Couch 240: The Vanadis Couch

My sister and I aren't on speaking terms. This time I don't feel I did anything wrong. All I did is set boundaries. Anyways, I texted her today telling her about my appointment and asking for positive thoughts. I guess that pissed her off because my dad said she was venting to him about me on the phone today.

Sometimes I really hate my family. I know she has BPD like I do, and I know she's had barely any treatment. But she is a pain in the f' *** when she acts up.

Hugs, NP. I hope your appointment is helpful in some way. It really seems like your T has dropped the ball here. I hope he acknowledges that and apologizes.

I'm glad the advocate called at least. Did they say if there's anything else you can do?

Hugs, Scarlet.

Going out of town next weekend. So this weekend my friend is coming over to meet Zoey because she will be stopping by and feeding my pets and also cleaning the litter box for Helen. So we need to give her a key and have her meet Zoey and show her how things have changed with the set up from before. I already sent her the $$ via Zelle. She always says she will do it for free but I always pay her. Besides, Zoey has a tendency to charge out the door even when you are coming in, so it is a good idea to shut the gate behind you! Dad said he had to chase Zoey halfway down the block today but luckily a neighbor caught her.

Appointment in 15mins...

more hugs, scarlet...

I have been re-watching pdq bach videos on youtube and now I have The Seasonings stuck in my head

I just ran across a therapy homework assignment from 2015. If I completed it, I didn't save it to my computer because just the assignment is here. L had wanted me to imagine a conversation between my anger and my inner "good little girl". If I know me, I never did complete it, because good little girl would run and hide from anger and there would never be any conversation. I think I need to try this one again.

I am so very upset right now. Yesterday I finally got to see my neurologist about my worsening memory issues and not only did she not help... she gave me the old brush-off. She said my tests (an MRI and neuropsych testing) were normal so I was fine. Gee, sorry I cannot demonstrate my symptoms during a 15-minute appointment while you are starting at the damned computer screen. Did you notice that I brought a printed, typed list of what I wanted to talk about? Gee, maybe that is why I didn't have huge observable problems with word-finding?

She said to continue to work on my depression, reduce stress, and not worry about it. "I know you will be fine." Lady, I have had a stroke and hand mal seizures in the past. I am currently having memory loss and worsening aphasia. You cannot possibly know that I will be "fine." The best you could possibly do is say that I'm fine now... but I just told you that I am not, in fact, fine.

She always says to reduce stress... every damn time I've seen her since 2014. I told her 3 things I had done to reduce stress but she didn't pay any attention to that. She practically patted me on the f@#$ing head, she was so patronizing.

My T did talk to me last night but she sort of took the doctor's side. T said the MD was trying to help but didn't know. Maybe not, but she should at least try not making it WORSE by belittling my concerns.

Then this morning, I was in a meeting and was confused about something. A friend was talking about a symposium, but i didn't know it was called that...I thought it was called something else and the symposium happens in April (not November). Oh no, that is called the Expo, she says. I teared up and said I'm sorry I can't keep the difference between an Expo and a symposium straight. It turns out, both events have the word Symposium in the title because people are dumb. But I was about to walk out because I was thinking back on the neurologist telling me I was fine.

Then, a different coworker asked me to explain something I had reported someone from another unit saying. "What do they mean by that?" FFS, how do I know? No, I said, I cannot explain their reasoning. You would have to talk to them.

So angry at being dismissed and yet still so clearly having problems with thinking and memory. Oh, that is caused by the depression. Damn it, I am telling you that my depression did not start to get worse until May! The memory problems and aphasia worsening started in January!

TL;DR My neurologist sucks and dismissed my problems as only being due to depression.

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Ugh, I'm so sorry, Mobius. Is it at all possible to consult with a different neurologist?

Oh Mobius, I'm so sorry. I agree with LT can you consult with a different neurologist?

I feel violated! That was excruciatingly painful. They should use anesthesia or something numbing. It felt like a serrated knife being twisted inside me. And now I have this thing inside me. I feel like I betrayed myself and my body.

I'm physically okay now. Definitely cramping, but it's manageable. I feel like I have to be careful. I'm scared of it moving and going through the wall.

I just have to keep reminding myself that this is to get healthier. This is for the possibility of having a baby one day: from birth or adoption.

I'm just depressed and feel disgusted right now. It sucks...

oh Scarlet I'm so very sorry it was so awful. sending more hugs.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm sorry it was so painful. They should have given you something.

I've read stories about doctors not believing women when they tell them how painful the procedure is or basically telling them to just suck it up. I guarantee if it was men having it done, it'd be done under some sort of anesthesia.

Physically, I'm feeling better. Minor cramping. And mentally, I'm coping. However, I'm trying to stay in denial as much as possible because I know emotionally I'm a mess. I haven't cried since the drive home. I'm also babying myself right now. I'm barely moving. I'm scared of it tbh. I'm scared of it moving or falling out.

Overall, I think I'm doing the best I can do.

Still crampy and now bloated. Still afraid to move too much or to go to the bathroom. But I think I'm doing really well considering. Least better than what I thought.

Thanks, Artie and LT. I could go to a different neurologist but I live in a rural area. To get outside this health system I'd have to drive at least 4 hours round trip each time. Still, it might be worth it! It's something I am considering.

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I would try at least a consultation with another one just to see if they have any useful ideas. Good luck

I wonder if it would be at all possible to do telehealth for an initial appointment? I imagine neurologists want to do certain in-person tests, but if it's more of a consultation, it could be a possibility. Then they could send you for bloodwork, imaging, etc. closer to you.

Made these while waiting for h's GI procedures to be done this morning (as I had to drive him home). Much to his credit, and for once, he did not say any negative things about my driving. The wiggle worms are supposed to be like pumpkins; not sure if I succeeded!

They are butternut squash! A seasonal gourd.

Love the orange worms!

Find a psychologist who specializes in assessment of memory loss issues. They will do testing more specific to the issue.

When my husband was being assessed for disability, they sent him for this type of testing specifically. It took about three hours and he was diagnosed with early onset dementia.

Last night of music therapy tonight. They have had it via Zoom for the whole time I was in the program, approx 13 months. But next week they move everything to onsite and it is simply way too far for me to try to drive there and back and it would be really late at night that I would be getting home. I'm going to miss having it. I'm not sure I am going to attend tonight. I'm like of like, don't want to be sad about it ending so if I don't go, I won't have the sadness.