever I wanted to do, but if I chose to have a baby, he wasn't going to have anything to do with it (he gaslighted me about this until the end, saying he never said that). It was a really rough time in my life. My parents kind of decided for me that I should have an abortion and I just kind of went along with it knowing that my life would be upended and I would have no support from the father. However, actually having it was proving to be an issue. I went to two clinics on two separate occasions and left both times without having the procedure done. Once because I was so upset they wouldn't do it and the other because I still wasn't ready and they shamed me about my weight so I basically snuck out the back door. Finally, my parents put me on a plane to Texas, where my aunt and uncle lived, to a clinic that used sedation for the procedure and the deed was done. Because of all these delays, I was most definitely at or possibly a little beyond the time limit for getting the procedure

Why am I telling you this? This whole thing with Texas and the 6-week "heartbeat" law is triggering the hell out of me. This whole time in my life is an emotional mine field. I had no support after the fact. Nobody ever asked if I was okay or how I was handling any of this. Everyone was just glad I did it. Who cares how I was feeling about it. I got really depressed afterwards. My ex got another girl pregnant within a year of this happening and he told me it was on purpose which led to a lot of insecurity that I wasn't good enough. I didn't know it at the time, but this was my one shot at motherhood. My therapist is the only person I've shared any of this with. Sometimes I feel self-conscious bringing the same thing up over and over with him. I just felt like I needed to share this right now, even if some of you think less of me for what I've done.

I don't judge you. I find the Texas thing triggering too at least partly because of my Dad and brothers who think they get the right to choose for me.

MobiusPsyche · Sep 04, 2021, 08:10 AM

I'm sorry that your family were not more supportive and understanding, NP. That is a big thing to go through for any woman, let alone one so young. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm absolutely

confident you made the right decision for you at that time. You should never blame yourself or think your subsequent lack of fertility is a punishment or anything of the sort.

My sister went through the same thing as a teenager except she lost fertility and was in the hospital for a week due to a botched abortion she had obtained without telling my parents at age 16. She was able to eventually conceive and carry one baby to term, but I don't know how much she went through along the way (I was too young).

The Texas law angers a lot us. Thank you again for sharing your story.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 04, 2021, 09:41 AM

No judgement here either NP. My heart goes out to you that you didn't get the support and understanding that you needed at the time. When I was in college, my best friend at the time went through something a little similar and it broke my heart that I wasn't able to be there for her through it. Her parents insisted on handling it strictly within the family and she was allowed no contact with anyone else through that time. Sending gentle hugs if wanted.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 04, 2021, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

You don't need to apologize for writing and you're not boring.

Maybe see it as her picking up on your vibes and knowing you're ready to swim on your own without floats. It's okay to still feel a drift whilst agreeing.

Thanks Lemoncake. I'm not nearly as sad this morning as I was last night. It's a different kind of sad anyway, not the old desperate-for-her-sad I used to feel in the past, thankfully, and I didn't cry. That was something relatively new yesterday, telling her I felt sad without crying, because normally I am such a crier at anything emotional like that. It was okay to just sit with being sad. How interesting.

WarmFuzzySocks · Sep 04, 2021, 03:39 PM

Just played ding-dong-ditch (which my autocorrect wants to rename ding-ding-Dutch

) at my lovely friend's house, dropping off a covid care package. Actually I waved and talked through the window, but the smoke is back in the air, so even 3 minutes of "stick the soup in the fridge, heat the scones at 350" kind of convo made my throat and eyes hurt.

This 2020 redux is messing with my motivation. The smoke gives me a headache, I can't go outside to recharge, and even as homebody-ish as I am I am tired of working from home. I have been sitting staring at the personal statement page for my final project for 20 minutes. I just want to sleep. Not sure whether I need a hug, a stern talking to, or someone to remind me I can do this.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 04, 2021, 05:41 PM

I was looking for something else just now and I came across one of those empty, lined books for journaling or whatever that one of my friends gave me for my birthday a couple years ago. It's a paperback and it says "She believed she could so she did" on the cover. I think that's quite fitting to use as a journal for this current therapy break - I've been pondering on this break all day today and more and more I keep thinking it is practice for ending with L. Just, some of the things she said yesterday, hearing them again in my head, makes me feel that way. We're coming up on 10 years in a couple of months. It's like, maybe she feels that as a deadline or something? Usually it's me pushing and trying to quit but I feel like yesterday was very much a gentle nudge from her toward the edge of the nest, y'know? More will be revealed I'm sure as I begin writing in this journal.

atisketatasket · Sep 04, 2021, 06:06 PM

So as not to derail the other thread:

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I am beginning to see that i would not make a very good t. "Oh your just butt-hurt. Go away kid, you bother me!" Its the WC Fields school of psychology and parenting. Woulda been better if i had imprinted on some geese like in that movie.

I think you and sd need to go in the therapist business together.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 04, 2021, 07:23 PM

We just went grocery shopping and I have to say I am proud of h. He chose whole-grain rolls and 98% lean ground beef for hamburgers this week, diet soda, and completely by-passed the ice cream isle. It's a start, anyway, on the changes he needs to make, and I'll take it.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 04, 2021, 08:25 PM

NP, I just wanted to say that I also don't judge you at all and hate that you were in that position. And I could have easily ended up there myself, having messed up with birth control a few times in college (such as forgetting to take the pill a few times with my boyfriend when it was the only form of protection we were using).

I'm horrified about the decision in Texas (and the Supreme Court opting to not stop it when they could have--which scares me about what they'll do in the near future). I'm going to leave out any other political comments so my post doesn't get deleted...

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 04, 2021, 09:49 PM

I met a big ol' tarantula on my walk a little bit ago, he was just sitting there (standing there? Do spiders sit?) right in the middle of the trail. I walked around him watching him the whole time and he never moved. I looked up Tarantula symbolism and found this: "Spiritual meaning of seeing a tarantula says that you should create some space for yourself. It also encourages you to use your sensitivity and intuitions to serve the real purpose of your life." I feel like this pretty clearly speaks to my current break from L. Maybe I can stop blathering on about it now....

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 04, 2021, 10:03 PM

...but probably not.

WarmFuzzySocks · Sep 05, 2021, 12:22 AM

Not long after I posted my whine, I looked out the window and it was getting kind of breezy. The smoke cleared, so I went outside and picked tomatoes. Total attitude change. I promised myself a walk if I got something on the page, so I came back inside and actually finished the darn thing. I went for a walk, picked apples, started laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and was motivated to get going on the next section. The sun and fresh air make so much difference.

Still not sure I will make it through this last semester, but I'm more motivated to try. (I mean, I know I will finish, I would never DARE to be Not Competent--horrors. But I don't feel so panicked and over/underwhelmed about it, I guess.) Whew. I actually feel a little like my cheery self again.

WarmFuzzySocks · Sep 05, 2021, 12:24 AM

Art, blathering is one of the activities the Couch is for.

Especially about things like spiders or therapists.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 05, 2021, 06:57 AM

See, if I'd seen a tarantula, I wouldn't have stood there and pondered the symbolism (which does sound interesting). I'd have screamed and run in the other direction and not stopped running for a long time.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 05, 2021, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

See, if I'd seen a tarantula, I wouldn't have stood there and pondered the symbolism (which does sound interesting). I'd have screamed and run in the other direction and not stopped running for a long time.

welllll to be honest, I didn't start pondering the symbolism until I had walked well past the creature!

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 05, 2021, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

Art, blathering is one of the activities the Couch is for.

Especially about things like spiders or therapists.

Thank you, WFS. Especially because this morning, I'm back to feeling like L is punishing me for something and I don't know what I did wrong. Which is stupid because taking a break was just as much my idea as it was hers. It really has to be the watching her erase me from her book - that did a real number on my head and made me feel like she was erasing me not just my appointments. I've felt like crying about it since I woke up this morning. I've never reacted this way to breaks before and we've taken many over the years. I almost want to call her to make sure we're okay. Whatever okay means. I feel like she's mad at me! Ugh this is infuriating.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 05, 2021, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

Not long after I posted my whine, I looked out the window and it was getting kind of breezy. The smoke cleared, so I went outside and picked tomatoes. Total attitude change. I promised myself a walk if I got something on the page, so I came back inside and actually finished the darn thing. I went for a walk, picked apples, started laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and was motivated to get going on the next section. The sun and fresh air make so much difference.

Still not sure I will make it through this last semester, but I'm more motivated to try. (I mean, I know I will finish, I would never DARE to be Not Competent--horrors. But I don't feel so panicked and over/underwhelmed about it, I guess.) Whew. I actually feel a little like my cheery self again.

I'm glad you had a nice walk and that the sun and fresh air made such a difference! You have motivated me to go for a walk on my first break this morning instead of waiting until the evening. Maybe the sun will cheer me up!

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 05, 2021, 08:25 AM

I just found out that my Aunt's sister (not vaccinated) is hospitalized with COVID. My Aunt is just beside herself with worry. I so hate this virus and... well I'll just leave it at that.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 05, 2021, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

Thank you, WFS. Especially because this morning, I'm back to feeling like L is punishing me for something and I don't know what I did wrong. Which is stupid because taking a break was just as much my idea as it was hers. It really has to be the watching her erase me from her book - that did a real number on my head and made me feel like she was erasing me not just my appointments. I've felt like crying about it since I woke up this morning. I've never reacted this way to breaks before and we've taken many over the years. I almost want to call her to make sure we're okay. Whatever okay means. I feel like she's mad at me! Ugh this is infuriating.

I would have been really bothered by seeing her erase me from the book as well. It seems like something she should have just done later? And it's not stupid to be upset about it.

I also think the fact that she seemed to agree to the break so easily is part of why you're upset. I mean, I was upset at one point pre-pandemic when I mentioned to Dr. T about potentially reducing from twice to once a week (haha, that's funny to me now), and he was just sort of like, "If you want to do that, sure" or "It's up to you." I sent him a panicked email after that session, saying I wasn't ready to reduce, to forget that I'd said that, and he said it was fine.

Now, he's really careful about it. Like 6 months ago, when I mentioned wanting to go back to twice a week, he talked about different ways we could do that gradually to make it easier for me. When I mentioned a couple weeks ago how maybe I should try to go to 2 sessions by the end of September, he said, "Maybe we should wait to see how D adapts to being back in school." And it helped to hear that (even though I know some people might see that as his possibly trying to keep me at this frequency, but I know what he meant).

Do you think it might help you to talk to L about this more, whether in a session or a shorter phone call? It just seems like you came to the decision quickly, mid-session. Where maybe you could have given it another week or so to think about it. Or decided to take next week off with the plan to come in the week after (which you could always opt to cancel if you feel you don't want/need it).

ETA: Sorry about your aunt's sister.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 05, 2021, 08:51 AM

Artie, also, I just read your Dear T, where you said she'd be raising your rate when you come back. Do you think that could be part of your distress right now, too?

Because Dr. T raising my rate back to its usual somewhat-reduced level from the pandemic more-reduced level earlier this year was distressing to me. As it made me feel like more of a dollar sign to him than a client he cared about. Even though I know that's not the case and he has to make a living (and we'd agreed on the price increase after multiple extensions).

So just wondering if the money aspect is playing a role along with the erasing?

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 05, 2021, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I would have been really bothered by seeing her erase me from the book as well. It seems like something she should have just done later? And it's not stupid to be upset about it.

I also think the fact that she seemed to agree to the break so easily is part of why you're upset. I mean, I was upset at one point pre-pandemic when I mentioned to Dr. T about potentially reducing from twice to once a week (haha, that's funny to me now), and he was just sort of like, "If you want to do that, sure" or "It's up to you." I sent him a panicked email after that session, saying I wasn't ready to reduce, to forget that I'd said that, and he said it was fine.

Now, he's really careful about it. Like 6 months ago, when I mentioned wanting to go back to twice a week, he talked about different ways we could do that gradually to make it easier for me. When I mentioned a couple weeks ago how maybe I should try to go to 2 sessions by the end of September, he said, "Maybe we should wait to see how D adapts to being back in school." And it helped to hear that (even though I know some people might see that as his possibly trying to keep me at this frequency, but I know what he meant).

Do you think it might help you to talk to L about this more, whether in a session or a shorter phone call? It just seems like you came to the decision quickly, mid-session. Where maybe you could have given it another week or so to think about it. Or decided to take next week off with the plan to come in the week after (which you could always opt to cancel if you feel you don't want/need it).

ETA: Sorry about your aunt's sister.

Thank you LT.

And you're right, the decision was made pretty quickly - to be honest, I didn't even see what time it was when I left, so I don't even know if we had a full session or not!! It was so odd. I remember we'd talked about my h a little and then about a dream and i noticed when it was 1:40pm (I always seem to look at the clock at that time), but then we started talking about taking a break and she erased me and I paid and I left and I had no awareness of what time it was. Like I have whiplash or something, you know? Maybe I could call her tomorrow. I'm just afraid that if she is mad at me then I will make everything worse by bothering her.

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