Couch 231: Live Long and Prosper!

Their AMI is based on current income, not the income for the period you were struggling. I'm trying to fight it.

You know, H could go get himself fired, file for unemployment, and then we would qualify. So dumb.

Ah, the good old TA stipend. I think I was making about 18K per year and that combined with the ~5K I got for student loans per semester, I felt like I was living large. It would have been a lot easier if my a-hole partner would have gotten a job to help me out while I was in school trying to improve our long-term earning potential. I improved it. Now what? I have no one to share it with. Money makes life easier, but it sure doesn't make you happy. Just ignore me, I feel like biotching, and I've had a few drinks tonight.

Good luck!

Here, in case anybody wants to laugh at me geeking out:

I just found out King Ethelred the Unready’s name is a pun in Old English. Ethelred means well-advised, and unready doesn’t mean what it does today but badly advised. So he got his nickname because he didn’t live up to his name.

Is that neat or what?

Orthopedist is sending me for an MRI of my neck, as he said my range of motion seemed rather limited. He asked about past accidents, and I said there was a car accident when I was 20, but that was ages ago. He said it's possible that some sort of damage from that combined with aging (whee!) could be causing issues now.

Because I have some claustrophobia issues, he prescribed me a valium to take an hour before it (with someone driving me to/from). The MRI place I called said I have to arrive there an hour early for them to witness me taking the valium. Is that normal? Why would they need to do that? It's just annoying because it means my H will have to miss more work meetings, plus then I'll need to be sitting in the parking lot or waiting room for an hour (she did say I wouldn't have to stay in waiting room, which I'd prefer because even though I'd be wearing a mask, that place tends to be pretty packed in--been there for mammograms and pelvic ultrasounds before, and since Covid, you normally wait in your car there till they're ready for you to check in).

So is this normal protocol for them to watch me take the valium? Or do I try one of the other centers on my list?

I answered you in a PM because I didn't know how appropriate it was to discuss here. I know why I want to keep one available. I'm just not ready to give it up. I tried and the next day bought another replacement.

Hi guys. boy IOP was INTENSE yesterday. The leader S is tough but she is cool. I like her but boy is she tough. There's like this 15 minute rule that if you come 15 minutes late you can't join the class. On Friday someone was a few minutes past that and she didn't let them in. And then last night someone was 14 minutes late and she let them in but she let them know it was not cool to be late. The topic was on shame and resilience. It was super intense. I learned a lot though. And we watched part of a video by Brene Brown. Not sure if that is how you spell her name. I have heard of her but I have never actually seen any of her videos. Tough stuff. I get a reprieve tonight, though I have religious class tonight and religious class tomorrow and then back to IOP Thursday and Friday. I am writing notes down in a notebook as I watch the videos and answer the questions and then I am transferring them (so they make more sense) to another notebook so I can have that after IOP is over. I'm learning a lot but yesterday made me feel really bad about myself because I don't understand emotions very well in myself which means I don't understand them in others which makes it harder for me to be empathetic. Like I care about what others are going through but I have trouble putting myself in their shoes. I find myself at a loss of words to say when someone around me is upset. I'll just say that I'm listening. Or that I'm here. Or I'll hug them or something. Then S was like, Kit that IS being empathetic! Oh.

That does seem like overkill on their part, to want to observe you taking the valium... especially if they weren't the ones to prescribe it, then what business is it of theirs anyway?

I guess there is probably some remote 0.0001% chance of something happening that they could justify this?

Your choice as to whether to comply or go somewhere else. Finding another place is a hassle, and who's to say they won't have the same requirement?

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I have NO IDEA how I feel today. I think I must be overwhelmed from IOP but I'm not sure overwhelmed is a feeling. I need that feelings wheel that S has.

Thanks, Mobius. I have another (locally owned) place that's confirming with my insurance and will call me back to set something up. So canceling with the other one for now--figure I can always call back and reschedule without mentioning the valium (unless they put it in my chart), if the second place doesn't work out. I would have just left the other appointment on the books, but if they were also checking with my insurance, didn't want to have a potential issue.

My H said that maybe they would want to know what I was on if I showed up stoned, but my one past experience with valium (and a couple times I've taken xanax) is it just made me a bit calmer, not like unable to walk or talk or something.

Session with L in an hour. I'm feeling sad and heartbroken because Friday is my first session I'm missing to start reducing. I know I'm not losing her completely, and I feel like I am. I crocheted her a blanket that I was going to give her between her birthday and Christmas, but I want to give it to her now. She said she's going to give me a poem/blessing she wrote using the words I describe for the meaning of lighting the candle. We will both read the words when we light our candles on Fridays.

I hope I can cry this all out today. I need the release so badly.

HUGS Scarlet, I hope the appointment goes well and I hope you can get the release that you need. I'm so sorry you have to reduce. HUGS Kit

Hey slumber - i was just looking up long term effects of shaming (in child raising) (for myself - that was my parents only technique, seriously - the rest of the time they were laissez-faire, but when they put their parenting hats on, almost literally, it was to shame) - anyway one of the long term effects was lack of empathy. I dont quite remember the connection, but i think it had to do with lack of connection - ie because shaming is so isolating, so it displaces connection and subsequently empathy. I am surprised shame has affected me so much. But i only ever tried to reject it, to push it away - not really deal with it. Now the chickens have come home to roost.

Kit, I wonder if you have prosopagnosia or a form of it which could cause the problems with emotions and empathy?

Hugs. I hope it goes well, Scarlet, and she likes the blanket. I like the idea of her giving you the poem/blessing that you'll both read when you light candles. Are you going down to one session a week every week starting this week, or are you just going to skip some Fridays?

I wouldn't be surprised. I have a hard time recognizing people, even family members. I once went up to a man at a bookstore that I thought was my Dad and started talking to him. Only when he looked confused did I realize it wasn't my Dad and that my Dad was somewhere else in the store. I can't recognize people out of context. Like if you are from my Church and I see you at Target.....I don't recognize you. If you are from work, and I see you at the grocery store, I don't recognize you. It's not fun.


I think S. the group leader was trying to get me to see that I am empathetic by saying that I'm here or that I'm listening or by giving a hug even if I am baffled by the person's emotions, or their lack of emotions as it is sometimes. I just have such trouble recognizing of someone is upset because they are mad, or upset because they are sad, or upset because of some other reason. Like I get that they are upset....but that's about it.


So much to learn in IOP.

Exactly, Una. Shame has to do with a lack of connection. And connection is what is the anecdote to shame. So when the connection is severed by shame and connection isn't made elsewhere the shame spirals. At least that is what I got out of the IOP. I'm sorry your parents really sucked at raising you Una. HUGS Kit

I am at the yurt. In some ways it is lovely, but I have this feeling that I am waiting for myself to arrive. I had a longing to be here, to unfurl, to create, and to become aware, but instead I feel absent and stuck. I wonder if my heart has died. I don't belong and I yearn for connection. Or maybe I just need to get a grip and get over myself. How do you know when you are pointlessly navel gazing? It can go on forever.

The yurt looks wonderful comrade.


Maybe don't force it. You'll get there and be able to do the things you want to do. But if you stuck right now don't force trying to be there and be creative and be aware. And you did connect with us here on the couch. That's a connection. HUGS Kit

Thank you, Kit, this was nice to read. I feel pressure to get it right whilst I am here, to be aware, to use the time well. It is only serving to paralyse me. And you are right about me connecting here with you bunch of retrobates. I easily overlook the ways in which I can connect, but I would do well to hold them in mind, no matter how strange and small they are. I hope you know for yourself that you connect here with us too.

And as if by magic, the woman who owns the land where the yurt is built has just delivered some homemade apple crumble, made from the apples on their trees! Maybe I have finally found my mother after all!!

That IS magical! And delightful! And it looks yummy! Enjoy comrade!

I have always wanted to keep chickens but I am afraid the dogs and cats might not see them as our friends but as snacks

That sounds really nice! And the yurt looks lovely and peaceful. Maybe the apple crisp will help get you in the mindset you want to be in. But I agree with Kit that you shouldn't force it or feel like you have to do anything in particular.

I have an appointment with the IOP pdoc in about an hour. I hope he doesn't try to change my medications or anything. I hope it's just a "we want to make sure you are seen by a provider" type of thing. I hope he's not one of these "let's change everything you are on" sorts of people (although I have prescriptions for three months from my other doctor so I suppose I could just not take his advice.) I think it's a him. We'll find out. I'm weirdly nervous.