Today in my session, we talked about how I push people away who care about me. I'm so afraid to be loved, I wont let ppl give me anything, support, money, love.. nothing. It was so true; I wanted to cry. Its so hard knowing how much you keep love away.

[krazibean]

funny, in my session we talked about how much i wanted and craved love but i don't get what i need/want. especially from T because she can't If only i could have the love you don't want and you could have the life with no love hah, just kidding you don't want that, i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Kiya]

(((((((es))))))))))))

[Christina86]

((((((((((ev)))))))))))))))

Letting people in his hard work. Be easy on yourself... when we have childhoods or experiences that arent the greatest, sometimes we learn its easier to stay distant from people becuase it means less hurt and dependence. (As I see it, forgive me if I'm off-base)

hope your next session goes well, and that you get to explore this further.

[Mouse_]

(((EV))) I think I'm only just beginning to see that its that I am afraid of people loving me. My session I posted about on Monday where I was talking about becoming friendly wiht a woman at work and its nice, and how I'm trying to keep a middle ground with this friendship and how I dont fall apart when we dont get to see each other. Then when T said that I must also feel disappointed at times we dont get to see each other, well I nearly hit the roof, I felt she was hacking away at my defence I have built up all my life to protect me from feeling any kind of loss or disappointment around getting close to people. Its like I am not ready yet to FEEL the connections with people. Intellectually I know its that I'm afraid, but on Monday I think something shifted and I am emotionally experiencing the fear I feel regarding relating to anyone human. this is scary stuff and will only be taken at your own pace, its painful as the defence starts to break down, infact it was for me as fearful as being told that a plane oen is flying in is just about to crash, thats how afraid I felt on Monday.

[chaotic13]

EV,
I again can relate to what you are saying. I was asked the simple question this week, 'Who was the person you would run too when hurt, who took care of your scrapped knee as a child?' I struggled to answer this question mainly because I would have taken care of this myself.

I really felt like crap later because my mother would have loved for me to have run to her in times of need. She was always there, but I typically refused her help.

What made this question worse was, after I dismissed her presence in my life yet again, I realized that would have been her birthday that day. She is dead and I am still pushing her away.

This was another week when I simply say again.. "I'm an *****".

mckell,

Im sure there was a reason why your mother didnt feel safe to seek for comfort. I hope you can accept yourself and how you responded in your situation. *hugs*

Thank you all for your posts. I'm re-reading what I wrote and gosh it sounds strong.. I think my problem is not so much that I hate those who try to love me, but I push them away. I have a hard time believing someone will be there for me if I trust them. My mom had that same kind of "trust me-- I love you--but I'm not going to be there for you when you do" type of nature. So people who try to open me up when I dont trust them get on my bad side.

[chaotic13]

EV Thanks.. but no...my mother was not the problem- that I am really sure of. Not sure about what the underlying issue was at this point, but it wasn't her.

Not sure why I(maybe we) tend to deny the people closest to me the opportunity to care for me when I need it. It hurts both me and them. Doesn't make sense.

Christina86's comment may be part of it. I don't know.

[jacq10]

(((((((((Ev))))))))

I can SO relate to all that you described I'm sorry you're hurting so...

McKell- Your mother may not have been the problem, but there still was a reason why she wasnt safe to you that could have had to do with other situations, circumstances, fears, or hurts. Whatever the reason... that reason is important. Be gentle.

[chaotic13]

Thanks EV! I get what you are saying.

So in your session did you get any insight from your T as to why a person might not accept compassion from people closest to him/her?