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  #1  
Old Sep 29, 2021, 09:42 AM
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Omers Omers is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Life has been crazy.
I am 2years and 10months into working with awesome T. For the most part things have gotten quieter with him. Most sessions are spent curled up on his couch with a blanket and/or stuffy often slowly relaxing, unfiurling and sliding down to lay on the couch. If I ask he will sit beside me and put his arm around me or hold my hand. At first I found feeling safe and relaxed really unsettling and would trigger or startle but it is becoming more familiar. I am struggling with a lot of shame right now that he gently challenges. T is self disclosing a lot about his struggles with shame both past and present. A self disclosure a few weeks ago made it very real that he is human with just as much potential as anyone else to harm me… then the peace of knowing that I am important enough to him for him to make absolutely sure that never happens within this relationship. I feel better knowing he could hurt me but loves me enough not to as opposed to my earlier belief that he was so different that he was incapable of doing harm.
Art T (T2) and I have been working together about 4 sessions after having tried last year and having it be an utter disaster. Our first session we talked about/processed a fabric collage I did for my other T. We did too much but when I said I needed to stop we did. She has gotten much more sensitive about my limits. The next session we started projects together and I discovered she is a lot more calm if she is making art too. We were able to talk about my being very controlling of our sessions because I was trying to make it safe for me to engage her. So far we have only been meeting when I can afford her on top of regular T so it was pretty infrequent. I finished the project art T and I started and tried to process it with T but didn’t feel safe enough. Last session art T and I were able to process it. I was feeling super vulnerable so she sat beside me on the couch and put her arm on my leg. When it got really uncomfortable she put her arm around me and let me lean into her. She asked if I just wanted to be quiet and breathe for the rest of session so we did. I was really stiff and unsure but it helped me feel more safe and secure. I had sent her an email about where my boundaries were around personal space and touch because in a previous session she was afraid she would get too close and scare me. She had also talked to T about how he uses touch with me and how I respond to it. So she knew everything she did last session I would be OK with and that if I wasn’t I would tell her or move away. It was a really big session. Having her touch me without us ever talking about it face to face, without any hesitation… like it was just totally normal was very freeing, challenges a lot of beliefs and helped me feel more calm and secure with her.
Awesome T continues to move towards retirement and has a lot of travel plans over the winter. He will still be available for phone/video sessions which I am sure I will take him up on. Mostly while he is gone though I think I will be happy to be working with art T. She kind of has a nurturing big sister vibe going on right now that feels comfortable.
T and art T are talking a lot more this time. Art T uses T for supervision so they know each other well. It was a little scary last session with art T learning that T told her that he holds me and told her about my younger parts. Once the initial panic and shame passed it felt good. Knowing that T trusts her to be safe knowing those things about me and knowing that she waited until the right time to use the information helped me feel less shame and feel more comfortable with her.
Now no therapy for two weeks as I change jobs… but then I have Pdoc, T and art T scheduled for the same day as soon as I could .
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There’s been many a crooked path
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Wild eyed with fear
-Blackmoores Night
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  #2  
Old Sep 29, 2021, 01:45 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
Always in This Twilight
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
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Hi Omers, it's good to "see" you and read your update. Sounds like things are going well with both T's.

This line jumped out at me as a really important realization for you, maybe even a turning point in some way; "I feel better knowing he could hurt me but loves me enough not to as opposed to my earlier belief that he was so different that he was incapable of doing harm."

And that line spoke to me in a way as well. Sorry to bring myself into your thread, but the "he was so different that he was incapable of doing harm"--this makes me think of how I felt for a long time about ex-MC. So when he *did* do harm, it was extra painful for me.


Whereas I've never thought that about Dr. T (just hit 4 years with him!) I've been aware from quite early on that he was able to do harm. (As he put it one time, "I don't think you've ever idealized me!") But I'm choosing to trust him anyway (well, I still have my doubts/fears/anxiety crop up, but I haven't run away again, and I try to face them head on with him). He'd never say that he loves me, though he's said he "cares a great deal about my well-being." But I feel his actions suggest something at least bordering on [platonic] love, even if he would never choose to use that word, like he's gone above and beyond (for him!) numerous times in the past year for me.


I think your being able to realize one, then the other in the same person is particularly important. Out of curiosity, have you shared that with him? I imagine he'd find it to be quite meaningful.
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  #3  
Old Sep 29, 2021, 02:48 PM
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Omers Omers is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
Hi! You are more than welcome to jump in with your own realizations on my threads! I learn more that way too.
I have shared it with him… his response was along the lines of “Oh, Omers, Why can’t you just feel safe, why do you have to make sense of everything. I hope some day your brain is able to take a break and just let things be”.
Typing it out is feels very dismissive but the tone and non-verbals were very warm and a little playful. Some of his reaction may also be because if I had to venture a guess what he self disclosed that brought this revelation to me is probably the thing he is most ashamed of in his life that he still struggles to find peace with. And, honestly, I can’t imagine too many other T’s in his position that would share what he did. BTW it had nothing to do with his profession or clients.
__________________
There’s been many a crooked path
that has landed me here
Tired, broken and wearing rags
Wild eyed with fear
-Blackmoores Night
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
  #4  
Old Sep 29, 2021, 03:37 PM
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unaluna unaluna is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
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So good to hear from you omers!

I get it about the touch, and about hearing him say he would choose NOT to hurt.
Possible trigger:
so having a truly safe relationship with t was incredibly important to me, and i wasnt too interested in the opinion of entitled naysayers.
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  #5  
Old Sep 30, 2021, 06:34 AM
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Omers Omers is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
Hi Unaluna!
It sounds like our early experiences were similar. My mother only touched me when basic care required it and then often found a way to make it painful. She also forbid anyone else in my life from touching me. If I got close to anyone she would forbid them from seeing me or we would move away. It really upset T to hear.
In the past I had worked with a massage therapist and a T to try and work through some of it. The massage therapist was wonderful with me and it helped me learn about experiencing touch. I’ve been told a thousand times by T’s that “you need to learn to get your needs met outside of therapy” but no amount of massage therapy separate from therapy would do what having T and art T hold me and use touch with me does.
__________________
There’s been many a crooked path
that has landed me here
Tired, broken and wearing rags
Wild eyed with fear
-Blackmoores Night
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty, unaluna
Thanks for this!
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  #6  
Old Sep 30, 2021, 07:32 AM
Waterbear Waterbear is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,431
The use of safe nurturing touch was such an integral part of my therapy, for so many different reasons. Like you I heard time and time again that it shouldn't be done with clients, and was almost shamed for wanting/needing it. I never would have opened up to my Ex T if she hadn't been ok with it. I think Ts who dismiss it are seriously doing a disservice to those clients who would benefit from it. In my mind it is just another 'therapy technique' which should be utilised where suitable.
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  #7  
Old Sep 30, 2021, 08:34 AM
ChickenNoodleSoup ChickenNoodleSoup is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: In a land far far away
Posts: 1,661
Glad to hear the update! I remember art T, it's nice to know things are still working out with her, as well as your regular T!
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  #8  
Old Oct 01, 2021, 07:35 AM
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nottrustin nottrustin is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: n/a
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I am so glad you found such great Ts who are able to meet your needs.

I grew up in a family that just didnt hug our show affection physically. Plus men that did use touch did so in abusive ways. As an adult asking for or appraching people for a hug was not an option. I feared people would only hug me because I asked but did not want to. Also those that did hug me I was afraid that I was gross san did not want to.

Both my Ts initiated hugs. In the veginning they always asked. I know the are safe. It is their way of telling me they care and I am still good enough regardless of what I tell them.
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