[coolibrarian]

I just had my session with T. It was excruciating. I won't give you all the details, but I will tell you that this past Sunday, we had to ask friends over to help us move some furniture. Our house is dirty and cluttered, and I have felt too much shame to ask others for help. But my wife was crying and finally I gave in, and overcame the embarassment/shame. We called for help and they came, and they still love us.

Then, on Monday evening, we had to put my favorite cat, Lucy, down. It was time. She was 17 and sick. I had been crying all day. I held her as she was put down and I cried some more. Since then I have been crying on and off and I also cried for about 25% of my session as I am finally accepting (emotionally) that my mother never loved me the way I deserved to be loved. I had known this intellectually for years, but somehow Little Cool was holding out hope that The Good Mother was going to appear and take care of me and love me. T can't do it, and neither can my wife. T said that in the end, we all have to learn to be our own mothers. That made me cry some more. After all, I had a lousy role model.

I managed to continue the session without constant crying and T suggested I look up Clutterers Anonymous and read some of their literature and try to find a nearby group to attend. T also said I should try to look forward to the good things that could happen when the house gets/is clean, rather than holding onto the shame my mother blanketed me with, by not loving me, and by traumatizing me in various ways (which I also won't talk about in PC, at least, not yet...too much shame there. Even my T and my wife barely know all the details of that mess.).

T said to try doing 1 little thing every day, and little by little things will get better. I will lose the shame and I will stop listening to my mother's awful voice in my head. By the way, my mother has been dead since 2003, and T doesn't think I've properly or completely grieved for the mother I never had, but desperatley needed. So I expect more crying and writing about this grief for some time yet to come.

I asked T if we would ever meet in person again and she still doesn't know, but said that maybe, before the snow flies, we could meet somewhere and take a walk together. I like that idea, but I told her I don't know when I would actually feel like doing it.

I am going to take an Ativan and try to calm down, but in the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could send words of support to me. I feel like at any moment I will start crying again and never stop.

Thanks in advance,
Cool (who is still a librarian, even though she retired from her previous toxic work environment)

[SlumberKitty]

Oh Cool,

I'm so so sorry about Lucy. I still miss my Esther and it's been since May.


I'm also so so sorry about your Mom. That she wasn't the kind of mom that you needed and deserved. I'm sorry that you have that pain and that hole inside you because she failed as a mom. I think your T is onto something that we all have to learn to be our own mothers. That's a hard thing to learn but I think it could be really good to learn it. I need to learn this too. You aren't alone.


I'm so proud of you that you were able to ask for help and that they came and helped and still love you. That's what friends or family is supposed to do. Love you anyway. Even if the house is a mess. Even if our lives is a mess. (Speaking more of me in that last statement than you!)


Sending you warm soothing hugs.


Kit

[Omers]

Oh Cool,
That hit home big time for me. I lost my kitty Coal very unexpectedly on Saturday and am just a wreck. My house is a disaster and I have tried talking to T about it but he is a neat freak. He doesn’t understand how his fear that the vacuum line in his carpet aren’t 100% straight and parallel to the baseboards makes it impossible to overcome my shame about my house enough to talk to him. Reading your post I am wondering if some of the chaos in my house isn’t from my relationship with my mother.
I am sorry you are going through this and I REALLY hope you get to see your T in person soon.

[nottrustin]

The last few weeks have been difficult and emotional. You are doing a great job. Crying is really cathartic.

[Quietmind 2]

I hope that you can feel a little less alone in your grief. Both for yourself about your traumas and not having the loving parents you deserved, and the loss of your beloved cat.

It's so painful isn't it? Thank you for sharing.