Rejected a gift

I have given L tons of gifts over the 3 years we've been together. I recently gave her a small selenite crystal to put into the window of her new office. It's supposed to reflect good energy into the room. She says she doesn't like it there basically because she feels if people see it, it misrepresents her because she isn't into crystals. It's only like 3 inches tall, it's between the blinds and window so you can't see it from the inside. From the outside, there's bushes, and you wouldn't know it's her office unless you've been in the building (so her neighbors wouldn't know it's hers). She says the space is ours, but is rejecting something very little of me in the space. I also gave her a little garden fairy like 2 years ago which she keeps in a pot. Why is the fairy okay, but not the rock? She's not into fairies...

I'm devastated and feel rejected. I don't want to see her or talk to her. It's a very little crystal... And you know what! She did give me a crystal to hang in my room...

I think it is disingenuous of her to describe the space as your collective space. My therapist sometimes does this and I correct her. It isn't my space, it is her space. It's her work space and she invites clients into it. For the time that clients pay, the space might be shared between client and therapist but that is a very limited frame. If it is my space, can I decide what rug is in there? Can I declutter it? Repaint? It is ludicrous to suggest that the client has any meaningful ownership over the space. This is accentuated in my case because she works from a room in her house.

Anyway, I guess this is part of the risk of gift giving and, more broadly speaking, the risk we take when we offer something of ourselves to someone else. It is potentially very painful, especially if we have relational wounds. At least she is being honest with you, even if you don't like what she is saying.

Very true. Honesty first!

And yet, when I gave it to her, she still put it in the window. Now she regrets it. I told her just to get rid of it. It's a stupid $8 rock that was just meant to welcome in the new space. It's more about the rejection. I also told her to get rid of everything else I've given her that isn't congruent with her.

I don't understand her logic. Some gifts she will accept (and *has* been accepting for years) and others she won't? Especially since it will be hidden, so she wouldn't even advertise herself as a crystal fiend. Sounds pretty hypocritical..

I'm just going to throw this out there in case it's helpful.

Some see crystals as spiritual in nature. You T may or may not be a spiritual or religious person, I don't know, I don't know her, or she doesn't want to advertise that she is or isn't to her clients. For example, she may or may not be the type of T to put a crucifix up on the wall or a Buddha in the waiting room. To have a crystal out even though it is not in a conspicuous place may "put off" other clients who do not share that spiritual aspect. So *maybe* (just guessing) she may be trying to hold space for clients with different spiritual/religious backgrounds and doesn't want to put up anything that is incongruent with her therapist persona. Just a thought. I know I could be wrong.


You said that the gift was rejected. Try to remember that. She isn't rejecting you. She is rejecting the crystal. I know that doesn't really help and I'm sorry. HUGS. Kit

I would assume she's thinking about other clients rather than her neighbors. And maybe thinking they'll assume she's into woo woo crystal healing or whatever. Instead of just seeing it as something pretty.

I would be hurt, too.

Imagine if everybody rejected gifts that didn't "represent them." Kind of silly to me. It's not like you gave her a political poster to hang on her wall.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. This would upset me as well. Especially because she accepted it at first. I also think crystals are a pretty common thing and wouldn't necessarily suggest she was into them unless she had a whole display. It's not like, say, you were trying to get her to display a crucifix when she's Jewish. Plus, like you said, it wouldn't even be on display. I hope you're able to work through it.

I've only given my T one thing for his office, a small shell that I found on the beach. I asked him if it would be OK to add to his small sand tray thing, and he said yes, as long as he found it to be "aesthetically pleasing" (so he could have refused it, though, I mean, it was a small white shell--what could possibly be offensive about it?).

It's not being displayed though. The window is in a corner on opposite side of the room of the couch. The desk and her chair are also in the corner. The crystal is in the corner of the window. It literally cannot be seen unless you know what to look for. It's also white, 3 inches tall and maybe an inch width. And yes, she's worried about her neighbors; not just her clients...

Hm...going with some other comments, is it possible she has issues with it for religious or spiritual reasons?

I suppose it is her room and she can decide what she keeps in it for whatever reason she wants, understandable to others or not. In am interested in whether she told you unprompted that she wouldn't keep the crystal in her room or whether she was responding to you asking a question about the whereabouts of the crystal. If the former, I would interpret that as her being deliberately provocative.

Sorry Scarlet. I would probably be crushed if I were you. I hope you can work through it with your T. I know you have had ruptures before. I think you can work through this. It may just take some time.


I gifted my T some stock for her birthday. She said thank you and ran with it. Who knows. T's are weird.


HUGS if wanted. Kit

I'm sorry your T did not want to hang the crystal in her office. Did she "reject" the gift by returning it to you or just taking it out of the window? I am not judging, but as it was given as a gift, it is really up to her what to do with it. Seeing as she has accepted gifts from you in the past, I am sure she receives quite a few gifts from all of her clients. If she displayed them all in her office, I can see where this would become a problem. In this case, she appears to not want to impact the needs of other clients. Therapists are always advised to keep their office decorated in a neutral manner so as not to distract clients. I for one, notice everything in my T office. I used to sell custom window coverings and I notice EVERYTHING on windows. I have commented on the fact that I don't like one of my T pictures on the wall, or point out that another one is crooked, or his drawer is ajar. It is a bit strange that she said the office "is ours." While you share the space when you are in session, it is her office that she pays for and decorates as she chooses. Maybe just agree that she accept the gift but not put it in her office.

Im sorry that happened. It sounds really confusing and hurtful.

Just my 2 cents-

This would hurt my feelings quite a bit...especially since she has accepted other gifts. I also don't see how a small crystal in a window (behind the blinds) is going to give off a weird and/or spiritual vibe to other clients. That is a little far-fetched. My T has all sorts of weird stuff in her office. I just assume that most of it came from other clients as gifts. I'm not really a crystal person either, but a few small crystals in a window would definitely not cause me to question my T's theoretical orientation.

Of course, at the end of the day, it's her office and she can do what she wants in there. However, if she's going to be so careful of other clients' feelings and perceptions around crystals- then she should be equally as careful with her gifting (feelings around accepting/rejecting) when it comes to you!

Good Posting InkyBooky.

I especially liked the part where you said she should be equally careful with her gifting when it comes to the OP!

I would probably be one of those people who--may this be judgy of me or not--could not see a T who had crystals. I could see a T that had a Buddha or other religious/spiritual things displayed but I would probably draw the line at a crystal. That's just me and my own orientation and what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with. Maybe T has a client like me who she knows would not handle it well and wants to keep the safe space safe for all. But she should have done so in a way that was better for OP. She didn't handle it well.


If I were the OP though I would be hurt and would want a more detailed explanation why T wouldn't accept my gift. Or accepted it and then didn't. Not really sure what happened there.


I would be very upset if it happened to me. I could see why Scarlet is devastated and feeling rejected.

I do understand why you are upset. But i also understand where she is coming from.

I think if you were her only client then I don’t see a problem but if she has other clients, she is apprehensive about things like that. I think if I was a therapist I personally wouldn’t reject it, but I’d say I’d rather take it home, but in my home it’s my business what I do with it.

Also you believe in some kind of power crystal had or energies or what not but she doesn’t. It’s like if people gave me a cross. I’d not want to be disrespectful but I am not Christian and don’t want crosses on my window even if hidden behind the curtain. Just because others believe it should be there and isn’t visible, it doesn’t mean I want it there at all

It’s goofy of her to say the place is “ours”, doesn’t she have other clients?

Having said that, she could definitely handle it better.

Good points, indeed! Thanks for that

Perhaps it has something to do with her religion. For example my daughter and I are Christian. She puts a lot of focus on crystals healing properties and its not my cup of tea. Same as with the Tarot cards she plays with.

I know some people have strong reaction to things like crystals. I think there is a lot of silliness around them but it wouldn't bother me - I already deeply believe therapists are batshit crazy and inconsistent at the best of times - at least with a crystal one might guess at some of the craziness if one were interested in the therapist. I don't consider it the same thing as a crucifix or buddha. I consider crosses to be only religious and of a religion I do not think much of. The buddha I would see more as hey whatever - a lot of non-buddhists I know have buddhas for some unknown reason. I even have a piece of religious art in the form of a kneeling angel candle holder - a friend of my mother's sent it to me after my mom died because it was something my grandmother gave mom's friend when friend's mother died. So I am a tad sentimental about it. I see grandmother and mom -not a religious symbol of the questionable institution they tried to induct me into.
But I would not like people who don't know me giving me things for my office. That would kind of put me off. I wouldn't be thrilled even if a friend gave me something unless they knew I wanted it. I consider gifts from strangers to be a bit burdensome

I actually don't believe completely that crystals have energy. I don't believe in "charging" them or using them to "cleanse", or that they have healing properties, etc. I just like their beauty and their meanings. It is just one crystal... not like a shrine or something.

I talked to her a little through email. It doesn't sound like she's worried about her clients. She's worried about her neighbors...

Therapists create problems when they don't keep solid boundaries.. I am sorry this has happened to you. Hope you can get past this in a good way for yourself.

Why is she so worried about her neighbors? About having one crystal in her window? I do find this very odd.

Yeah, I think her worrying about the neighbors is completely bizarre. Seems kind of egotistical to assume her neighbors will notice, let alone care. I hardly ever notice anything in other peoples' windows. In fact, the only thing that comes to mind is seeing cats hanging out and I probably wouldn't notice them if I didn't like cats.

She maybe has other reasons and just didn’t want you to get upset (maybe you get upset when she talks about other clients?) so she makes up something about neighbors . At the same time if she didn’t want you to be upset she could just hide a crystal and then put it out when you are there. But it’s crazy making

I think overall it sounds that you gave a gift of something that’s important to you (a giver) and you want a receiver to use it in some particular fashion. People get gifts they don’t like all the time but since you come to her office she now must have it on display. And why was a gift given? Is it her birthday?

Did you tell her it must be in the office? I just don’t get it why wouldn’t she just take it home and do whatever with it. You’d not know. Or did you tell her she has to have it in the office?

Much of this therapy seems to be revolving around drama with the therapist. In a way situations with therapists could help practicing real life situations but it’s not really real life situation (in a sense of mimicking what happens in relationship with other people). You are now very dependent on her and more drama creates more dependency. I don’t like where it’s all going