Couch 232: Not Sully!

I was going to say the same--well, I don't use Instagram that much, but I know Facebook it's related to what posts you interact with (which could just be clicking "like"). Also, if it's a group, you can go into the options for the group and choose to be notified of "all posts" rather than just important or popular ones (I'd tell you where to find that, but Facebook keeps changing where things are!)

You can also choose a certain number of people and groups to classify as "important," and you'll see their posts first.

Nervous for my T appointment today. With Individual IOP T.


First, I wish she would just TELL ME if she is going to continue to see me after IOP or not. I feel like I am hanging by a thread. I really like her and I think I could learn a lot from her and heal with her but I don't like feeling strung along. If I lose her I will be really sad, crushed really, and I will be upset and will probably SH over it. She might know that which is probably why she is not telling me but it is really frustrating.

Second, I didn't really understand what she was talking about on Friday. About taking care of my own emotional needs. Heck, do I even know what my own emotional needs are? I feel truly lost.

Third, I don't know, we might discuss the shame I felt in showing her the SH scars. I thought we would discuss it on Friday and I probably would have brought it up but the conversation went a totally other way than I had anticipated. In her email she said she loved that I brought it up in email but she would like me to bring it up in session. So IDK if we are going to discuss it today or not. The shame isn't as unbearable as it was on Friday. So now it seems moot. It might still be profitable to be brought up though.


HUGS to anyone who wants, Kit

Individual IOP T said she isn't going to continue to see me after IOP because of the hallucinations, the self harm, the past Sui attempts, I'm high risk and she says I am outside her scope of competence. But she's competent enough to see me while I am in program. Such bull.

I expected that IOP T wasn't going to continue to see me but I'm still hurt. She's like, It's not a rejection. Yes it is.

Oh, Kit.

That really sucks. I'm sorry you're having to go through that.
How long is your IOP program scheduled to last?

HUGS

Lost

I'm sorry, Kit.

Hugs, Kit, I'm so sorry. It's definitely a rejection.


Did she have any recommendations for other T's, even if they aren't nearby, that you could meet with virtually?

It aggravates me that therapists can be so jumpy around psychotic symptoms. I know from my experience that delusions and hallucinations can be worked with and they can really throw light on your internal world and difficulty. They mean something and you deserve the attention, SlumberKitty.

Right now until the 21st unless they get a fourth extension from my insurance company. If not I will see her Friday and Monday and that's it. If they get an extension I guess it would depend on how many more days they give me. She scheduled me for the 29th but I pointed out that was after my scheduled end date. She said, we'll see. Your insurance might approve longer. It just sucks and I hate everything right now. I got too attached to her and I knew it was happening and I didn't stop it. I let myself think that maybe she would continue to see me. I'm such an idiot. Thanks for the hugs. I'd cry if I could let myself but the tears don't fall. HUGS Kit

Not really. Like no names or anything. She just said to look for a T that is a LCSW or an LMFT. Dr. K is a psychologist. She says that he probably doesn't have enough soft skills. He also doesn't have enough availability. I've been seeing her twice a week and then I'm going to go back to Dr. K who is like every 4-6 weeks. Sigh. She said try to find someone who is an expert with hallucinations and self harm. I said yeah right. The area where I live doesn't have enough practitioners as it is and I've looked for someone who specializes in self harm or something but there is no one. I have a list from my insurance company so I'll guess I'll have to try some of them and see if anyone is willing to work with me via telehealth that is further away. I figure that they will probably say the same thing. You're too high risk. Such bull. All I'm trying to do is get better but I need help to get better. It's definitely a rejection. I feel like crap now. She tried to get me to focus on coping skills for tonight so I said I would take a hot bath and I would journal. But I really don't even care if I follow through. I tried so hard with her. And it's like we touched on so many things but didn't get drilled down on any one thing so I can't even go away saying I accomplished something. She even said today that she didn't know where to start because there was so much. It's so painful to be rejected by a T. HUGS Kit

Thank you comrademoomoo. You're a good friend. HUGS Kit

Hugs to all who want/need.

Don't judge a T based on their degree. L has a Ph.D. and she's one of the most softest loving people I've ever met.

I was going to say similarly. Ex-T was an LCSW but not particularly warm. Ex-MC--well, OK, that ended badly, but he has a PhD and was generally very warm. It's more about personality than degree.

It probably isn't a personal rejection. It might be more like while seeing patients in the IOP she has better malpractice insurance than she does in private practice, so it mitigates her risk. (Clients who try suicide or their survivors have been known to sue therapists.)

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Also, in more general personal news, I have decided there's really no nickname more suitable for the new therapist than Visa. Life takes Visa, after all, and it's everywhere you think it shouldn't be.

Agreed. Or possibly she feels more equipped and confident within the context of a whole treatment team rather than seeing you in private practice on her own. I thought you mentioned before that she is not fully licensed yet? In some ways, she is doing you a favor by telling you this now rather than her panicking and dumping you two years down the road. As much as this sucks, that would be an even bigger, more painful mess.

Have you tried looking for somebody with a really solid trauma specialization? I think they can usually understand and work with what you're bringing to the table. My current therapists are a PhD and a LCSW (both work extensively with trauma) and they're both a good mix of warm and competent. I bet it is incredibly frustrating to hear that you're too high risk and therefore can't get any treatment at all. Every 4-6 weeks with a dude who doesn't seem to understand is not at all adequate.

I didn't know this! I follow a lot of artists on IG, and it is sad to think I don't see all of their posts.
Ugh, that is terrible Kit. I am so sorry. We are here to listen.
This made me laugh, thanks for that!

I started watching Lucifer because Una mentioned it so much and I checked out Hollow Knight because of Daffy. So thank you both for my most recent emotional avoidance techniques. And, yes, Hollow Knight can be incredibly frustrating, but if I keep trying I can usually get past the latest obstacle, even if much cursing is involved.

Lucifer definitely kept me distracted/entertained. I’ve never heard of hollow knight! I am currently watching Squid Game bc my friends won’t stop hassling me about it. i must admit, i did get hooked pretty quickly.

Squid Game was so violent yet had a story I got sucked into. I also really enjoyed Midnight Mass on Netflix (except for one scene that had a trigger related to my trauma history). Hollow Knight is a video game, not a show FYI.

I definitely agree.

Hugs if wanted, SlumberKitty

i did originally say i have low frustration level. I havent gotten out of the Forgotten Crossroads yet. I am not a competent gamer either.

A lot of therapists aren't trained to deal with psychosis and don't think it's useful to work on in therapy. I would like to point out that sometimes suggesting hallucinations and delusions have some kind of deeper meaning is a very slippery slope for someone that's in psychosis

For me, understanding the context for my delusions was a crucial part of developing my ability to regain a shared reality - the opposite of a slippery slope. It was not about indulging a deeper or hidden meaning, but rather asking what the delusion was representing and what resonance did that have for me.

For example, I believed my medication contained nanotechnology which was being used by nefarious administrators to track my behaviour as part of a larger plan to control the population. Convincing me otherwise was pointless. Working with me about what this delusion represents - my lack of control, my bodily boundaries being intruded upon, violations by authority figures - uncovered how I was stuck with the trauma of real life sexual exploitation from a medical professional.

It's quite common practice to accept that a delusion has some seed of reality and working with that seed is what re-roots reality (torturous metaphor, sorry). I am sure this approach wouldn't be helpful for everyone and obviously many therapists aren't up to the work of it, but I feel strongly that it was life changing for me. When I experience symptoms now, I can look for the seed and it helps. Ignoring, dismissing or otherwise discounting the delusion doesn't help me.

Agree with that. I also personally found my Ph.D. therapist more well-versed in dealing with more complex issues than my other therapists who were not Ph.D. I don't know if that was from his particular training or his particular past work experience or just his particular skill level, but I found my psychologist was the therapist I made the strongest, most lasting improvements.