Couch 232: Not Sully!

H is a travelin' man this week. Seal Beach, CA just the other night, then today, they sent him to Las Cruces, New Mexico!

I love las cruces!

Feeling less OK now about the ex-MC sighting... Just got through a panic attack/crying spell that may or may not have been related. I think I made the mistake of trying to convince myself I was totally fine instead of just letting myself feel whatever (not the first time that's led to a panic attack).

That's...odd. How did this conversation even come about?

I put off my apartment AC conversion, until i call them back. I AM making progress on my cleanup. It is SOOOO good not to have even that little deadline hanging over my head. I do NOT handle stress well - at all.

I make better choices without stress.

I was patting my cat at the time.

Just heard that my ex's girlfriend called him out on his 'jokes' and left him. I have always sort of doubted myself about the belittling things he said that he passed off as jokes now i am relieved that that is what they were.

Its 33 degC and i suddenly crave laksa

Black cat I live with headbutts me way harder than I pat him too. He likes firm pats, firm stroking down his side.

Googled it. Sounds yummy. We just finished having an hour long thunder and lightning show. One was particularly loud, to where you inadvertently take the Lord's name in vain

My black cat does hard headbutts too. Penny has started doing it as well but she's all dainty and gentle haha

I kinda wished I could have gone with him yesterday... except I wouldn't have wanted to come back home right away, I'm sure. We might have to plan a trip there one of these days. I don't think I've been there before, he says I have, but I don't remember.

One of the worst side effects of therapy is that people have trouble with simple normal reactions and try to find deep meaning out of something that is simply not a big deal - I have been reading on another site and I am baffled at why people let therapists convince them that every little reaction needs exploring. Not about anyone here.

So today I have an appointment with a covering therapist for my IOP individual therapist who is on vacation. I met this T once on Zoom when she covered for group for another therapist. I don't remember if I liked her or not, but basically you don't interact with the T much in group. I'm not sure if it is a half session or a full session. I have lots I could talk about this week because of going to the ER, getting kicked out of IOP, my feelings about all of that, being reinstated into IOP and my feelings about that, having to sign a safety contract and my feelings about that. Plus a friend passed due to Covid on Tuesday (it's been a heck of a week!) But I'm not sure these are things to talk about with a covering T. I think these are the things that I need to talk about but I'm not sure what people normally talk about with a covering T. Maybe she will just ask me questions. IDK.I'm kind of stressing about it. Appointment in less than 3 hours.

Speaking of mammograms, I have to go back for my third mammogram on my left breast since June. I'm not sure why they keep sending me back for mammograms. But I talked to my primary care doctor about it yesterday since I got a letter in the mail about it from the imaging center. So she pulled up my file and looked at it and was like, yep, I need to send you a referral. So she did. Then the imaging center kept calling me to schedule. So I have an appointment next month to get my left breast looked at again. (Kit starts to worry!)

I'm sorry you're going through all of this at once, Kit.

Thank you for your remarks on group therapy - that makes the support group I tried on Monday make a lot more sense.

HUGS

Lost

Hugs, Kit. Sorry for your loss and for everything else you're dealing with.

For me, when I've met with backup T's when my T has been away, I've just talked about whatever was on my mind right then. I imagine you could just talk about whatever you are feeling. Though I suppose it could be different with IOP--she may have specific things she needs to talk to you about, especially if she's aware of your being kicked out and reinstated, the ER visit, and the safety plan. Whatever you discuss, I hope she's helpful and that it goes well.

When do you meet with the regular IOP T again?

Thanks LT. I'm supposed to meet with the regular T on the 29th but when she left on vacation I was still kicked out so I don't know if she cancelled that appointment or not. That's kind of up in the air. But I see backup T today at noon and next Wednesday at 11 AM. So hopefully she is helpful. I'm sure she'll go through a safety checklist and stuff but I do hope there is time to talk about some of this stuff with getting kicked out of IOP, getting reinstated with IOP, my friend dying, my cousin's wife dying, etc. etc. etc. I'm kind of relieved it is not regular T as I think she might be defensive and not able to hear my side of things. I am hoping to process it with backup T so that way I don't have to process it with regular T. We'll see. 1.5 hours to go.

Hugs/head nods all around as appropriate.

Glad today is my friday! getting my hair cut tomorrow (cuz i haven't felt like going after work) and plan to go to the gym too. Saturday and Sunday mornings I'm doing another online shamanic workshop, looking very forward to that. I have to work 5a-9a Sunday, the workshop starts at 9, then I'll work the other 4 hours next Friday. I like the option of splitting up a shift every now & again.

Lunch break almost over... better go re-up my tea before I have to log back in. Have a good afternoon or whatever time it is where you are.

Sometimes that feels like therapists trying to convince me that I should be more interesting to myself than I am.

I find myself pretty dull.

The appointment went okay with backup T. She said I was showing myself internal validation by taking care of myself these past few days through the whole IOP thing and the loss of my cousin's wife and the loss of my friend's husband. So I want to kind of be like, hey regular T, see I can do this. It also didn't feel tense like my sessions have been with regular T. Maybe that's the medication because it does make me very chill and mellow yellow. Lately with Regular IOP T I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. And with this backup T I just felt validated and accepted and stuff. I don't think we fully worked through the feelings about being kicked out of IOP and let back in and stuff but we talked about it and how it is okay to cry and stuff. I have a really hard time doing that. I'd say overall the appointment was positive.

Glad it went fairly well, Kit!

We were all set to get this one apartment and then they tell us they won't accept our animals even though they are ESA.

I'm so sorry Scarlet, that must be really difficult! HUGS
I know you are feeling really bad right now. Can you think of anything you can do that would be self soothing or self comforting? Sometimes when I am feeling really bad it can help to do the opposite of what I feel like doing. I don't know if it will work for you, just a suggestion, feel free to ignore.
I hope you find a new apartment that will take your animals and that you can afford and will be a good spot for you guys. HUGS Kit

I agree with this except therapy didn't cause this tendency for me. I know I was once far too prone to spending too much emotional energy analyzing every minute reaction. I did that even before I started therapy - sort of almost an OCD thing I think. It was exhausting. For me, it was some bizarre need for control. I can't blame it on my therapists though. In fact, ironically, my therapist was actually the one who got me to knock it off. LOL. He got me to simplify my thinking, to get out of my head space and just live a little. I spent far too much time contemplating my belly button and far too little time looking up and living. (Perhaps my biggest regret from my younger years - but one I have corrected.)