[velcro003]

If you’ve ever taken a break from your T, how did you know?

I see two T’s-my long term talk T, and a trauma/art T. I’ve been making a lot of strides in trauma therapy, but sort of been maybe just going through the motions w my regular T? I don’t know.

I also am not sure if it’s in reaction to a text my T sent today. She has always been horrible w time management in general, and I’m the last client of the day. Today she let me know that she has to move our session back 15 minutes, and we have to end exactly at the 50 minute mark bc she needs to prioritize family life. We’ve always done 60 minutes.

I am maybe a little angry at her. I feel like I’m getting the shaft bc I see her last. She runs her clients back to back, so if she is running late, it’ll be me who suffers. Which is sort of what it feels like. I do not begrudge her her family time. She has small kids, I understand.

I have free therapy until the first of the year, so I feel like I should take that advantage and not quit, which is sort of what I feel like doing. I just can’t tell if it’s bc of my reaction to the session times, or i need a break from seeing her? She’s been my T for 7 years. I don’t even know how I would feel not being able to talk to her.

[ElectricManatee]

You're going to hate this, but I think you need to tell her all this stuff. That's the only way you're going to know. She seems like the kind of therapist who would value tactful honesty. Maybe you need a break or maybe you just need to shake things up?

Full disclosure: I made the biggest therapy breakthrough of my life when my T finally made me angry, so that's probably a big part of why I'm encouraging you to face this head on. I did take a four-month break from my T at one point, but that was because she had become a trigger for my complex PTSD and I needed to get away and turn the heat down a little with EMDR before we could attempt to dig out from that.

[velcro003]

You are right, I do hate it. haha. I am not sure I can tell her how I feel. I can not talk to my T about our relationship. It took until 6 months ago to say I cared about her. And that was at the end of a session after me freaking out the whole time I said it.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by velcro003

You are right, I do hate it. haha. I am not sure I can tell her how I feel. I can not talk to my T about our relationship. It took until 6 months ago to say I cared about her. And that was at the end of a session after me freaking out the whole time I said it.

Hm...if you're still feeling that way about talking to her about the relationship after 7 years, that seems like a bad sign to me, honestly. About the relationship, I mean.

Is it something you could possibly do in writing (like writing, typing something up and handing it to her)? Or over email? If you're thinking of leaving or at least taking a break over it, then it seems worth at least trying to address it.

It doesn't seem right for her to be reducing your session times by 10 minutes if you've been doing an hour all this time. And also to be shifting the time, where you could be penalized by other clients running over.

Though I wonder if she'll really hold to the ending at 50 minutes thing? At one point, ex-MC said he was going to have to start ending his sessions at 45 minutes, when he generally gave us an hour, sometimes more. I panicked a bit. That lasted approximately a week or two before he was back seeing us for an hour.

I would be upset by all this, too, both the change in time and the fact that she said it was to give more time to her family. I'd understand intellectually that my T needed more family time, but emotionally, I'd struggle with it.

[velcro003]

Yeah it’s just an extreme fear of vulnerability. I don’t talk about my relationship with my trauma T either. I could email my T this, and she has said many times that it is okay if I am angry at her, but this feels unfair. it sucks that I am her last client, but she should make family time more important than an extra 10 minutes with me.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll email her, because I know I won’t say it out loud.

[velcro003]

Thanks you guys. I wrote an email and after staring at it for 15 minutes, sent it. Now it’s the “check my email every 15 minutes even though I know she won’t read it at the earliest, later tonight” game.

I am terrified. I said that I was disappointed at the changes, and that I feel like I am not important and don’t matter. That it made me want to quit.

I don’t tell my T these sort of things!! What if I’ve upset her or made her mad, or made her think I am way too much bc this quite obviously was an overreaction.

[downandlonely]

For what it's worth, I think it's good that you told her how you really feel.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I could email my T this, and she has said many times that it is okay if I am angry at her, but this feels unfair. it sucks that I am her last client, but she should make family time more important than an extra 10 minutes with me.

Your feelings are okay, even if they aren't totally reasonable or fair. You aren't hurting your T by being angry. It's okay to feel whatever you feel.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Your feelings are okay, even if they aren't totally reasonable or fair. You aren't hurting your T by being angry. It's okay to feel whatever you feel.

I agree with this. I've actually found it helpful in terms of my general growth to be able to express anger and hurt feelings toward my T, even if he isn't always the most gracious in handling them.


I do hope your T responds soon and well, Velcro.

[Deejay14]

Did I miss something....can you change the time you meet with her so you're not last? I don't think you need a break as much as you need to talk with her.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Did I miss something....can you change the time you meet with her so you're not last? I don't think you need a break as much as you need to talk with her.

No, I work in a job that I can’t take time off in the day from, so I have to go after work.

[velcro003]

Ugh, my T usually doesn’t do or say too many “therpist-y things to me. Her response to my email is: I understand. Let’s talk about it on Wednesday.

That’s it!! She could be fuming or really upset or any number of things that will not end pleasantly for me.
I do not feel any better. Worse, maybe.

[velcro003]

I wrote my T back and said I wouldn’t be able to bear coming in tomorrow if she’s upset or mad at me. She wrote back, said she wasn’t, and went into a little more detail about her reasoning. It wasn’t reassuring because it sounds like she’s getting rid of evening appts, and well, that’s me. Which probably means we will have to do phone sessions, which just aren’t as good.

[ElectricManatee]

This sounds really stressful and anxiety-producing. I hope the two of you are able to figure something out on all fronts.

[velcro003]

Thanks, EM. I hope so too, though I am not feeling confident I will.

[LonesomeTonight]

Ugh, that does sound stressful, I'm sorry. I'm guessing she doesn't offer any weekend hours?


I'm glad she at least let you know that she isn't upset with you. I hope it goes well Wednesday and that you're able to work something out.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I'm sorry Velcro, it does sound stressful. I hope things work out as well as possible for you. Hugs if wanted.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Ugh, that does sound stressful, I'm sorry. I'm guessing she doesn't offer any weekend hours?

.

I'm glad she at least let you know that she isn't upset with you. I hope it goes well Wednesday and that you're able to work something out.

No-she did when I first starting seeing her, but her kids weren’t in school, and her parents were younger and more able to care for them

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

I'm sorry Velcro, it does sound stressful. I hope things work out as well as possible for you. Hugs if wanted.

Thanks guys. It is very stressful. I just yelled at my kitten bc he clawed me, you know, a normal kitten thing to do.

[velcro003]

I know I am basically talking to myself in here, but I just came home w my session with T. I don’t feel better, maybe worse?

She said she hasn’t made any decisions yet about getting rid of the evening time slot, but I can feel it-she will. Then I will be stuck with phone sessions indefinitely, and I don’t want to do that. I couldn’t tell her that, though. That if we go to phone sessions, I might quit.

We’ve done phone sessions before-during the pandemic and this summer. The pandemic was completely out of our control, so that felt ok. I was pretty disappointed at first about this summer, but then she said it would only be 2 months. I could do that. But FOREVER? I don’t know.

We also talked about how I feel gross because I feel like I care too much about our (and my trauma T) relationship too much. I am a large, disgusting leech, sucking the life out of them. She said that I vacillate between avoidance, and then when I feel too isolated, feel very dependent. It’s true.

I feel worse about feeling too needy. She said it was her choice to continue working with me, but she has no clue the level of neediness that is inside. And she has no idea that I feel it much stronger for trauma T. Trauma T doesn’t know that either.

I don’t know what to do. I want to SH. I want to never go to therapy again.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I'm sorry you're going through this Velcro. Keep writing here if it helps, hugs if wanted.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Velcro, I'm sorry. You're not a leech.


I get why you wouldn't want to continue with phone sessions if you knew it would stay that way. I think it would be good for you to tell your T that. She may not realize what a big deal it is for you.

Again, you're not a leech. When do you meet with trauma T again? Maybe it would help to talk to her about it? Whether about T or your feelings of being too needy in general.

[velcro003]

I'll see trauma T tomorrow. I know I should probably talk to her about this, but it veers too close to some other things I am afraid to talk about with her. But, she should know about my strong overreaction to all of this.

[ElectricManatee]

I really don't think it's an overreaction to be stressed out about some big changes happening with a person you have relied on for seven years. Many people in your situation would be freaking out. I also wonder whether trauma T might be able to think through helpful solutions. Sometimes when I'm upset about something, I can't strategize very well. Your trauma T might be able to point out something you can't see right now. Or maybe you could see her more often instead of seeing them both?

[velcro003]

Thanks EM. I wasn’t going to talk to trauma T about this, or if i was i was going to describe the situation in the vaguest terms. But I’ve calmed down a little bit. My T said she said it makes sense on why I wouldn’t want to do phone sessions, she said she wouldn’t want to either.

She also said she isn’t repulsed (my word) by my big feelings of wanting to be nurtured. even though I told her that the want runs deep and holds strong.

so, we shall see. I still don’t feel great about this, mainly because of all the feelings this kicked up.