Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

I read “1984” last year too (I did a lot of lockdown reading). The technology didn’t bother me (too outmoded by today’s standards). Rather the way the language had been modified to support the state and how people were afraid to say anything different or step out of line...those had more relevance today to me.

I feel a little better today over the loss of IOP T. I'm not crying or anything. I thought I might start crying but it didn't happen. I promised her a month of no SH so I gotta keep my promise. I thought it was a good way to honor our work together but now I think what did I do? Argh.


I contacted the other IOP T that I saw when this IOP T was on vacation and asked her when we were going to have a session. This week? Next week? Just kind of want to know because I need to work it around my work schedule. So I am waiting to hear back. Waiting to hear back from T's can be torture.

Well other IOP T got back to me. At first she was going to schedule me for next week. But I was a little whiny and was like other IOP T saw me twice a week so she got me in on Friday. It's a weird time but I'll take it. Then we can discuss scheduling at our Friday appointment for next week. Whew. I am glad I don't have to wait a week or more for a therapy appointment. That's great news!

Hugs to all who want/need.

I'm glad she can see you Friday, Kit!

Got D's report card and really struggling right now. I knew it wasn't going to be good, but I guess maybe I wasn't expecting a bunch of D's, plus listings saying she wasn't making progress toward expectations. And her teacher saying she can read some stuff on a 2nd grade level (she's in 4th), but still needs one-on-one assistance or prompting to answer questions and things like that. She has an IEP (autism), and we're pursuing an ADHD diagnosis and treatment now. And I know that she spent a year in virtual school and did horribly with that (the school system also didn't give any grades below C's then). So I can try to think of it logically. But on a personal/emotional level, it's just really painful, and I keep crying.

On a sort of...funny? Not sure that's the right word. A *something* note, I'd posted in a couple local parenting groups seeking recommendations for child psychiatrists or psychologists who could do ADHD testing. D's former school psychologist (she changed schools this year) message me, saying she was in the group, saw my post, and hoped she wasn't crossing a line in replying. She suggested a few practices, one of which is the one where ex-T and ex-MC work. In my reply, among other things, I was like, "I'm familiar with [practice name], and my last T was actually from there!" Meanwhile, I'm thinking "nooooooo!"


I mean, if we had to go there for my D's sake, of course we would, but I'd prefer a different place if possible.

Definitely not being paranoid.

My depression is in full swing again. I am so tired.

LT, it can be hard to see those reports on paper even when you are aware of the realities of your child's life and challenges. Of course it's painful. I'm sorry.

On another note: WHY is any fourth grader even getting letter grades of any kind to begin with? It's so counter-productive. It hits my early interventionist/homeschooler heart right smack in the peeves. Letter grades in elementary school are ridiculous. It's not like they're building a transcript, and the focus should really be on what your marvelous little human needs to learn and the kinds of supports they will provide to help her learn it. More hugs.

Lonesome Tonight - I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles with your child. Is there any way to change schools? If not, would it be better to see about home schooling or having your child repeat the grade so that your child has a better chance at retaining the information while you look for a good psychiatrist and child psychologist?

I hope you are able to find one on your own or voice your concerns to the school and try to get a better referral.

Thanks, WFS. Yes, I think it's the difficulty of seeing them on paper (well, the computer screen--they only do electronic report cards now in our county). I tend to really struggle with IEP (individualized education plan) meetings, too, for similar reasons. I mean, they *have* to talk about her deficits in order to get her services, but it's still challenging and painful.

I think it's also hard for me because I was always a high-achieving student, mostly A's, gifted & talented program. The couple C's I got (chorus and PE), it was like this awful thing, and my mom went and talked to the teacher about it (got my grade bumped up in chorus). Meanwhile, H, who has ADHD, said he mostly got D's before it was diagnosed. And he's turned out fine, so it doesn't concern him on the same level.

Agreed on grades in elementary school. She didn't get them in first or second, then last year, due to the pandemic, the school system had a policy of giving no lower than a C to anyone. So this is her first opportunity to get D's, really.

Thanks, SprinkL3. She's actually getting pretty good services at this school (public school), and if she were switched to private, she wouldn't have the same rights to supports for learning challenges. But it may be something to look into at some point.

I do sort of wish she'd repeated the 3rd grade this year (she didn't learn that much due to it being virtual for much of the year, and she struggled quite a bit with it). She already repeated kindergarten though, and I think the school would fight us on having her repeat another grade (they seem to want to keep pushing kids through). But I worry about her being able to catch up to her grade level.

We can call for an IEP (individualized education plan) meeting to try to amend her services at any time, so we could always do that. She already gets some additional support in the classroom and is pulled out for things like speech therapy and social skills. But I'm wondering if we could look to get her a one-on-one assistant (issue is, I think they're understaffed right now).

Hi LT,

It sounds like you are doing the best you can with the options you have available. I don't think it would hurt to ask about one-to-one support, especially in light of the impact that the year of virtual school had on D.

If they're understaffed, they're understaffed...but you won't know if you don't ask.

My mom often used to tell me this story of a Swiss author that really stuck with me in terms of grades, and I'd tell it to my peers in primary school whenever they struggled:
The author used to be really bad in school, he'd have issues at home, struggle mentally and he got placed in the worst high school possible (our high schools have 4 tiers, you can move up and down, based on your grades). His grades were bad, he didn't enjoy school. Yet, he managed to become a well-known author that is famous around here, even if not abroad.

I know in the US it's a bit different due to your... questionable education system and the emphasis on a university degree. But grades are not everything in life, not by a far shot. They can help you get into more comfortable positions, but just because you have good grades does not mean you're smart, and just because your grades are bad it doesn't mean you won't get anywhere. The most important thing in the end is that you can find some things you enjoy in life, if you enjoy the things you do, you will probably be able to make them work in your favor and get you somewhere, including in the business life.

LT—Maybe private school isn’t for your daughter, but how about a private afterschool program targeted to children with special needs? Or a tutor experienced with autism?

I’m sure her current school does as much as it can, but it is likely understaffed, possibly underbudgeted, and probably has a number of other children to help as well, so services are stretched.

I don’t recall getting a letter grade until high school. Before that it was S/U. Maybe a 1-100 number in grade 8.

And to follow up on what CNS said, some of the most successful people in the US not only did badly at school but dropped out of college or didn’t even attend (Gates, Jobs, etc.).

LT...I agree it would probably be the best thing for her to repeat a grade due to the covid year. I know schools just want to push them through but I really don't see how that is going to help kids learn who are already behind. It just seems like they are setting them up for a lifetime of failure in school.

I also understand that you probably have higher expectations due to being an honor student and feel disappointed that D can't do better but acceptance is a big part of improving ones own mental health. D is her own person and as such needs her own set of goals especially being on the spectrum. It doesn't make her ir you any better or worse. It is just the way things are, for everyone actually.

Perfection is not the goal and a D might actually be an improvement. It all depends on what you are comparing it to. Progress and effort is what areally matters in the end. While your parents looked down on a C, there are many more that praise a C. It is all relative.

As she gets older I am sure she will find her niche and maybe she won't be great at that either but it will make her happy and give her self worth. Right now what matters is how you respond. If she is trying her best, that is all you can expect.

As for letter grades, I guess I am old school because I had letter grades sincec 1st grade. I did also have S, N, and U for things like effort and conduct for the first few years.

Thanks for all the support and suggestions!

LT. The district should be able to do the initial ADHD testing themselves. I know my son was initially diagnosed through the school district. Only when we were pursuing medication did the doctor get involved. FYI: Pediatricians often will also diagnose ADHD - it is not an unusual diagnosis for them. I think ours sent us to a pediatric neurologist just to rule out other issues, then sent some paperwork to teachers, etc., made recommendations that were presented in the IEP meeting, and that was about it.

If she has already been retained once, I would discourage a second retention - it really won't serve her well, and becomes a more significant problem the older she gets and the age difference becomes a bigger factor. Research doesn't support retention beyond very early grades and not more than once. Once she has the ADHD diagnosis, further accommodations can be made.

The fact is, pretty much most students are behind right now which means your daughter is not particularly different in that aspect. We know we have students who are going to need time to make progress, and that progress may be slow. We are seeing HUGE issues with behaviors, students are out of practice with socializing, academic tasks, general coping skills. You name it; we're dealing with it. This is going to take a few years - honestly. We see the biggest issues in the youngest kids who honestly never had settled into regular school to start with.

Remember: you have a special needs child and you can only measure her against herself. Our middle child was served under special education for ADHD, speech delay, fine motor deficits, etc. It helped to remember that they progressed at a slower pace, in their own time, and no amount of tutoring was really going to make those issues go away. The goal was to work toward figuring out how to make learning work with those challenges, and sometimes that was a very slow process and A LOT of trial and error. But they improved a bit each year, managed to graduate, and took some college courses (without need for any accommodations) quite successfully.

Thanks, Artley. In terms of diagnosis, we asked her pediatrician, and she wants us to get an outside diagnosis first. I've reached out to a few places (recommended by my T and others) but haven't been able to schedule anything yet. One of the locations said probably not until January, but their scheduler was away, so they'd have to get back to me (was supposed to be today, but they didn't). Some of the bigger places near me, from past experience (getting the autism diagnosis), would likely have a 6-month or longer waiting list. There's also the decision of whether pursuing full neuropsych testing (which could cost thousands of dollars, but we'll pay if needed) vs. seeing a psychiatrist, who could maybe do a 60-minute assessment and potentially prescribe something.

We do want the school to do another assessment--they're supposed to do one every 3 years, but got delayed by Covid (her last was in 2017, when she got autism put in her school records--they actually wouldn't accept an outside diagnosis for that, I don't think, even though we had one from a very reputable place). We are interested in pursuing medication, so want to get an outside assessment anyway. My T has said there are lots of options for ADHD meds now, in several different classes (not all stimulants), so I'm hoping we can find something that helps. Which is why I hope to involve a psychiatrist, who would have the most up-to-date info, though it may depend on availability (there seem to be a lot of psychiatric nurse practitioners in the area as well, so might pursue one of those while being on a waitlist for an MD psychiatrist).

And thanks for the reminder to measure her against herself. She's come a long way in the past few years. The challenge with report cards is that they measure her against expectations for her age and peers. Thanks for sharing your experience with your child, too--that's encouraging!

Haven't seen @Lemoncake or @chihirochild around in a while. I hope they're both doing okay.

Two therapy appointments today. Two sets of cleavage on display. (Info was sick so we shifted to Zoom but she still managed cleavage somehow in a sweatshirt--pale blue terry, if you must know.)

I'm still making my mind up about Visa.

Pros: Extremely useful on the hearing disability issue. Doesn't resort to cliches or infantilize/talk down to me. Generally avoids typical therapist-y lines and psychobabble and doesn't BS me.

Cons: Admitted today she has ADHD and that was why she kept glancing at her laptop screen (open email). I mean she didn't seem any less effective for it and she apologized and offered to close it when I asked "what do you keep looking at on the screen?" Also admitted she gets impatient when she has to repeat herself because I don't hear her. (She wasn't noticeably impatient, she just volunteered that she does have a tendency that way.)

I talked about the same issue with both (the new request for accommodations is going just about as well as you would expect, meaning badly) and Visa took the logical approach and Info took the emotional approach. I guess it was a good complement.

Info also complained that if she had credit card logos on her desk for clients to see, I'd have told her off about them by now. But I haven't told Visa off. (What can I say? Sometimes I'm nice to the new people.)

I would actually appreciate advice or thoughts if anyone has any. Thanks.

About the only time im nice to people is when they are new.

Just dropped in to send hugs all around to those who want. H is on a long distance job to los angeles so I'm having a relaxing evening after working 2 hours OT today.

I tend to land on the practical side: Am I getting what I need out of this? I am a little unimpressed by the email-checking, though. Not cool.

Sorry the accommodations request is going badly.

L went a little out there on me today. In her email, she wrote to the different parts of me. That was weird for me.