Couch 232: Not Sully!

I think if psychosis is related to trauma then yeah that can be helpful. But many people with psychosis don't have symptoms related to some sort of trauma. I was sexually abused by my teenage therapist among other things and I found that some of my symptoms were trauma related but some just weren't and it wasn't helpful to try to pin that down with some sort of reasoning

In my experience, my delusions weren't really something I could say wasn't real and try to find out where its coming from. My delusions were very real to me at the time. I also didn't like when ppl would try to argue me out of it

I have a lot I can/should be doing, but I have no energy for it. I'm really lacking motivation.

Btw - 18 days no smoking!

Wow, Scarlet, 18 days is great!

Great job Scarlet! 18 days is fantastic!

Well I wrote Individual IOP T an email explaining that it very much felt like a rejection even if she didn't mean it to. I told her how I was feeling and I managed to work out that there was some self criticism going on. She has a word for it but I don't remember what it is. Oh persecutor I think is her word. So I could tell I was being persucatory with myself. Sorry if that's not spelled right, it didn't come up in spell check. I told her I wasn't sure I would get through without self harm and that the threat of kicking me out of IOP wasn't working anymore as a negative to self harm since I won't be able to see her outside of IOP anyway. I didn't self harm though. I wished her luck on her test today, some sort of law and ethics test she has to take for her license. She's like still getting her 3000 hours so she is under a supervisor. I think maybe if I had come across her 5 years down the road she might not be so quick to get rid of me because she would have more experience. I think I scare her even though I certainly don't mean to. But today I looked online for therapists. I contacted one through Psychology today (left her an email) and then was contacted by a group that I guess that T belongs to so I filled out paperwork, told them what my symptoms/diagnosis are, and gave them my insurance information. They are supposed to match you with a therapist based on your needs. So we'll see if they get back to me. I'm supposed to see Dr. K next week but if I can get a new T lined up by then I'll cancel him since he is most unhelpful anyway. I also have the list of therapists from my insurance company so I can start contacting them if this other place doesn't work out. I'm still incredibly hurt by Individual IOP T even though Rationally I can probably see it's more about her and her lack of experience than it is about me. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad or feeling like it is all my fault or something. It doesn't stop me from wanting reassurance that I'm not this horrible disgusting person that she doesn't want to see. But I probably won't get that. The self loathing right now is palpable. I'm glad that I am taking steps to find a new T but I am loathing myself because T doesn't want me. It's like I can feel the rejection coming off of my skin.

Hugs/dignified head nods all around as appropriate. Lots going on up in the ol' noggin right now but precious little of it is making it into my journal. Oh well!


I want pizza. H and I ate at Screaming Banshee Pizza when we were in Bisbee and it was SO delicious. He was just saying today that he wants to drive down there again just to get pizza, it was that good. It's wood fired and super-thin crust. Yum. I was like hell yes, let's go back this weekend. It's close enough for a day trip (like 90 minutes) so why not? haha

Hugs, Kit. I hope you're able to get a T soon from the new place.

You mention IOP T still being in supervision--it could be that her supervisor is the one saying she can't continue to see you, rather than IOP T making the decision herself. I'm not sure if that would help at all with the rejection feelings.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Kit. It sounds so painful.
If your T is still in training, then I can see both sides.
You have finally found a T that you feel can help you, and she may be feeling stretched.

However, that's no reason to make you feel rejected.

I think it's probably more to do with where she would stand legally than anything else.

Well one thing I give her credit for was that she owned the decision. She didn't place the responsibility on her supervisor. She said she thought I was too high risk. She said it was one thing when I have a team of people but it would be another thing when it would be just her.


I'd cry if I did actually cry which I don't. I can feel the self loathing on me, coming up from within me. I can't help my history/symptoms but I feel like I am being judged based on my history/symptoms. So I feel like I am in a rock and a hard place. I am hopeful this new place will find me a therapist that will work for me and be fabulous.

Yes, I agree. I know that therapists are supposed to refer you out if they don't feel you are within their competence. It's just frustrating because she's been seeing me for over a month. She has been seeing me twice a week so it feels longer. I think I have more confidence in her than she has in herself. I know she is probably afraid of getting sued but I would never sue her and my parents are not the suing sort. But it is what it is and I have to accept it. Even if it makes me sad and is painful and makes me loathe myself.

The new place that I contacted for a T got back to me and said that all their therapists who take my insurance are full but if I want to go self pay ($120 a session) I could do that. Sounds scammy. So I got out the list from my insurance company and I contacted one of the T's from there. I hope she gets back to me. I hate this part of looking for a T. Sigh.

$120 is cheaper than Info and Visa for an hour, though Visa takes insurance.

Yup, I hate that part too.

I don't think $120 is out of the question. I just think that they are bait and switching. Their whole premise is like, oh we'll help you find someone that takes your insurance and get you in fast. And then they are like, oh every one who takes your insurance is full. No asking if you want to be on a waiting list or anything. Maybe I am just jaded against therapists right now. But I need one ASAP.

I'm thinking that maybe they just don't have anyone who takes insurance available, so they want to try to offer someone. It could be that those who take insurance have long waiting lists as well. If that charge would be doable for you, it could be worth trying the therapist out who could see you. And then you could try to look for other ones who do take your insurance in the meantime. Or ask to get put on a waiting list there, too.

Could you drive farther away if you found someone in person and you saw them on the weekend? Maybe give less money to your church/charities and spend it on your own health for a while until you are feeling better. Taking care of yourself instead of giving it away is not wrong.

It is cheaper by just a little bit than what both the first woman and the second woman were charging. But they were in person with offices/overhead and they were grossly overpaid. I would find $120 a lot for online where all they need is a computer.

Sorry, I was just trying to say, very unclearly, that if it were a scam they could ask for more. Probably the therapists who take your insurance are popular for that very reason.

Could someone else at the IOP recommend someone?

Around here every psychiatrist and therapist in private practice is self-pay, do not accept insurance, etc. We are stuck with the county mental health clinic, where staff are overworked and underpaid, which leads to long waits between appointments and to quick turnover. My youngest has had 4 counselors in the past 12 months, for example. They bill my insurance $185 per hour. I'm not responsible for the full amount, but that makes me shy away from looking for private practitioners, because there's absolutely no way I can afford that.

Good luck Kit!

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I'm sorry you have to deal with that, especially with your youngest.

It's worth checking into whether private, self-pay practitioners might have a sliding scale. My T does, for example, and I recall when I was looking for a potential new T in the past that many had it listed on their Psychology Today profile. Many T's build that into their pricing, assuming that they'll have a certain number of sliding scale clients (I asked Dr. T about it once).

Also, know that those therapists definitely are NOT getting that full $185 from the insurance company--probably more like $50, if that. (It should say on your explanation of benefits from the insurance company.) So T's do better financially as self-pay, even if they have a considerable number of sliding scale clients.

And you should see if your insurance offers any out-of-network benefits, as I get half reimbursed, even though my T is out of network (previous plan reimbursed 60%).

I was just telling my friend how violent Squid Game is, but I am sucked into the story as well. I googled Hollow Knight last night and realized it was a video game; so not me! lol
Yes, 18 days!!! Congrats
I just want to point out that even though this is devastating to your self-esteem, and you feel rejected, you DIDN'T self-harm!!! That is huge! Good for you, Kit.
Oh man, I couldn't have therapy if no T's around here did insurance. I did find out the other week that my T only takes 3 insurances. Luckily, mine is one of them. Well until I find out what next year's insurance is.

I'm on sliding scale after my finances changed. Was worth it to ask and I told my T I'll see her less if necessary.

Glad my T left public healthcare in my country because everything is now time limited, or "X sessions then apply for another X sessions." It was a lot cheaper but has other important consequences that private practice doesn't.

I was pretty upset with an acquaintance who just kept judging me on my therapy situation based on his situation, which is very different from mine. He's out of my life now, for being judgmental about other stuff.

I've had my T for 5 years, thankful she's got experience with DID after my unexpected diagnosis.

Def still a sacrifice monetary-wise. I wish quality therapy was more accessible for everyone who needs it around the world.

The USA system is terrible, UK's NHS is terrible etc... stuff I've learned from you folks and other online friends.

I contacted another group of therapists that supposedly takes my insurance and I am waiting to hear back from them. I contacted a person from the list my insurance company gave me. She got back to me and said she will have to check with her staff to see if she currently takes my insurance and asked me for the front and back of my insurance card so I texted that to her. She said she would get back to me today but I don't know when. Last night it was 8 PM before she called me (I was in bed so I got the message this morning.) I'm really trying to find someone who takes my insurance above all because, I pay a lot for my insurance so I want to use it. But if I can't then I'll suck it up and do self pay. I also asked the lady who got back to me if she doesn't take my insurance if she does sliding scale so I am trying hard to find a new therapist ASAP. It's stinking hard though. I am waiting on the other group to get back to me and see if they have availability and someone who takes my insurance. I am on a waiting list from the first group but they said they don't have any openings right now for anyone male or female who take my insurance because I asked what if I said I would take a male therapist? And they said no one who takes my insurance has any open appointments. This is for the state of CA so that's discouraging! There's not very many people locally that take my insurance (It's Blue Shield of CA so it's not like an unknown named one). I've never had a T give me any referrals. So it is very frustrating to try to do it all on my own. But I am trying my best to take care of myself. I saw this saying on FB "Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for taking care of." So I am trying to keep that in mind. In the meantime IOP Individual T is trying to find out if my case manager is asking the insurance company for more days. She is hoping we have more time together. I am supposed to end IOP on the 21st and then go into aftercare. But I don't know if the insurance will extend my days a fourth time or not.

Yes, doing the leg work on insurance, finding a covered provider, is time-consuming and can be frustrating, but that is unfortunately just what you have to do with the way medical insurance works. I've spent many many hours researching providers on the insurance list (for various specialties) and then getting referrals (I have to have referrals for medical specialists) and then trying to get scheduled. It's a slow and tedious process at times, but it is what it is. It is the only way I could have ever afforded therapy and psychiatrists.

Kit, Are you finding IOP helpful?