Couch 240: The Vanadis Couch

I think therapy and IRL do work the same way. Its a constant rupture repair cycle.

I just googled it - there are so many good articles!

Pdoc said to contact his practice manager, so I sent her a message on voicemail. I think she is only there half days so I do not anticipate hearing anything back today. But it sounds like a letter should be forthcoming. I hate having to make things like such a big deal when a simple request to put tasks in writing shouldn't be that big of a deal. But it feels like I am making a big deal about it. Ugh.

Having negative thoughts about myself today. I recognized that though. So I was able to stop. I feel like I need some nurturing today but it is really hard for me to get nurturing from my family--not that they don't want to--it's just a foreign concept to them. But maybe when I go to Church tonight I can get some nurturing. We'll see.

trigger for medical stuff

HUGS Artie for you and H

Finally! The imaging place got my doctor's fax. And I can't do the ultrasound... It will cost us $400. We can't afford that. If the doctor felt it was an emergency, she would have sent me to the hospital, right? I just wish I knew I'm okay, that this pain is normal.

Ugh. Having some anxiety. Took anxiety medicine but I'm still feeling it. Just took a little of the edge off. Might have to take another dose.

We had pizza and ice cream at work today.

Ugh, that's ridiculous for an ultrasound, I'm sorry. Are you sure that's through insurance? It sounds like the out-of-pocket price. If you keep having the pain, could you see if maybe they have a payment plan or something like that? And I'd assume she would have sent you to the hospital, yes. Though maybe reach out to your doctor tomorrow, say you can't afford the US, and see what she says?

O contacted the doctor right after I found out the price.

H thinks they are charging me out-of-pocket fee too. And that they'll refund us afterwards. But we can't afford to pay the upfront fee.

Cooolll Whiippp

Also, how bad is getting a crown done? My right molar chipped today (well I think of It as it was a 'chunk' of my tooth), and I need a crown done on Monday. I am TERRIFIED. I absolutely loathe cavities, and this seems much more intense.

Velcro - they numb you to timbuktu. Ive had more than my share. You may want a neck pillow. They should have them. My latest problem has been being shaky when they are done.

It’s really not bad. I’ve had a lot of major crown work done due to old fillings breaking down. They’ll numb you up.

It takes longer than a filling. They grind your tooth down so the crown will fit over it. That's probably the worst part because of all the noise and sometimes a weird tooth smell (I don't know how to describe that part). Then they take a mold of your new tooth nubbin so they can make the crown. Some places they make the crown in house and you're done in one visit, but most places they will make you a temporary crown to wear, which also takes some time, but isn't really unpleasant other than trying to figure out if your teeth actually fit together while your mouth is numb, and you'll come back once they receive your new crown. That part isn't bad at all. They take off the temporary, clean up your tooth and put the new one on. Like everyone else said, they numb you up. Just let them know if something hurts and they'll inject some more numbing stuff. I'd ask for some nitrous if they have it. It helps you get through the ordeal and is definitely worth the extra cost. Once the grinding part is done, you can relax because the hard part is over.

Hugs if wanted Velcro. I had a crown done like 7 years ago and laid in the chair shaking the whole time with hubby sitting at the end of the chair holding my feet. I'm terrified of dental stuff too. I don't even remember much about it other than h being there holding my feet. I have to get one again soon too - when I went back to dentist not long ago after over 6 years he found one tooth starting to crack that he's going to put a crown on. I have to get my teeth cleaned first, then schedule that. I am sending you all kinds of good vibes for Monday.

H has gotten several and he always says it's no big deal. His teeth are awful and he's had tons of dental work.

The smell is tooth dust, or as I think of it


It’s from the minerals in the teeth. Closest analogy I can think of is singed hair.

I like having crowns done. So long as the drugs are good, I can just lie there relaxing for an hour or two. Worst part for me is the stuff they take the impression with—ick.

Has anybody read Untamed by Glennon Doyle? My sister told me about it and I started reading it after work today and am trying to take it slowly and savor every word. I can't stop underlining sentences! It's really speaking to me.

Thanks everyone. Yeah it’s the “grinding the tooth dow n” that really gets me. I can just IMAGINE that smell right now. *shudders*

I hate when it happens at the dental school (so many people in a big room with cubicles) and im like omg who is that speading dead tooth cooties?!

Its very primal. Makes me think of cavemen.

I still haven't fully processed what happened last week with the restraining order. I apparently can't get a lawyer to return my phone call to answer a question about whether this decision is appealable or not. This is not helping me feel any better about the situation. I think a lot of this has to do with me needing to feel some sense of justice about this whole fire situation and I guess I don't feel that yet. I want to feel like I matter, but maybe that's just childish. Maybe no one really matters in the grand scheme of things. My therapist suggested that we each write letters to the judge, which I guess I don't think that they would even be read or that it would make any difference. But it's really nice knowing that he would be willing to write that letter on my behalf. Maybe it would be therapeutic for me to write the letter and send it anyway even if I don't think the legal system actually works that way. I can't help but feeling that if I was that judge's daughter, I would have that restraining order.

NP, for what it's worth, I think writing the letter could be a useful exercise. They need to understand the impact of their decision.


Having P write a letter as well would add to the urgency of the matter.

So as part of my house cleaning, under my bed today I found a plastic storage container full of gf snacks.

This is even better than the time, years ago in grad school, that I balanced my checkbook and found I had 10K more than I thought I did. (I am really bad at adding columns of numbers.)

I struggle with numbers as well cause of number dyslexic

i cannot focus on work this morning. my mind is running amok about everything but. i'm not sure I can sustain this being authentic thing. it's forcing me to admit just how unhappy i am pretty much in all areas of my life. i've been a good little pretender, for a very long time now, but i don't think i can do it anymore. i am not happy.

i.am.not.happy.

and, i don't know what on earth i am going to do about that.

Hugs, Artie. Could you maybe consider trying a new T? Beyond the CBT stuff you're getting through work?

i need to. i want to. every time i start searching though, i admit i don't put very much effort into it and as i look at myself i think that's because i'm also so paranoid and afraid of getting trapped into an endless 'thing' again like happened with L. i cannot go through that again. plus, if i'm totally honest with myself i haven't totally extricated myself from her yet even though it's been 10 months (tomorrow) since my last session. i used to think it was good/helpful having that internalized version of her. Lately though I'm leaning toward it's not anymore!! But I guess I don't know how to let that part go too.