[justbreathe1994]

I was hoping to get some input on some thing that my new T has said that have made me uncomfortable. Some of it is hard to describe without going into a ton of detail, but I hope I can express it clearly.

I am in school studying to become a therapist. One of the conversations with my new T has been about my “walls.” She says that I put off a kind of anxious energy that she picks up on. She said that my future clients might pick up on it too. She read a letter to ex T and pointed out that I had a “rich internal world” that I don’t portray face to face. I felt insecure by these comments because while I do have social anxiety, I felt sort of criticized by her and that she’s judging me. It also makes me insecure for when I see clients some day. I also feel like I’m much more anxious in therapy where I’m expected to be super vulnerable than I’d necessarily be on the other side of the couch.

The other thing is she has brought up weight since I’ve struggled with an eating disorder in the past. I told her I adopted the “health at every size philosophy,” basically my view of that being I focus more on how my body feels, rather than focusing on a certain number. I told her I still value my health of course and that doesn’t mean I don’t care about what I am putting into my body. She nodded in agreement and said, “Yeah, I mean we shouldn’t be like Lizzo.” It’s not that I think Lizzo is either healthy or unhealthy, but I am sensitive to others’ comments on bodies and this made me really uncomfortable. All in all, I guess I just feel a pretty judgemental vibe from her and I’m not sure if my feelings are valid. My previous T felt much more encouraging and accepting than this new T. I never felt judged by previous T or that I needed to act a certain way (I.e. not anxious). Am I being too oversensitive with new T’s comments?

[Waterbear]

I can't work out from your post whether this is your own personal therapy or some form of supervision for your work/study as a therapist. If it is your own personal therapy I think these comments are quite pointed. If it is supervision, I think these aspects might be good to fully explore....

[LonesomeTonight]

I'd be bothered by both of those comments. I know I also put off some "nervous energy." The other day, I mentioned to my T how I know I probably seemed really anxious, and he said, "You seem normal to me." I said how maybe I always came off as that anxious then? And he said, "It's one of your 'normals'." I think he's just used to it.

I say that in part because you mentioned how this is a new T. She may be picking up on this now because you're a new client, so she's trying to get a read on what your "normal" is (so that she'd be able to notice if you were acting differently from that). And it can be helpful to point out how a client might seem to the outside world. This is something my T seems into, to let me know how others might experience me, which has led to some conflicts and insecurity on my part (and to my asking, say, my H or a friend if certain things bother them--in those cases, my T was wrong, so it caused some unnecessary angst). But it has also been helpful in some ways and led to some positive changes for me.

However, I don't think she should have mentioned that your future clients could be affected by it. First, as you said, how you present yourself in your own therapy is different from how you'd be as a therapist, on the other side of the couch. I think of, say, people who might have social anxiety at a party but are perfectly fine giving a presentation in front of others (I fit that category). Also, even if you *did* come across that way to your clients, most probably either wouldn't notice or wouldn't be bothered by it. And if some of them have a similar energy themselves, they might actually feel *more* comfortable. I would say my former marriage counselor had a bit of a nervous energy (he said he had an anxiety disorder), and that made me feel more at ease in a way because I also have anxiety.

As for the internal world comment, I'm not sure she meant that as something negative, more an observation. I also have quite a bit going on in my head that I don't tend to share much (aside from, say, on here or with my T). I think it can be common. Was she encouraging you to share it more with others, maybe?

Weight is such a complex topic. I'd definitely be offended by her comment regarding how we shouldn't be like Lizzo. Would you feel like you could bring that up with her, how it bothered you? Does she know you've had an eating disorder in the past?

[Oliviab]

Oof. Her comment about Lizzo was way out of line. Lizzo (and everyone!) has a right to exist and inhabit their bodies and take up space.

Her comments about you giving off anxious energy and the impact on your clients might have some merit in it, but that is beside the point. She is not taking into account that it's WAY different being a therapist than a client and more importantly, that it's not her place to be talking to you about that. As your therapist, she is not in an evaluative role of your performance as a (future) therapist. That is for your professors and supervisors to consider and work with you of it's even an issue. She needs to stay in her lane.

[Rive.]

I think she is letting you know how you might be perceived by others - in your case, your future clients. It is good awareness to have in working with clients.

As for the weight issue, numbers do matter especially in terms of health. One might 'feel' good but health-wise it might not be a good or sufficient enough indicator.

So I don't find anything 'wrong' with what she said. Quite the opposite.

[stopdog]

I would just set some boundaries - weight is off the table for example and if the woman brought it up again -tell her you aren't going to discuss it, ignore it and go on with what you want to do, or simply walk out and pay a pro-rated amount for the minutes you were there. Clients don't have to put up with whatever agenda a mere therapist has. Therapists do NOT get to pick what a client wants to talk about.

[Just42dayK]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

I felt sort of criticized by her and that she’s judging me. It also makes me insecure for when I see clients some day.

...this made me really uncomfortable. All in all, I guess I just feel a pretty judgemental vibe from her and I’m not sure if my feelings are valid.

Your feelings are valid.

Trust your instincts. If you think these are issues they are. It could be worth talking about to them.

While your opinion is what matters most, I am not a fan of a Therapist being that much in the room especially at the beginning of treatment. Even if it's an attempt to help if it's too soon Ts possible good intention could be lost if they don't know you well enough.

[justbreathe1994]

Thanks you guys. I appreciate the validation. Do you think it’s worth bringing up these thing to her now after the fact? Often when I’m triggered, it’s difficult for me to bring it up in the moment.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think it's definitely worth bringing up now. Especially the weight topic, as that seems like something that could come up again. Though the other ones are worth bringing up, too, to get clarification on what she meant.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think its worth bringing up later.

That sounds really unacceptably fat-phobic to me. Also sounds like she’s delving into something that’s well-outside the competency of most therapists. Would she be so bold as to comment on your bloodwork or radiology report? Weight is just as medical and just because everyone fancies themselves to be some kind of dietician because of something authoritative-sounding they read in cosmo… doesn’t mean they know anything worth listening to.

Weight/eating is not a problem area for me but the Lizzo comment still might be a dealbreaker for me. It’s just so full of casual contempt that it would likely break my trust.

As for how you might come across to future clients, isn’t that something you (will) get extensive feedback about through role-plays, recorded sessions and supervision? Isn’t therapy a space where you just get to be however you are without criticism?

[Quietmind 2]

Ugh, she sounds really out of her lane. She's not your clinical supervisor, she's supposed to be non judgmental as your therapist. Her comment on Lizzo is really gross.

Regarding anxiety in a therapist, knowing my current T was anxious about meeting me for our first session (her colleague referred me to her) actually built rapport. It's a different kind of anxiety even when you're anxious as a therapist.

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

I was hoping to get some input on some thing that my new T has said that have made me uncomfortable. Some of it is hard to describe without going into a ton of detail, but I hope I can express it clearly.

I am in school studying to become a therapist. One of the conversations with my new T has been about my “walls.” She says that I put off a kind of anxious energy that she picks up on. She said that my future clients might pick up on it too. She read a letter to ex T and pointed out that I had a “rich internal world” that I don’t portray face to face. I felt insecure by these comments because while I do have social anxiety, I felt sort of criticized by her and that she’s judging me. It also makes me insecure for when I see clients some day. I also feel like I’m much more anxious in therapy where I’m expected to be super vulnerable than I’d necessarily be on the other side of the couch.

The other thing is she has brought up weight since I’ve struggled with an eating disorder in the past. I told her I adopted the “health at every size philosophy,” basically my view of that being I focus more on how my body feels, rather than focusing on a certain number. I told her I still value my health of course and that doesn’t mean I don’t care about what I am putting into my body. She nodded in agreement and said, “Yeah, I mean we shouldn’t be like Lizzo.” It’s not that I think Lizzo is either healthy or unhealthy, but I am sensitive to others’ comments on bodies and this made me really uncomfortable. All in all, I guess I just feel a pretty judgemental vibe from her and I’m not sure if my feelings are valid. My previous T felt much more encouraging and accepting than this new T. I never felt judged by previous T or that I needed to act a certain way (I.e. not anxious). Am I being too oversensitive with new T’s comments?

For clarification: this therapist is a personal therapist that you see for yourself? She/He is not your clinical supervisor in your psychology program?

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by Motts

For clarification: this therapist is a personal therapist that you see for yourself? She/He is not your clinical supervisor in your psychology program?

Yes, she is my personal therapist.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

One of the conversations with my new T has been about my “walls.”

Walls like? I've been told about walls too and I've realised since then that it was just them putting their own expectations on me and blaming me for not meeting them. If I were you, I would be very suspicious of being told that.

[Fuzzybear]

I was also told about walls by a therapist and that my walls were ''too high''....

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Yes, she is my personal therapist.

Since she is not a therapist involved in your academic program towards your own licensure, then she can't effect your participation in your training to become a therapist.

Why do you continue to see a therapist who is actually displaying toxic behavior to you - her patient?

She is the antithesis of what a therapist's role is based on her behavior of being so judgmental and boundary crossing with you.

Please reconsider seeing her for emotional support for your issues. She sounds like a terrible person, actually. You can find a therapist who has better boundaries, who doesn't openly judge or shame you for your beliefs, values, appearance, etc. A good therapist doesn't do those things to his/her patient.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

First, as you said, how you present yourself in your own therapy is different from how you'd be as a therapist, on the other side of the couch.

I can't speak to OP specifically, but I can't help but think this sort of belief explains why there appear to be no shortage of therapists who harm clients due to their own issues. I'm not saying therapists have to be perfect, just that I think it's too easy to say being the therapist would be different and no accountability if/when it proves not to be the case.

OP, I don't know why your therapist said that to you and it seems kind of passive aggressive to me. I don't really think it's her role to make comments like that and I actually think she should be more careful to avoid coming across like a supervisor because that would be a dual relationship. Not to mention something you didn't even sign up for.

She comes across as an absolute idiot with the Lizzo comment. It's like she missed the entire point of what you said.

I gather that all therapists are nervous when they start seeing clients and imposter syndrome seems to be the norm. I think I'd be more worried if you had no anxiety. That said, this therapist seems to be full of all sorts of unsolicited and inappropriate remarks (didn't she tell you how she was attracted to another client?), so I would probably disregard anything she says you don't like. Of course, then you have to wonder if it's worth seeing somebody whose opinion you value so little.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I can't speak to OP specifically, but I can't help but think this sort of belief explains why there appear to be no shortage of therapists who harm clients due to their own issues. I'm not saying therapists have to be perfect, just that I think it's too easy to say being the therapist would be different and no accountability if/when it proves not to be the case.

OP, I don't know why your therapist said that to you and it seems kind of passive aggressive to me. I don't really think it's her role to make comments like that and I actually think she should be more careful to avoid coming across like a supervisor because that would be a dual relationship. Not to mention something you didn't even sign up for.

She comes across as an absolute idiot with the Lizzo comment. It's like she missed the entire point of what you said.

I gather that all therapists are nervous when they start seeing clients and imposter syndrome seems to be the norm. I think I'd be more worried if you had no anxiety. That said, this therapist seems to be full of all sorts of unsolicited and inappropriate remarks (didn't she tell you how she was attracted to another client?), so I would probably disregard anything she says you don't like. Of course, then you have to wonder if it's worth seeing somebody whose opinion you value so little.

Thanks for that. I sometimes struggle to remember interactions verbatim. To her credit, I think maybe the therapist was trying to be somewhat validating since she was responding to me saying that I still value my health. However, this was an opinion she offered that was ultimately very triggering.