Rejected a gift

Personally I think crystals are just pretty and that’s it. However I think the boundaries with you and the therapist probably should’ve been altered a while ago. I don’t think a Therapist should accept gifts. To me that makes the boundaries very unclear. But I understand why you are personally upset because you expected her to enjoy it as much as you or display it or something. I’m sorry you’re feeling rejected.

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Gifts are SO tricky in this context. I once gave T a mug that I’d made. It was wonky in a deliberate way but (I thought) really cool and functional. A few people at my studio had stopped to notice it. In my mind it was some kind of concrete representation of her idea that being flawed and imperfect is part of our unique something something therapist prattle. Anyway it was heartfelt and it was kind of a risk.

She wasn’t into it. She kept it on a low bookshelf in her office and never used it or took it home. I wish she’d tossed it and let me think she was using it at home. It remained directly in my line of sight, this piece of clutter in her otherwise uncluttered office, until we stopped seeing each other in person. I regretted having given it and frequently asked myself what I had been thinking.

Anyway SP. I’m sorry. I can really relate to the hurt you’re experiencing and it sucks.

I am sorry but wow, how rude of your T Favorite Jeans.

Who gives a crap if she is not into it... it is a thoughtful-heartfelt gesture from someone (not the least from her own client). She could at least be gracious about it. Aren't they supposed to be mindful of how their responses are received by clients. How painful..

These people really can do more harm than good at times (often).

Oh Im so sorry youre upset! That must feel like a big rejection because of the way your T has handled it.
I think that the lines have become a little blurred, its important to keep appropriate boundaries and that is her job.
I dont think she should accept any gifts from clients (unless theyre finished therapy with her and its a thank and goodbye gift).

I'm feeling like I now have to defend L and our relationship.

I personally think giving a small gift to a T on occasion (within reason) is ok, I don’t think that it always has to necessarily blur boundaries. I think every client/therapist relationship is unique and blanket boundaries on stuff like this are not necessarily helpful. What does cause a problem is inconsistency with those boundaries, so sometimes accepting a gift and sometimes not. That causes confusion and is bound to feel hurtful. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this, it’s not ok and she should have handled it better. I too would have felt very rejected in this scenario.

Im really sorry if my comment made you feel like this. It was certainly not meant to. I just wanted to share my opinion about gifts and boundaries.
Youve obviously got a great relationship with your T from what youve said, it doesnt make how she handled the situation you have found yourself in well. I take nothing away from your relationship though!

Oh! I wasn't responding just to your post, but to the thread.

It's just that L is not a bad therapist.

There are many kinds of therapy and many flavors of the therapeutic relationship. I have been astonished at how differently my spouse has related to her therapists compared to how I relate to mine and even how differently things are with one of my therapists compared to the other. So it's highly possible that you're getting a mix of responses here from perspectives wildly different from your own, which explains why some people are expressing something that feels like judgment to you.

I don't think L is a bad therapist. I think this is an instance where she made a mistake in terms of what she promised and it came from a place of wanting you to feel cared for and welcome in your therapy sessions. She should have considered ahead of time what would happen if you wanted something to stay in the space that she didn't. Your reasonable mind knows that she can control the office space she has rented L, but your emotion mind sees this incident as a rejection of you, your love, and your care for her. I hope the two of you can work together to understand the pain that you feel and to clarify how things will work going forward. You have been through much stickier situations with L, and I really do believe that the two of you can work through this situation too.

Hey Scarlet, she can be a good T (and reading from her on here, she does seem to be) but you know, we are all human and mess up. I think she kinda messed up here with you. It doesn't mean she is a bad therapist. Just you know, poor judgment.

Anyway, I hope this post doesn't make you feel worse..

Thanks EM! That means a lo to me.

My logical mind does know it's her space to do with what she wants. And I also believe she and I will work through this. I know this stems from my insecurities and my trauma. It just hurts.

We had a few more email exchanges last night and talked in the phone this morning. Plus I have session with her later today. She's keeping the crystal, and she's keeping it in the window for now. She says she does want to move it when she gets her office more situated, not because she wants to hide it, but because she actually wants to display it. I still worry that she's going to move it just because she doesn't want the neighbors to see it, but it's also nice that it will visible in her office.

Nope, not worse. Better

I'm learning to accept that L can be wrong. It's hard. It's not that I put her on a pedestal. It's that I minimize my own perceptions, thoughts, and feelings. And then it's hard for me when she does mess up.

But like Comrade said, she is honest. And that's what matters most.

Therapists are just regular 'ole humans. They can make mistakes and still be "good therapists". And you are also entitled to your feelings of being hurt by your T without having to denounce her entirely. Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater (or something like that).

IMO, the important thing is for a therapist to recognize mistakes, repair ruptures , and take actions to minimize and prevent the same mistakes from happening again.

There's a quote that says something like: you've survived 100% of your worst days. I kind of feel that way with L. We have survived all of our ruptures this far. I know she does take the repair process seriously. She's not flippant or into blaming.

It's just hard when we go through a rupture. And it seems we've been going through a lot of them recently. I think I'm extra sensitive because of her life events effecting me, and because we've started working on some past traumas. That's not excusing her mixed messages about the crystal. It's just me owning my part of being overly sensitive.

Hey Scarlet. I'm so sorry that happened. I would have been hurt too. It sounds like you both are already in the process of mending things, and I'm glad for that.

I'm sorry that happened to you. After you get over the rawness of the hurt, I would tell your T exactly what you told us. MAYBE you'll get a sincere apology.

So it turns out that L was just thinking random thoughts out loud. She actually doesn't mind the crystal or it's location. I guess it's a case of miscommunication? I did not feel I needed an apology. I was hurt, but she actually wasn't rejecting me or the gift.

We moved our Friday session to Thursday so I can get some good connecting and emotional presence with her since we've had a lot to deal with the past 4 months. I need the break!

Might be worth thinking about the worth you put into objects, what it means to give someone these small things. The symbolism behind the gift is more important than the actual thing you're giving, so maybe if you focus on the meaning you won't get so concerned about the object itself and what she does with it.

ETA: Personally I don't like knickknacks and small objects all that much--they might be cute or pretty but mostly they don't do much for me and dusting's a chore. I hate getting them as gifts but appreciate the thought behind it.

99% of the gifts I give her have no expectations. Seriously. She can keep them, gift them, throw them away...it's hers to do with however she sees fit. The blanket I made her, my only request was to not let clients use it. The crystal and the fairy, I wanted in the office. And I asked that if she does throw anything away, don't tell me.

I know some don't agree with allowing me to have something of mine in her space, but it was her idea when I gave her the fairy. She wants me to feel connected to the space.

We do talk about the meaning of gifts in general and their specific meanings to me. It's one of my love languages I speak. She honors that.

She gives gifts too. Not many, but a few. We also have traded her blanket for my bracelet. It's "her" blanket and "my" bracelet, we have each other's item indefinitely.

I know a lot of things between L and I might find weird or even wrong. In the beginning, I even worried about some things. But I addressed it with L, T, and even here, and now from my own experiences it has all been very beneficial to me. T supports everything L and I do, and that's very reassuring because T is a straightforward no-nonsense type of person. She's got my back.

I think your relationship with L is beautiful. Someone who has your back, who cares about you and says/shows it... beats having a neutral hurtful robot anytime.

I wouldn’t be upset over weather or not she displayed it. Her excuse totally sets me off. “It misrepresents me”?! What!!! I am really into crystals and have an extensive collection… it can still be just a rock. I gave Pdoc a lithium quartz when she was being super moody… she laughed. I stopped seeing her for several years and the first thing she said to me when I went back was “I still have that rock you gave me” it wasn’t her style, it was a bit out of line BUT… she embraced the intention. She is important to me and I care about her…
To respond to a gift given with good intentions with “it misrepresents me”… OUCH! To me it feels rejecting of not only the gift, the intention behind the gift but also it feels personal.