I'm missing something

As an abuse survivor, I tend to isolate from others a lot. I take a long time to trust people and tend to keep even those I think I trust at arms length. This is a really lonely place to be. I've worked hard on my recovery, but it still feels a lot safer alone. I tried dating last year, but was really not willing to close any physical gap, even just to hold hands, after several dates. But I'm almost 38 now and I just don't want to be alone forever. Tonight I went out to dinner with someone I feel I would like to be closer too, but I sensed the feeling wasn't mutal -- and I was relieved it wasn't! Ugh, I should be dissappointed at least. Then I thought maybe I am sabatoging myself, sending out messages that I'm not really interested in a relationship, so my "date" pulls back. This is so confusing and it hurts. I want to live "normal". I don't want to be afraid any more. I don't want to feel better alone but feel so lonely when I am. And I want "them" (the ones who attacked me as a child) out of my head, so I don't see them in every face, see them in my mind, think about them whenever I'm just trying to live a regular life. I don't want them coming on my dates any more.

Thanks for listening.

m.

i know the lonely place. i dont want to be lonely forever either but it feels like i might have to be because i cant imagine anything else. please keep fighting it and you can come back and reassure me when you do get out of this and meet someone you can love.
good luck
biiv

There are special someones out there that help with the healing. When I met and started dating my husband when I was 35, he was willing to go slow, follow my lead, and be encouraging at the same time! He didn't want to make a mistake either. Sensing you can trust someone (and that they trust you!) makes a big difference in beginning to take risks. Do you have a T? It took 6-8 years before I began to really learn and understand how to go about relating to another without instantly closing up. I interviewed for a job with my husband's company and I credit what my T and I were working on at that time to my success in the interview. That was the start of getting "outside" myself. It can happen, keep trying.

I'm so sorry you have to struggle so hard... but maybe that's just it, you struggle for a normal life and maybe you are not ready for it? Maybe you need some healing first? There are a lot of maybe's in life.... I am still on the road to (recovery?) somewhere... I have been on this road for a while now. I have accepted the fact that I am different and that people will rarely understand me... I think normal is overrated anyway.... I am a bit more at peace with the world since I stopped trying to be like everyone else... because that is not who I am.

Therapy helped me a lot in the sense of changing my perspective on things... We cannot always change our circumstances or even our own reactions to them... but we can change the way we see it... I used to see all the little things as negative, but it does not always need to be that way...

As far as dating goes... that is a very tricky area and I generally tend to screw up my love life with out trying too much... I am unfortunately not one to really give advice on that, but I generally go by the rule that if I don't feel comfortable, I run.... But I know that sometimes we need to push our boundaries a little to find something special...

oh god, do i ever know that lonely place.... sometimes it feels like the parts of me that don't ache are simply hollow... i hope this gets better... it has to