Not my job too...

I aquaintence of mine said her therapist once told her when she asked him a personal question that it wasn't his job to satisfy her curisoity. Thats kinda of hung around with me since she said this. I mean what is curiosity? Is it kinda similar to gossip? Is it a way to escape our feelings??

From: The Princess Bride

Inigo Montoya: Who are you?
Westley: No one of consequence.
Inigo Montoya: I must know...
Westley: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo Montoya: 'kay.

I don't feel curiosity is related to gossip, it's how 2 year olds function, the reason they find their way around their world. Curiosity is necessary! If we weren't curious, we wouldn't wonder or try anything new, we'd just stick with what we knew, wouldn't combine things to get new things. It's how we learn! You have to care, which curiosity helps, in order to want something new. For me, it makes caring happen. I can't care about "you" if I don't wonder/am not curious about you for some reason. I have to be curious about what you think to ask you, "Hey, Mouse, what do you think?" and then, based on your answer, decide if you're like me or not or interesting enough for me to care about If you don't think, don't respond, it will be harder to care about you because you don't satisfy my curiosity about you enough for me to find out if you're safe and "like me" enough to engage fully with.

I dont feel curiosity is related to gossip either (sometimes). I think in the therapy setting, its often related to wanting to feel that someone who we open up to is open to us also. Like a way to bond or be close. We want to know something about the person who knows everything about us.

That strikes me as a very rude, hurtful thing to say. If my t. said that to me, I would be angry & hurt. I can understand choosing which questions you feel comfortable answering. But it most certainly is NOT a therapist's job to answer a question in a way that would make a person feel bad or ashamed for asking. I do not like that T

I don't know. Sounds to me like she may have prefaced her question with, "I'm just curious but. . ." or something like that so it sounded as if she didn't care that much, it wasn't something she was dying to know (as personal questions about our T sometimes are?) and she could take an answer or not. I think she might have been trying to hedge her bets? I could see a response of "I'm not here to satisfy your curiosity" from a T to hopefully get one to realize that therapy isn't just about curiosity, it's much more serious than that and you aren't allowed to sit on the fence in that way, hide behind mere curiosity but have to come closer? Curiosity is a tentative thing, when we're not sure, just kind of see something that might be interesting and want to check it out. We're drawn toward something but not committed to it. With therapy I'd think a therapist would want one to be committed.

I don't know the context of her question to him but he sounds like an azzhat.

I could be jumping the gun but it is his job to listen to her and perhaps whatever she is curious about is relevant to her therapy...

I agree his reply was kind of offensive, "it's not my job..." He could have been gentler and said, "although some therapists incorporate self-disclosure into therapy with their clients, I keep my personal life completely separate and believe we can do effective therapy without your knowing those things about me." To me, it sounds like she was trying to build the relationship with the T by asking him to share, and she was rudely rebuffed. Ouch!

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sunrise said:
"although some therapists incorporate self-disclosure into therapy with their clients, I keep my personal life completely separate and believe we can do effective therapy without your knowing those things about me."

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See - I would have been mortified by this response, even if it was given nicely. I would have felt like I'd crossed some line or been intrusive. Of course, this is one of the reasons I'm in therapy - I work too dang hard at not offending anyone. But still...

My T doesn't disclose very much. He usually wants to know why I want to know before he answers, and he won't pick up "hints" - you have to ask a direct question. But only once has he said, "I don't think it would be helpful for me to answer that right now. I think the real reason you are asking is X" -- and even that was very hard!

If I'd have heard, "I'm not here to satisfy your curiousity" I'd have left the therapy. But that's just me...

I was lucky and learned in group therapy, before I was in individual, that any single comment is just part of a whole, much larger relationship and conversation. It was helpful to me in individual therapy when my T let her actual feelings show.

I think asking about another person, usually with T's something "personal," can be triggering no matter how good a therapist you are, especially since they're taught and emphasize that therapy is for the client and it's the client's life that is being discussed. So, suddenly being asked a question about one's own life is going to be a bit jarring and I'd think they might be caught flat-footed and unprepared.

I once mentioned to my T that I thought of her by her first initial (instead of her whole name) and this upset her and she went into a tiny tirade about it being disrespectful, etc. It was horribly embarrassing to me, here I had a little, fond, "nickname" for her but she hadn't understood at that time and I'd caught her unaware and not explained well in my shy disclosure. From then on I was careful to refer to her by her whole name, even in my personal journal! Many many years later (like 15 or so :-) I was brave enough to bring it up again and at that time she too had grown as a therapist and apologized and showed understanding that it had been meant as a loving, "pet" name. But still, now probably 25 years later, I get anxious when I think of her other than by her name.