Couch 240: The Vanadis Couch

Same with guinea pigs. I think they also can't breathe through their mouths, which is part of why respiratory illnesses are so dangerous for them.

Hugs, NP, I'm sorry. Taking the afternoon off seems like a good idea. Are things any better with your T?

Horses cannot vomit, didn't know rabbits cannot

Dr. T asked me an interesting question today, or maybe more of an observation, and he was asking whether I agreed with it. He said he got the sense that I wished I could have something like the therapeutic relationship in my outside life. In the sense of time set aside for me, where I could just talk to someone else about what's going on with me, that the focus is on me, no matter what's going on with the other person. I added that I could also let any emotions out. I agreed with him. We talked about that a bit.

I suddenly said, "Wait, isn't that what the parent-child relationship is supposed to be like?" He agreed, so we talked about how I didn't really have that, particularly in terms of being able to be open with my emotions and feelings with my parents. And how it felt like ex-MC unearthed those buried needs in me.

Then I was like, "So...OK, if I/we realize that, then...what do I do with that?" He said it wasn't an easy question. But then we did come up with a couple ideas. An obvious one is to get some of those needs met by friends, maybe my H. With the regular meeting time, maybe I need to figure out something I can schedule each week (even like a yoga class). At times I miss, say, when I was in my mid-20s and would go with a few coworkers/friends to a trivia night every Wednesday. Not that I want to be going to a trivia night on a weeknight evening in my mid-40s with a kid (don't have the energy!), but it was more the regular/planned nature of it.

That was right at the end of session, so I think it's also a "to be continued." Maybe part is just realizing the needs are there, that I can't fully meet them in my outside life (especially parts coming from childhood), and it's OK to get some of them met in therapy. Dr. T didn't seem judgmental at all when talking about this (not like "You need to get these needs met by someone other than me"), more observing and curious.

I may make a separate thread on this later, not sure.

Also, got my flu shot today. I suppose I'm used to the smaller needles from the Covid vaccines, but this hurt! And my upper arm is really hot and swollen. I tend to react strongly to shots, so not too surprised. Trying to move my arm around, as I know that's supposed to help. This is one of the times when I wish I wasn't allergic to ibuprofen. Does anyone know if it's OK to put ice on the site? I assume it's OK.

Hope your arm is okay, LT. Once I was getting some childhood shots and so were the neighbor kids. We were at some kind of free clinic so they had us all in one room. I don't remember what shot we were getting but the younger neighbor kid turned white faced and started looking woozy but none of the adults were paying attention, so I quickly got to him and simultaneously said, he's going to pass out! And he did.

In my T's typical fashion, she cancelled my session 10 minutes before session time yesterday.

We had a fabulous rain storm here yesterday which means snow in the mountains. Her wi-fi already sucks. So when I send her the Zoom meet information I said, we might have to do a phone session if the internet isn't good. She replied, no problems at this time! Sure enough when she texted she had been out of power for two hours and her battery was too drained on her cell phone to have a session. She said we can reschedule sometime this week. So I asked her if she had anything tomorrow evening. She said she thinks so but still hasn't actually gotten back to me.

I love my T and I get super tired of her being flakey. I basically laid out the plan about the phone thing and then she couldn't even make sure it was charged. She lives in the mountains so I would think she would have a generator or something. We do. But I guess she didn't. When she texted me this morning she said power is back on but her heater is broken. Not good.

Oh Kit...

I'm so sorry your T is showing you that she cannot show up for you in the way that you need.

I appreciate that power cuts can't be helped, but as a helping professional, she should make provision for such eventualities. (And I am not suggesting that you buy her a battery pack.)

I hope that she responds to schedule you for tomorrow.

LT - I got a senior flu shot right next to my covid shot. I also got red and swollen, but like to the right of my short, near inside arm. I used a can of cold soda! It took almost a week to go down.

Re an outside relationship like T - remember freud said - ah! but where would you find such a friend? - when a patient wished for the same thing. Its like wanting ice cream all the time - but when does the ice cream get to eat you? Its the reciprocal part that would do me in.

Kit, that does sound really frustrating, especially when you made a backup plan! I'm sorry... I hope you can see her tomorrow. It really seems like she should have made plans for this case--like you said, charging her phone. You can get phone battery packs for pretty cheap, then keep those charged to charge your phone, if she doesn't have a generator.

Hugs...

Thanks, Una--I'm trying an ice pack on it now. H said maybe the guy hit my muscle in a certain way. I apparently did not properly follow directions at the CVS (didn't check in on my phone because the text came when I was in session, checked in at the pharmacy but not also at the minute clinic concierge, sat in the wrong chair--green one, not red one!...), so maybe that was their revenge!

And yeah, I know the difference in friendships is the reciprocality. As compared to my paying Dr. T to listen to me and to (mostly!) not have to deal with his ****. But with friendship, it can be tough to find the balance. I often worry I'm taking too much and unsure about the balance sometimes. Marriage, too. Or that I'll reach out too much. Or not give enough in return. I know a good relationship shouldn't be that transactional, but it can feel that way in my head at times. Like I'll cross a line of neediness, then that's it. I mean, I worry about that with my T, and I'm paying him!

Really, I think I just wish I had something more like the T relationship in childhood. And I can't get that now in the same way, because I'm no longer a child. Yet I still crave it.

Yeah but you know our raising prunes our brain connections. Wayne Dyer had a book i think called But i was raised that way! I hate to use that as an excuse but geez there are do many things i didnt learn to do. I have my parents' impatience. Patience got pruned.

At this exact time last year my friend and I were heading to Disney World. It's a real good thing we weren't planning on going at this time this year.

In my experience good friendships are not strictly transactional. In every relationship there is rarely a perfect balance. If I go out to dinner with a friend, sometimes I get the check. Sometimes they do. We both just trust it will all even out in the end, more or less, and if it doesn’t, does it matter, since we’re friends? The intent of equity was there if not the execution.

I mean, if a friend let me get the check every time, it wouldn’t actually be a friendship.

And likewise with emotional needs. Right now I’m leaning hard on my friends because of grief and anger, but this is not permanent. All of them have leaned hard on me, and will again, as I will them.

As for childhood, we don’t need to be defined by what we didn’t get then. It’s hard not to get into that cycle of thought, but the amazing thing about people is they can learn new things, reinvent themselves, fill in the gaps in childhood that can be filled in, mourn those that can’t, and keep on going and rebuilding while mourning.

This has been the hardest week I've ever had to go through. I have two T's, but my doctor wouldn't let me leave her office on Monday until I called the local crisis center. So now I've talked to them every day on the phone. She really is urging me to either go to the hospital (no way) or back to another crisis unit. I already had to take this week off because I am not functional, and I already am out of PTO because of the 3 weeks I was at a crisis unit back in May.

I don't know what to do. I am barely making it through each day, and work will probably call tomorrow to see what I am going to do about next week. I honestly have no idea if I will be able to work or not. I don't know what my options are though. I know there is FMLA, which I've used once, but it didn't kick in until I was out for 10 days. I have heard of short term disability, but I know nothing about it, or even if I have it.

I'm at a loss.

Well, severe depression is a disability under the ADA, so you would be entitled to accommodations. But a) it would require paperwork and approval by HR; and b) you’d need to know what reasonable accommodations at work would help you. This link might help: Depression

When I was going through something similar, I used short term disability. If you can find your employee handbook, it will probably have some information in there or you can call HR and talk to them. You don't need to tell HR why you're needing to take leave and they shouldn't ask. It's most likely administered through an insurance company. You will need to tell them why. Once you've determined it's part of your benefit package, you'll need to contact that company. HR can tell you how to do that. I had to speak with someone on the phone from the insurance company. Your therapist will also need to be involved in the process. P had to fill out some paperwork explaining his professional opinion on why I needed to take leave. Honestly, it was a confusing process that you shouldn't have to be trying to figure out when you're needing to use it, but I muddled through somehow and got paid like 70% of my salary or something close to that. I was out for the full 3 months allowed under short-term. Beyond that, I would have had to go on long-term disability. Hope this helps a little. I hope you get some relief soon.

I recently learned that in some states they do pay something for people who are out on FMLA (not in Texas). So that might be something you can get even if you don't have short term disability. I believe Massachusetts does pay FMLA. Not sure about other states.

I had my session with L on the phone on Tuesday. I was in so much pain. She said it was a safety concern, and if H wouldn't take me to the hospital, she would call an ambulance. H and L talked for a few minutes. H agreed to take me. And thank goodness he did!!! They found my gallbladder inflamed and infected. I had surgery yesterday to have it removed.

Yikes, Scarlet! I'm glad L pushed for that and your H took you. Hope you recover quickly and won't have to deal with the pain anymore. Gentle hugs.

Thank you, I will check this link out.
Thanks-it does seem confusing and overwhelming. Ugh.
Yeah, I didn’t get paid when I was out on it.
Ugh, how awful! I’m glad at least they found the source.

Hugs, Velcro. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I'd definitely check into short-term disability and FMLA with your employer. I hope you can figure something out so that you can get a needed break and also keep your job/make some money (if you can get on disability).

Also check into whether the short-term disability could possibly be retroactive--like if you end up taking off next week but can't get all the paperwork in for a couple weeks, whether you could get the disability to have an effective date of this coming Monday.

I would agree that good friendships aren't transactional in that sense. There definitely tends to be more of an ebb and flow to them in my experience, in terms of who needs support and when. Or who has more or less time to catch up/get together.

I guess I meant more in the sense of, it wouldn't really be fair to a friend if I leaned on them all the time but didn't give anything in return, if they wanted support. Like if I consistently treated a friend or partner as a therapist, without the financial aspect. (Or if someone did the same to me.) Where it was only about my feelings and needs all the time.

You make some good points about childhood, too. It can be easy to get hung up on what you missed. More recently in therapy, I've been talking about some childhood stuff and then shifting to: "OK, so what can/do I do about that now?" As you said, in some cases, all I can do is mourn that I didn't get it and come to accept that. Then figure out how to move forward.

I think another part of that is realizing that some of the messages I was given by my parents weren't accurate. Like that I don't have to be a perfect friend, partner, employee, etc. in order to avoid rejection/abandonment (at the same time, maybe I could be "perfect", and that rejection could still happen). Or, something related that came up in a recent session, that I can annoy people at times, but still be lovable.

OK, I'll stop rambling now. If I'm making less sense than usual, I think I have a bit of flu-shot-induced brain fog.

hugs, velcro. back in 2008 when i was at my worst and started seeing pdoc and he diagnosed clinical depression, he submitted the short-term disability ppwk once I brought it to him, but i had to initiate it all through my insurance first to get the forms for him, i was still working for Cox at the time so I don't recall if it was Sedgwick or who. Thankfully once I handed him the paperwork, he took care of it super fast. Anyway i got paid 70% of my normal paycheck I think it was while I was out on short term disability. I'm pretty sure my company made me use my vacation time for the first week. I don't remember how long I was out - a couple of months, I think.

Letter to judge has been sent. I have a sinking feeling it won't even get read.