Simple Questions Answered

Just thought I'd pass along a positive T experience.

During this week's session, I mentioned in a vague statement that I was somewhat uncomfortable because my relationship with my oldest is starting to change.

Although I didn't say this in my initial statement..he is approaching puberty and I'm kind of stressed about appropriate boundaries--I guess because mine were crossed at this age. Regardless, I feel really stupid when i am not sure about something that I should know but don't. Since this is an uncomfortable topic for me and I REALLY hate to appear stupid, I didn't elaborate beyond my general statement and started to move on to another topic.

My T paused me, didn't let it go, and asked for more specifics. I reluctantly gave them. My T seemed to understand, encouraged me to state my concerns, didn't treatment me like I was stupid, and directly answered each concern.

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but just the way the exchange went meant a lot. They were stupid questions, but I didn't feel stupid getting the answers. Knowing that my responses to my son were "normal" and appropriate was really helpful too.

I just liked the way my questions were handled. My T gets a "thumbs up" rating this week.

That's great, mckell. What's the old saying, "It's easier to answer a dumb question than it is to fix a dumb mistake".

Why would these be stupid questions? I can't imagine any parent really knows what the boundaries are as our children mature.
We want to keep our children safe, yet give them the freedom to become individuals. We want the to feel secure in who they are but still have boundaries.
You were so smart to talk with your t
Great job, Mckell!

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mckell13 said:
I didn't elaborate beyond my general statement and started to move on to another topic.

My T paused me, didn't let it go, and asked for more

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's so great he didn't let it go and probed further. He was really attuned to what you wanted--to talk about this topic. I hate when we throw out "bait" for our T's and they don't take it. Not your guy. Yay, big thumbs up for your T!

I don't know your history but navigating with teens is tricky for any parent and since you've had your boundaries crossed, it is even trickier for you. I'm glad you talked with your T about it for two reasons.
1) It is important that you have a sounding board for any "dumb" questions - that therapy is a safe place for you to ask things, even if you assume you should know something.
2) Parents tend to parent like they were parented. So breaking any cycle - abuse, permissiveness, super strictness, whatever -- means talking about it, recognizing it and learning how to do it differently. So it was really important that your T checked in with you about how you were feeling and what your questions were. Things get triggered and then get in our way with our kids. I wish more Ts would ask about their client's kids.

Your T modeled exactly what we should try to do with our teens - pick up on their vague comments, ask questions and encourage them to ask questions. And give straight forward answers instead of lectures or quizzes.

Good work - you and T!

"Attuned" ...interesting choice of word Sunrise. I like it :-)

It was a brief exchange lasting only a minute or two but how it was handled mattered a lot. T's probably do this a zillion times a day without even realizing it.

You all are correct, the transition to the teen years is a tough experience for most parents. I just seem to be internally freaking out a bit more than others.

Flowerb, I hope I can apply what was modeled in other future interactions.

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Flowerb said:
I wish more Ts would ask about their client's kids.

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mckell13 said:
You all are correct, the transition to the teen years is a tough experience for most parents.

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I agree, discussing our kids and teens is a great topic for therapy. It took me a while to realize what a great resource my T was for this. This is a topic he takes very seriously. He sometimes provides reassurance and has great ideas and insights into parenting issues and will suggest new approaches that I can try. (He is a family therapist.) He was the one who provided the referral for my youngest daughter's T and sometimes he and her T consult on our family issues (I've signed a release). The child specialist who is helping with our divorce has been super helpful too and is a wealth of parenting information. She has oodles of concrete suggestions and has made some really spot on interpretations about what is going on in our family. One thing she told me is that I give my youngest daughter "too much space" and that had never occurred to me before. It makes me see a lot of our interactions in a new light, taking my own personal foibles into account, and gives me encouragement to try to surmount them for the good of my kids.

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mckell13 said:
I just seem to be internally freaking out a bit more than others.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Try this on.... A few weeks ago my oldest daughter came to me and said she wants to go onto birth control pills.

Well, I wrote a lot about that. But can't agree enough--parents, use your therapists for help with kids and parenting issues!

DEFINITELY NOT READY FOR THAT ONE! At least she came to you.

Where was it this fall that a school district was trying to get school board approval to be able to dispense the pill to girls without parental permission?

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mckell13 said:
At least she came to you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, I know, I am proud of her for that. We have a good relationship. I took her to our family doctor a couple of weeks ago and she got her prescription. She also got several words of "mom wisdom" from me, such as "just because you have the prescription, doesn't mean you have to have sex if you're not ready yet..." (she is not active yet, just considering it and wanting to be prepared since she has a serious boyfriend and they have discussed it--how responsible is that!?) Kids can turn your hair gray!