[Yellowblossom]

Hi, I'm in need of some advice. I've been going to therapy for about a year now and I've been seeing the same therapist for that time. I started therapy due to issues in my marriage and feelings of depression and low self esteem. My therapist and I get on very well and I feel that he does his job well. The only thing I'm struggling with is over the past few months I have began developing feelings for him. This is extremely awkward for me because he is married and over 20 years older than me. I try extremely hard to control these feelings and every time I feel I'm doing a good job of it he says or does something that pulls me straight back into this horrible place.
He constantly repeats that I am attractive and I wouldn't find it difficult to find someone else (when talking about my relationship issues) even though I have made it clear I want to work on my marriage.
He has told me before that if he wasn't my T he would be pouring me a drink and trying to get me intoxicated (not sure what was meant by that comment)
He also signs off all email and text communications to me with an 'x' even though I don't return the sentiment.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not sure if my T is just messing with my head or if this is genuine transference on my behalf. He has also made a comment before that he is good in bed but said it as a joke. He also uses examples like 'if you were my wife I would do x y z' so it's almost like hes painting this picture of himself in my head as being the perfect husband when I know that is most likely not the case in the real world. Is my therapist just a bit of a creep or is this me reading into everything because of transference?

[CANDC]

Hi @Yellowblossom welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are having mixed feelings about the therapist. It seems like that contradiction is making therapy more difficult.

"He constantly repeats that I am attractive" - this by itself could be an attempt to boost your self esteem

"I wouldn't find it difficult to find someone else (when talking about my relationship issues) even though I have made it clear I want to work on my marriage." This seems like he could be playing devil's advocate taking the opposite of what you say. Were you expressing dissatisfaction with your marriage?

"He has told me before that if he wasn't my T he would be pouring me a drink and trying to get me intoxicated" This seems inappropriate to me as it suggests to me a possible seduction OR he may be responding to what you said before that.. Was this said after you were complaining about no romance in your marriage?

"He also signs off all email and text communications to me with an 'x' even though I don't return the sentiment." I have people that do that and to me the X means a kiss but I think in other countries it is a polite kind of kiss. It is not clear what they mean but I think I would not want my therapist doing that.

"He has also made a comment before that he is good in bed but said it as a joke. " I would not want my therapist to even joke about such things. To me the therapy session should be all about the client and though I do not see anything that would be clearly unethical, there is one thing that seems clear to me:

You are not comfortable with this male therapist. You might ask yourself these questions:

Is it possible to look for a woman therapist that could help me and there would not be any possible double meanings?

How much progress am I making with this therapist?

Am I happier now than when I started with this therapist?

Just in case you do not know, the therapist could have their license to practice revoked if they had an intimate relationship with a client. I wonder if any therapist would let themselves get into that jeopardy.

I think you have given examples but without the context of what you said, it is difficult to say what they may have meant. And the tone of voice can be revealing, but we hear none of that. My take is if you are not comfortable or making progress, then finding another therapist is well worth considering.

[ScarletPimpernel]

You might have transference? But your therapist's behavior seems like a big red flag. If you feel it's wrong, then it is wrong.

[Yellowblossom]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi @Yellowblossom welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are having mixed feelings about the therapist. It seems like that contradiction is making therapy more difficult.

"He constantly repeats that I am attractive" - this by itself could be an attempt to boost your self esteem

"I wouldn't find it difficult to find someone else (when talking about my relationship issues) even though I have made it clear I want to work on my marriage." This seems like he could be playing devil's advocate taking the opposite of what you say. Were you expressing dissatisfaction with your marriage?

"He has told me before that if he wasn't my T he would be pouring me a drink and trying to get me intoxicated" This seems inappropriate to me as it suggests to me a possible seduction OR he may be responding to what you said before that.. Was this said after you were complaining about no romance in your marriage?

"He also signs off all email and text communications to me with an 'x' even though I don't return the sentiment." I have people that do that and to me the X means a kiss but I think in other countries it is a polite kind of kiss. It is not clear what they mean but I think I would not want my therapist doing that.

"He has also made a comment before that he is good in bed but said it as a joke. " I would not want my therapist to even joke about such things. To me the therapy session should be all about the client and though I do not see anything that would be clearly unethical, there is one thing that seems clear to me:

You are not comfortable with this male therapist. You might ask yourself these questions:

Is it possible to look for a woman therapist that could help me and there would not be any possible double meanings?

How much progress am I making with this therapist?

Am I happier now than when I started with this therapist?

Just in case you do not know, the therapist could have their license to practice revoked if they had an intimate relationship with a client. I wonder if any therapist would let themselves get into that jeopardy.

I think you have given examples but without the context of what you said, it is difficult to say what they may have meant. And the tone of voice can be revealing, but we hear none of that. My take is if you are not comfortable or making progress, then finding another therapist is well worth considering.

Hi, thanks so much for your reply.
The intoxicated comment was made when I was extremely upset and crying in the room, I'm not sure what he meant by it or why he thought that would help in that moment but I am also aware that I may be reading into things too much. I have made progress since starting therapy but I am finding this phase difficult to navigate due to my own feelings becoming complicated. I may just have to speak to my T about this even though the thought fills me with dread. Thank you for your detailed answer

[LonesomeTonight]

Just letting you know that I replied to this post within the Romantic Feelings for my Therapist subforum!

[Rive.]

He is not only messing with your head, he is leading you on. Unethical man. I would run from him.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by Yellowblossom

Hi, I'm in need of some advice. I've been going to therapy for about a year now and I've been seeing the same therapist for that time. I started therapy due to issues in my marriage and feelings of depression and low self esteem. My therapist and I get on very well and I feel that he does his job well. The only thing I'm struggling with is over the past few months I have began developing feelings for him. This is extremely awkward for me because he is married and over 20 years older than me. I try extremely hard to control these feelings and every time I feel I'm doing a good job of it he says or does something that pulls me straight back into this horrible place.
He constantly repeats that I am attractive and I wouldn't find it difficult to find someone else (when talking about my relationship issues) even though I have made it clear I want to work on my marriage.
He has told me before that if he wasn't my T he would be pouring me a drink and trying to get me intoxicated (not sure what was meant by that comment)
He also signs off all email and text communications to me with an 'x' even though I don't return the sentiment.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not sure if my T is just messing with my head or if this is genuine transference on my behalf. He has also made a comment before that he is good in bed but said it as a joke. He also uses examples like 'if you were my wife I would do x y z' so it's almost like hes painting this picture of himself in my head as being the perfect husband when I know that is most likely not the case in the real world. Is my therapist just a bit of a creep or is this me reading into everything because of transference?

Here's what I think. His completely inappropriate and manipulative behaviour is affecting you and getting you deeper in these feelings. he isn't "just a bit" of a creep. This is way worse than that. Please get away from this therapist ASAP.

Also, if I were you, I wouldn't want to visit a male therapist about issues with my marriage (I'm female too).

One last suggestion: maybe reflection on what makes you unsure that it isn't you to be blamed but that his behaviour is actually really bad, are his manipulations creating a fog like that for you?