[Mouse_]

I told T I know i get defensive whenever the topic "missing" someone comes up. I told her i see missing someone as a weakness, also as something that is wrong also. T doesn talk a lot of the time, but I noticed this past session she was quite animated, HHmm perhaps I should say how i noticed that?. Anyways back to "missing you". T said that because my adoptive mother hadn't resolved her missing her mother, whom died when she was 5, she never allowed me to "miss" my birth mother, she wouldn't "see" it, T said I would imagine your adoptive mother saw you as very independent without needs? I said yes thats exactly how she described my infancy. I said to T that I know missing someone is a normal emotion, but I dont like it. I said when we have breaks I feel its a punishment. T said what about when you took a break and when to America? I said, Mmm, well I just thought you'd be glad to have a couple of sessions without me. I said I know I miss people, but I never feel they miss me. T said because your mother never allowed herself to miss you? This conversation has been hanging around since mondays session. I know I'm getting ready to ask T how missing people feels for her, and more importantly, how does she feel about me when we are on a break? I need it explained to me. I feel that theres a frozen bit inside of me. I told T that when I miss people it feels like depression, not pleasant. T said because your adoptive mother never helped you resolve your missing your birth mother so its still stuck there and feels like depression now because you would have had to turn it in on yourself. As I type this last line I feel this kinda of holding on going on inside of me, to afraid to turn it outward and feel the grief that will come with this emotion. But on Friday I will bring the topic up and I know I will get something nice and comforting from T around it.

[Perna]

Missing people for me now is sad but not depressing. I know I'll see them again if they're living so there's the happier anticipation of that too. People are more whole for me, instead of being 2-dimensional cutouts that can be moved around and are either "here" or "there". Memories and thoughts as a whole don't trigger as much intense feelings as they once did. I can think about people I haven't seen for a long time and the "old days" and friends and family who have died, etc. and access the good memories, thoughts, and feelings rather than just the sadness that they're gone.