[Mountaindewed]

I've been getting some mixed messages from my therapist regarding my appointment this week. We had agreed our sessions for the summer would be Wednesdays at 10:45. Then suddenly she switched it to Tuesday at 10 without telling me. I couldnt make it so I emailed her on Monday and I told her I was confused and thought we had agreed to Wednesdays. She wasn't emailing me back so I called the office so I wouldnt get charged. I thought I was just confused. Then last night she emailed me and asked if I wanted to reschedule for today. So I said yeah I was open anytime. So she said how about 10:30. Which is the time we have always met before. So then I was confused and thought maybe she was screwing with me a bit but again I didnt think much of it.

So I got to the office today and I'm waiting and then I guess its the practice manager comes over and she is steaming mad and says my therapist can't make it and what she is doing is totally unacceptable and shes done this before and she did sound really sick but its just totally unacceptable. Then she said the lady who I'm having the consultation with on Friday has agreed to take me on as a full client because they are just so pissed at whatever it is my therapist did. And I'm just like in a complete daze because like did my therapist talk badly about me or something? They said something about her being sick too. But man I havent seen someone get that pissed in a long time.

But I mean its like did I seriously just get abandoned by my therapist.. they are going to get back to me if she will be at the consultation on Friday. She was supposed to be meeting me with this therapist. I mean I kinda always knew I'd get thrown under the bus by this therapist and this wasn't going to be just a one time consultation so I guess thats why I'm not a hystreical mess right now. Although an email from my therapist explaning things would be nice but she hasn't emailed me.

[Deejay14]

I don't believe it is abandonement. They made sure you have an appointment on Friday.. It sounds to me like the therapist broke some rule and pissed off some people. Hope this all works out for you!

[SlumberKitty]

Wow, Mountaindewed. That sounds like a lot! I wouldn't know what to think. It doesn't sound very professional of the practice manager to tell you all of that, but sometimes people just gotta vent I suppose. Has this T been particularly flaky in the past? I hope the consultation on Friday goes well. HUGS if desired, Kit

[Mountaindewed]

Shes constantly late. She has made some iffy comments before about me being "pretty" passable as a transgender man. She made a comment one time about my eyes not looking like a guys that really upset me. Overall we got along decently. My issues haven't been mental health lately which is why I haven't been finding her all that helpful. My consultation on Friday was with her and that other therapist and it was about my possible eating disorder. My therapist had stressed to me it was just a one time thing. I don't know I'm waiting to hear back from the office if my therapist will be there Friday or if its just going to be me and this possible new therapist.

[unaluna]

Wow. We dont expect ts to act so irrationally about appointment times! Sounds like she doesnt know how to handle it. There are probably a lot of things going that are beyond her ability.

One thing youve said that has stood out to me is, you dont want input from her on this or that area (like food choices?). I think this would interfere with her feeling like she is providing you good therapy. Like, how does she hold herself responsible when you say, i dont want to discuss this with you. She cant say, we will look at everything except X, and then X blows up your life, and she's like, oh well, we werent talking about that, not my problem! KWIM? This would apply to anything, like some / many? ts won't take on a client who is actively using substances. Or how you cant go back to the same t after an attempt. Its not abandonment, its that whatever they are doing is not helping.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Wow. We dont expect ts to act so irrationally about appointment times! Sounds like she doesnt know how to handle it. There are probably a lot of things going that are beyond her ability.

One thing youve said that has stood out to me is, you dont want input from her on this or that area (like food choices?). I think this would interfere with her feeling like she is providing you good therapy. Like, how does she hold herself responsible when you say, i dont want to discuss this with you. She cant say, we will look at everything except X, and then X blows up your life, and she's like, oh well, we werent talking about that, not my problem! KWIM? This would apply to anything, like some / many? ts won't take on a client who is actively using substances. Or how you cant go back to the same t after an attempt. Its not abandonment, its that whatever they are doing is not helping.

I don't know. I remember asking her what kind of candy she liked and she snapped at me and said "you do not need to know that sir" but we do talk about food. But I am being told what happened today is not my fault and I did nothing wrong. Everything was on her she did something she shouldnt have. I'm not sure what but it was on her today.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm just like wondering if my therapist was being rude or deragotory or whatever about me to her supervisor and said something bad or unproffesional that set management off and thats why this other therapist immediatly agreed to take me on as a full time client. I don't know.

[LonesomeTonight]

Ugh, I wouldn't be sure what to make of that either! I can't believe she would just abandon you like this without at least some sort of communication directly to you, whether an email, text, phone call. Maybe she's sick and just waited until late to let them know, and that's what they're annoyed about? I'm hoping it's just something with her being sick or having messed up her schedule and that she'll either be there Friday or at the very least have another session with you to discuss the ending. Or maybe she isn't planning to end it, but something else is going on with her?

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Maybe she's sick and just waited until late to let them know, and that's what they're annoyed about?

That's what it sounded like to me. Honestly, this therapist doesn't sound like she's a good fit for you. Hopefully this other person you have scheduled will work better.

[*Beth*]

WTseriousF?

You're handling this way better than I would, Md. I have a few not-nice words to describe your t. Since I don't want to involve a mod, I'll just call her a flake. I wish I could advise you as to what she's doing, but her behavior is just really confusing. That the staff reacted the way they did kind-of tells me that she's done this before...i.e., gotten "sick" at the last minute and left them holding the bag.

Been there. The situation sounds all too familiar to me.

Please do not hold yourself responsible for any of what has happened. This one sounds like a loser with issues. I really hope your Friday consultation goes well and that you can establish with that t.

[Mountaindewed]

She never did email me. How can a therapist just do that.. I had a ton of stuff going on already and now I have this to deal with. I just need to get through today and then just see what happens tommorow. This is just like making me feel very confused about a lot of things.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

She never did email me. How can a therapist just do that.. I had a ton of stuff going on already and now I have this to deal with. I just need to get through today and then just see what happens tommorow. This is just like making me feel very confused about a lot of things.

She sounds like a serious loser with major personal issues. I'm sorry you got stuck with her, Md. Hopefully your new t will be helpful for you.

[Quietmind 2]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Shes constantly late. She has made some iffy comments before about me being "pretty" passable as a transgender man. She made a comment one time about my eyes not looking like a guys that really upset me.

Omg, the iffy comments are really not professional of her, ffs. My T isn't familiar with gender stuff but she's always respectful and affirming of cis and trans patients alike.

It's none of her business on how well you pass or not, (in my opinion) unless you are discussing it with her due to it being relevant. Eg, you might want to pass for safety.

Or in my case, I need to pass as my assigned gender everywhere in my life, as looking more masculine (even without HRT) vastly increases risks to my safety in a bunch of major ways due to where I live.

Plus she's chronically late and flaky? Wow, ugh.

[Mountaindewed]

I met with the other one on Friday and she seemed promising and was older then my other T. I know the age thing bothered me a lot. She seemed incredibly eager to work with me. So I agreed to see her. I mean I can't say much after just one session. But I didn't get any bad vibes the way I did with the last 3 therapists I saw. But man was she pissed at my last T. She was even more mad that I felt like I did something wrong. She said what my T did was completely unproffesional. She said a couple things that sounded like possible digs at my other therapist. Like how she encourages emails between sessions and doesn't charge for them and how she is always on time. My other T didn't really do emails and would charge for them although she never charged me. Then there was the constantly late thing she was always doing. I didn't tell her much about the iffy comments since I didn't want to get her into any more trouble. But she just already knew about some things. Maybe they werent so much as digs but her trying to reassure me she'd be there for me. I see her again on Wednesday and I've avoided emailing her because I only want to do that if I really need to. But yeah she seems promising. Totally non judgemental about me. Kinda a blank slate but also an open book at the same time. It was a nice mix and a good age difference.

[LonesomeTonight]

The new T does sound promising--I really hope she works out for you and is helpful and consistent (and non-judgmental). I wonder if she's also taken on some other past clients of your (now-ex?) T, so she already knows about some of her shortcomings?

[Quietmind 2]

The new T sounds promising. Hopefully she'll be a better fit for your needs.

[Mountaindewed]

It was a bit odd but I could see in her eyes how much she wanted to work with me. We just sat in silence for a couple seconds while I thought it over. She just seemed so eager and she said she already had the insurance figured out before we met. But like I could see in her eyes like she was almost pleading with me to work with her. I wonder why she wants to work with me so badly. Although this isn't the first time this has happened. I've been picked up before by other therapists for being an "interesting case" as they called it.

[divine1966]

Wow both therapist and management are very unprofessional. Just awful. I am so very sorry. Hope that other therapist you saw on Friday is better

[Mountaindewed]

She's working out great the only issue and its not even a big issue, is that she is such a big believer in the healthy at any size thing that she doesn't really get why I want to lose more weight. But she's not the only one though who thinks that I shouldnt lose any more. My mom think so too and no doctor ever brings up weight loss to me.

[Quietmind 2]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

She's working out great the only issue and its not even a big issue, is that she is such a big believer in the healthy at any size thing that she doesn't really get why I want to lose more weight. But she's not the only one though who thinks that I shouldnt lose any more. My mom think so too and no doctor ever brings up weight loss to me.

You don't have to answer me if not comfortable: If you experience dysphoria that's worsened by a higher weight, it could be very relevant to tell her.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Quietmind 2

You don't have to answer me if not comfortable: If you experience dysphoria that's worsened by a higher weight, it could be very relevant to tell her.

It is about my dysphoria and she is trying to get me to understand that guys come in all shapes and sizes too. I don't know though. My last therapist told me if I lose much more I won't look masculine enough to pass. Honestly at this point I am just starting to feel a bit out of control with my eating habits and weight issues and I know my therapist needs to know.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

It is about my dysphoria and she is trying to get me to understand that guys come in all shapes and sizes too. I don't know though. My last therapist told me if I lose much more I won't look masculine enough to pass. Honestly at this point I am just starting to feel a bit out of control with my eating habits and weight issues and I know my therapist needs to know.

I'm going to preface this by saying I don't know much about dysphoria. But I don't see how it's helpful for her to say that guys come in all shapes and sizes. I'm a cis female, and if I was having weight concerns, it wouldn't help me to hear that women come in all shapes and sizes either.

It also seems wrong for your last T to talk about passing. Maybe she thought that would somehow change your mind about losing weight? But it seems like an inappropriate and sort of trans-phobic way to do so. Would she tell a cis male client that, for example? It definitely seems good that you're seeing a different T now....

[Quietmind 2]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

It is about my dysphoria and she is trying to get me to understand that guys come in all shapes and sizes too. I don't know though. My last therapist told me if I lose much more I won't look masculine enough to pass. Honestly at this point I am just starting to feel a bit out of control with my eating habits and weight issues and I know my therapist needs to know.

I've some thoughts as a trans person, you don't have to agree with me.

While guys come in all shapes and sizes, there can be a subculture among your local community for trans men to look in a specificly masculine way in order to be deemed attractive.

Trans identity often influences someone's eating disorder(s), yet many treatment modalities exclude, erase, or even harm us in recovery.

Disordered eating, and then eating disorders can emerge as an attempt to control someone's body’s gendered characteristics.

I can't transition for major reasons and both folks like me and folks on HRT do often semi consciously restrict food to cope with that.

A therapist once told me to consider unpacking my beliefs about masculinity. Not just looks, but underlying beliefs of what makes a man, a man. If it's beliefs on masculinity are relevant for you, I hope your T can help.

[Mountaindewed]

On Friday I asked my endocronolgist who prescribes my HRT about my weight and he said he doesn't like to focus on weight but losing another 10-20 pounds would be good for health reasons. I feel like its often best to take a medical doctors advice when it comes to weight then a therapist, but I know they can be wrong too. I just trust this guy and know him more then my current therapist.

[Mountaindewed]

But I've dealt with wanting to lose weight before I even came out and the only people who ever seem to have an issue with it are therapists. Everyone else is fine with my weight loss.