[justbreathe1994]

Was this letter to my old T too vulnerable? She hasn’t responded yet, and even though I told her she didn’t need to, I am still kind of hoping she will because I’m starting to spiral about what she think of it. In the letter, “Ex T” is referring to the therapist I had before her who blurred boundaries.

Hi T,

I know you have probably started your maternity leave and I’m not looking for a response or anything. I just had some thoughts that came up after our last session and I wanted to send you an email. I hope that’s okay with you - again, please don’t feel any pressure to respond. I went back and forth about whether to send this, so I hope it’s okay ~

Over the years, I’ve noticed it’s sometimes hard to be vulnerable with you because you know my history - I don’t want to come across as too intense or too grateful because I am afraid it will make you worried i am putting you on the same pedestal as Ex T.

I’ve been a little sad since our last session because I felt like I had my walls up. It felt like the session went by really fast. I don’t know what I wanted to say exactly and I don’t know if there’s anything specific I want to say right now. Maybe I just wanted to acknowledge that the transition will be hard for me, but I know I can do it. I know it’s not “goodbye,” and that’s probably why I don’t know how to feel or what to say. I do feel grief going from every week to checking in every once in awhile. It’s hard not having the security of seeing you every week - and now that I am a former client who still meets with you when I’m home from school every once in a while, and you wre also going on maternity leave, I don’t really know what to expect. Like I know I can still text you every now and then, but I don’t want to bother you. I don’t know how you’ll perceive it and I don’t want to be annoying. Obviously, I want to grow and challenge myself, so I’m feeling anxious I won’t know if It’s an appropriate time to reach out or not. I hope you’ll tell me if it’s not.

I think everything I said in my letter to Kristen still feels true. I feel protective of the work we’ve done together, but I know the transition won’t break my heart. I didn’t think that was possible with a therapist. I didn’t think I could open up too someone and not grow dependent on the connection. Deep down, I know I don’t need the connection to be okay, but the thought of losing the connection still makes me sad.

I emailed this to Ex T right after she left:

“I hate myself. Utterly hate myself. I know that is a statement thrown around quite often, but it couldn’t feel more accurate in this moment. I hate myself with such passion that I have neglected eating and only brush my teeth so that other people didn’t feel disgusted around me. Disgusting. I am disgusting.”

I wanted to share it because it’s surreal to look back and remember exactly how I felt in that moment and contrast it with how I feel about my life now. Thank you for helping me make it out. You provided a space where I felt fully accepted - no judgement, no hidden agenda. I hope to be to my future clients the therapist you were to me.

Sincerely,
Me

[LonesomeTonight]

I don't think it's too vulnerable. When did you send it, and when did she start her maternity leave? If she just had a baby (or is preparing to have one, like if she's due soon), she likely doesn't have that much time to read and reply to emails, so if she's going to respond (and I'd hope she'd at least acknowledge receipt in some way), it may take her some time. I don't think it's anything personal, but just lots of life stuff going on right now. Also, if she has a separate work email address, it's possible she's taking a break from checking it for a bit, so she may not have even read it yet.

You did say she didn't need to respond, and I know some T's will take that at face value (mine likely would, for example--so I know if I want some sort of response, even just acknowledgment of receipt, I shouldn't say that). I'm saying that in case she is the sort who would think "OK, she's just updating me and said I don't have to respond, so I'll take her at her word."

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you--I'm sure it would be for me as well. Hugs, if wanted.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't think it's too vulnerable (either)

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I don't think it's too vulnerable. When did you send it, and when did she start her maternity leave? If she just had a baby (or is preparing to have one, like if she's due soon), she likely doesn't have that much time to read and reply to emails, so if she's going to respond (and I'd hope she'd at least acknowledge receipt in some way), it may take her some time. I don't think it's anything personal, but just lots of life stuff going on right now. Also, if she has a separate work email address, it's possible she's taking a break from checking it for a bit, so she may not have even read it yet.

You did say she didn't need to respond, and I know some T's will take that at face value (mine likely would, for example--so I know if I want some sort of response, even just acknowledgment of receipt, I shouldn't say that). I'm saying that in case she is the sort who would think "OK, she's just updating me and said I don't have to respond, so I'll take her at her word."

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you--I'm sure it would be for me as well. Hugs, if wanted.

Thank you. I sent it to her last night and I think she started her maternity leave today (but I think she said she might be working a little next week so I’m not sure). I wish I hadn’t included the part about not needing a response, but in the moment I really didn’t want to bother her.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Was this letter to my old T too vulnerable?

I think only you can tell that because everyone is different with what's too vulnerable for them in terms of opening up too much, plus the relationship dynamics matters too, do you have any gut feelings about it?

She hasn’t responded yet, and even though I told her she didn’t need to, I am still kind of hoping she will because I’m starting to spiral about what she think of it.

I just want to say that ok, this does sound like you took a risk that's out of your comfort zone, which can be totally okay if you think it's okay, but I do also want to say, I don't understand what makes you feel like it was a big risk if you had a lot of therapy with her where you already talked about intimate stuff like this.

So like what made you think that you might bother her with it. I think if she's a decent human being at all then she wouldn't be bothered let alone annoyed (!) by any of the things that you wrote or may write in future if they would be anything like this letter. The stuff you wrote is totally fine.

So like....Did anything ever happen before where she behaved that way, bothered, annoyed? Or is this depression, anxiety talking, etc? (Don't have to answer here, just putting this out there for you to think about it. But if you want to say more, feel free to)

Over the years, I’ve noticed it’s sometimes hard to be vulnerable with you because you know my history - I don’t want to come across as too intense or too grateful because I am afraid it will make you worried i am putting you on the same pedestal as Ex T.

I mean did she ever say anything that clearly indicated that she would have thoughts or concerns like that?

What I personally really dislike and find insulting is if someone assumes too fast that I'm so overly invested in them just because I like seeing them, or am attentive or caring about them.... It always just makes me think such people are covert narcissists or have such traits. Like they secretly want to think of themselves as having such great qualities that others would be grovelling in front of them like that.

If your therapist was so great and is a decent human being at all then she shouldn't really get worried like that, like I mean I understand if a therapist wants to make sure this doesn't happen, for your own benefit obviously, but something in the way you put this is so "off" to me. "Too intense", "too grateful", like why would she make criticisms like that of your self-expression? Or are these your own self-criticism?

After being around some "friends" that got at my self-expression in subtle or even gaslighty ways....I feel like I get hyperaware of things like this.

I’ve been a little sad since our last session because I felt like I had my walls up.

Totally just my own personal question if you don't mind (out of personal interest in the topic in general)....What do you call being your walls up?

I know it’s not “goodbye,” and that’s probably why I don’t know how to feel or what to say.

I mean there is no such thing as "how to feel". You feel whatever way you feel (or not feel) and that's fine (not feeling is also fine!!).

and now that I am a former client who still meets with you when I’m home from school every once in a while, and you wre also going on maternity leave, I don’t really know what to expect. Like I know I can still text you every now and then, but I don’t want to bother you. I don’t know how you’ll perceive it and I don’t want to be annoying. Obviously, I want to grow and challenge myself, so I’m feeling anxious I won’t know if It’s an appropriate time to reach out or not. I hope you’ll tell me if it’s not.

Just my suggestion but you could just ask her what frequency and timing of contact is okay for her.

You provided a space where I felt fully accepted - no judgement, no hidden agenda.

If this is true, (again) why be concerned that you might bother or annoy her now? Worth considering perhaps (again). I hope some of what I wrote helps. I wish you luck to getting over your vulnerability hangover.