Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

Yes. This. I felt this. I think the therapist bringing up their birthday once is bad enough but bringing it up twice and telling me her age twice just seemed like she wanted something. I didn't know what. So I got her something. In hopes of not having to feel whatever the heck it was I was feeling.

Good point, stopdog.

Today is my "Friday" since I took tomorrow off to clean and decorate for Dad's party. Plus my sister and family are arriving in the middle of the day. It's 9 AM and I am ready for the day to be over!

This whole episode was weird, including the part where you gave her a gift that was essentially just money and she accepted it without any qualms. That plus the selfie raises some questions about her boundaries and ethics. I would maybe suggest talking about all this with her, but I don't know if she has the personal insight or professional ability to handle it skilfully. I hate to be a downer about a therapist you're growing attached to and maybe it's nothing, but still. Yeesh.

Thank you EM. Yeah I doubt I will bring any of it up with her because I am still working on standing up for myself. I'm better with it professionally than I am in my personal life or therapeutic life. She says she can help me with the SH so I hold out hope. But so far she hasn't really helped with the SH. She did ask me if I have read books on it. Which I have. But she didn't recommend any or anything. Times like these I really miss former T who never told me her birthday (though I figured out the birthday month by other clues) and only accepted a gift from me (a small stuffed animal that was the same as the one I brought with me to therapy frequently. So she has one and I have one) at the end of our therapy together.

Hm. Maybe subconsciously I was testing T's boundaries by giving her stock (although I really couldn't figure out what other gift card to get her because she already told me she doesn't like high end fashion and I don't know what she can eat with her dentures that I guess don't fit right). And she waived the next session fee because she canceled on me late and that has been weighing on me because I didn't care that she canceled. Late or not. It was fine. It was like relief I didn't have to go to therapy that night. So maybe subconsciously I was trying to make up the therapy session cost by giving her the Amazon stock.


I do assume she will have a boundaries talk with me at some point. But it hasn't happened yet. She keeps telling me to text her in between sessions and stuff. Which I usually will once, just giving her an update, but it feels weird that she wants me to text her between sessions. Most T's are like don't contact me. Former T allowed it but she said I was in a very fragile place. But it drove me crazy when she didn't get back to me. I don't care yet if this T doesn't get back to me but I think at some point if I continue with her I will care. Sigh. Why is therapy so confusing?

Kit - Here's a story about putting yourself first and why that's important. It's kind of long, but really cute and has a good point. I keep thinking about it when I read your posts.
Take Care of Others by Taking Care of Yourself First

What a lovely story, Scarlet! Thank you for sharing it.

Yeah, I was kind of surprised that she'd accept a $50 gift. I don't think my therapist of 6 years would accept that, especially if, as you said, it's basically cash.

Thanks, Scarlet

New T Matt has been good so far. (Two sessions only + third arranged for monday)

I just jumped into the deep end. Some suff about Rob but after our first session I did email him something before which was relevant for background info for why I was reacting the way I was in a particular situation, but I told him I didn't want to discuss it in the next session at all so we didn't.


I saved the text conversations but don't want to see him reading them in real time.

Hugs, Lemon. I'm glad that he's been a good t so far.

I'm so looking forward to the zoom drum circle this evening; h left for a job a little bit ago and then a few minutes later called and said they added another stop to it, so he'll be gone for another 5 hours... so I'll have a nice quiet house for my zoom call.

Yay I'm glad you're going again. How many people take part? Is it led by a shaman too?

I was thinking maybe you could also make baby blankets or hats too for your acts of kindness?

Fox Bonnet Animal Bonnet Fox Hat Crochet Bonnet | Etsy UK

I'm sorry you had to go through that too.

Thanks Lemon! Usually there's about 6 people total, a very small group. This is a different group than the local one that I used to attend circles with; he's a shamanic practitioner who leads different workshops and anyone who takes his workshops is invited to the weekly circles. I've done 2 of his workshops and enjoyed them both so much, once we're done with overtime i'm going to take another one.

Those hats are adorable!!! Thanks for the idea, I think I may start making more of those too, to include in my drops. I love the stegasaurus one, reminds me of a halloween costume i made my son one year when he was little during his dinosaur phase - I bought a green sweatsuit and made these little triangle pillow thingies and sewed them down the back of the sweatshirt, and made a tail, too. No hat though, back then I didn't have free time for crocheting all my time away from work and household chores was spent being the best Mommy I could to my little boy! Some days it's hard to believe he is 23 now.

Kit, it weirds me out that your T has not yet gotten her dentures fixed. She is employed and presumably has the means to have them adjusted. This seems like a personal neglect type of thing to me, the same as someone going around with gnarled hair that desperately needs to be cut. Maybe I'm being too judgmental?

It makes me uncomfortable to think that she is avoiding certain types of foods, not doing video sessions, making other sacrifices and asking her clients to sacrifice the video sessions, just because... why? She doesn't want to have her dentures adjusted? I don't understand it at all.

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It sounded to me like the dentures had been at the dentist and there was some sort of delay getting them back.

The drum circle just ended, and oh wow it was a beautiful experience this evening. More than ever now I want to focus on more seamlessly blending that part of my life with the rest of it..... add a bit more of it into my everyday/workaday self.... somehow. Tonight was just precisely what I needed.

Mornin' couchies. H didn't end up getting home til almost midnight last night, and they called him this morning already at 7 with another delivery up north. I feel like I finally got some decent sleep (thanks to the drum circle, I was so relaxed after that) without staring at the ceiling for 2 hours in the middle of the night like I've been doing lately So much so that I started on our taxes this morning - well, my stuff anyways. H's self-employed stuff has to wait til he's home to help me with it!

Hugs and head nods all around as needed/wanted/appropriate.

The drum circle sounds lovely, Artie! I've thought about trying one myself--there was one that used to meet in my area before the pandemic hit, will need to see if they've resumed. And I guess also acquire a drum. Though if they had a meeting online, I could see what it's like first without the anxiety of going in person.

STOPDOG FRom the nytimes: "The coronavirus is wily..."

This is so completely random, but Dr. T said something today that I've never heard before. In talking about my daughter getting more protein in the morning (to keep her going through the day), I said how eggs would work, but that she's only sometimes into them. Or will be into them for a bit, then stop liking them. Dr. T said it seems to be a thing where you if you eat them for more than a few days in a row, they start upsetting your stomach, and you have to take a break for a bit. He said multiple clients had mentioned that to him.

But I've never heard that before, whether in my own personal experience or in various parenting groups. Has anyone else?

Also, I referenced something about Sarah Bernhardt, how H had said D was acting like her last night (acting overly dramatic) and how my mom used to say the same about me (she meant it in a negative way, so it hurt to hear H use the comparison). H's mom used to say it about his sister, too. Dr. T had no idea who I was talking about. Is she not a common cultural reference?

Hm, I feel like "random things Dr. T has said" or "cultural things about which he seems completely unaware" is sort of my version of the Info wardrobe update.

Yes it does have the same sense of the appalling! i needed the laugh, thanks LT

Laughing at myself rn. I finally gave in to the part of me that wanted to, and called L to check in. She sounded surprised and said she was happy to hear from me, and we chatted briefly. It was a nice, less-than-10-minute conversation, and it felt so good to tell her I'm feeling happy and well overall. And it was good to hear her voice again outside of my head instead of just IN my head.

(disclaimer: the following is regarding ONLY myself and my own experiences and I am only sharing that.)

I realized while we were talking that I'll never close the door on the possibility of working with her again in the future should the need arise; also that while I know that I still have work to do (who doesn't?) there are other ways that I can do it now besides traditional therapy... something I was thinking last night during the drum circle, that this shamanic work I'm doing again really does have therapeutic value for me. I mean, I've had 10 years of therapy conversations with L - I've learned a lot about how to have those conversations - and I've also had a lot of practice with this shamanic work - so I can now bring both practices together, which is kinda what I did last night. Some of that, blending of my outer life and my inner life that I so want to happen. It hit me that I'm actually settled now with living my life without traditional therapy for awhile... and while it was really nice, peaceful, talking with her on the phone today, it was a wonderful thing recognizing that I felt 0 desire to ask if I could come back to therapy.

I've never heard the egg thing. When I was pregnant, I had to eat something substantial first thing in the morning or else I'd get sick, so I had eggs for many days in a row with no issues.

I also don't know who Sarah Bernhardt is. I was thinking of the actress Sandra Bernhard, but nope. I'm sorry that your H is saying things about your D that are upsetting to you. My mom would often call me dramatic and it was code for "I don't understand you right now and I don't want to (or don't know how to) deal with your feelings."