Weird, sad, text from T

Yesterday I was supposed to have a session with T. About 3 hours before I texted her to see if she felt up to having a session on Zoom. She said she was fine and that we could have a session but not on Zoom because she didn't want to look at herself. So could we do a phone session. I said sure even though I don't get as much out of those. Then a few minutes later she texted back and said that now the bruise is spreading across her face and she's scared and she thinks she needs to go to the hospital so she has to cancel me until next week. I said okay and that I hope she felt better and that I thought going to the hospital was a good plan. Then this morning I texted her to see how it went at the hospital and she said she didn't go yet. ????? She said she would go this morning but that she was nervous. So I got therapisty with her and I told her she was going to be alright, to smell some lavender and do some grounding work and deep breathing.

I don't understand why we couldn't meet if she wasn't going to the hospital last night.

Ugh, I'm sorry Kit. So she both canceled your session at the last minute and left you worried about her--then didn't even go to the hospital?

Also, on a more random note, is she not aware that you can hide you own image on Zoom? That's what I always do if I have a virtual session with Dr. T because I find it distracting to see myself.

Hugs....

Thanks LT. Yeah she is kind of irritating me at the moment. I still have compassion for her but I'm like put on your big girl pants and go to the hospital.

I find it really hard to read how badly your T is doing at being a therapist right now. And how many boundaries she appears to be breaking. It sounds like you are the therapist and she is the client. Please look after yourself.

If she got the bruises from domestic violence, it might explain why she's afraid of the hospital.

Otherwise, she is being REALLY inappropriate with you.

I wondered about this as well. Seems like a weird injury from a fall? Well, I guess I could see how it would happen.

It does look like DV. But I had another older friend who ended up with the same kind of bruising from a fall and I know for a fact that one wasn't DV. So I know it is possible to get that same bruising pattern without it being DV. But I'm sure the doctor's are going to ask about it. Or have a social worker come talk to her or something. I'm pretty sure it isn't DV from my T. 1. She falls all the time. 2. She isn't in a romantic relationship. I guess it could be her brother or son, but IDK. I don't get that vibe.

Regardless of what's going on for her it's big red flags that she's leaning on a client for support.

This has re traumatisation written all over it. She isn't able to set boundaries to focus on you and your needs.

I know how easy it is to say and how deep attachment can be, but at this early stage my thinking would be to call it a day and accept she can't meet my needs now before getting further harmed by this t.

"She falls all the time" is also a weird thing for you to know. Honestly it sounds to me like she isn't capable to look after herself and I very much think that looking after yourself ought to be the basline any therapist needs in order to be effective at their job of taking care of clients.

This all just sounds stranger and stranger, tbh, Kit. I'm worried about you.

Unbelievable...

First, she has 2 options on Zoom to either minimise her screen or tick the option so she does not appear at all.

Secondly, she let you down - again - with a lack of consistency. She cancels phone because she's going to the hospital (could she not have gone afterwards?!) and what do you know, she does not go to the hospital. Just like a small child who needs to be reassured and taken care of by her client?!

It seems you can't count on her, she is too unpredictable and... helpless. It's like she needs someone to take care of her when she is supposed to be the container for her clients. This is worrying. Please, look for someone else who is consistent, knowledgeable and reliable.

I am almost speechless reading about this today kit. Something is not right with her. A therapist should never be acting this way and getting there needs met through a client. Forget for a second her canceling yet another session, do you feel she can do affective therapy with you at this point? You are paying her to keep her stuff out of it, to work on YOU. She has everything so twisted that its just going to get worse and worse. Please take care of yourself and seriously think about seeing someone else who is ethical and relatable and knows what boundaries are. I am really worried about you the longer you are “working” with her…….

You know, it occurs to me that with her lack of boundaries, you could probably transition into being her supportive friend rather than her client going forward. Then you could find a different therapist to help you with your mental health. That is assuming you terminating wouldn't make her resentful, but I don't know if she would mind the loss of income since she cancels on you all the time anyway.

What a great idea! "I want to be your friend, not your client" might be a nice line to end the therapeutic relationship

I am trying to imagine how my T would handle this sort of thing. He definitely would not send me a picture, probably wouldn't warn me in any way. When I got there, if I asked, he would give some brief explanation of how he got hurt (had a fall, softball accident, whatever), tell me he's all right, and then redirect the conversation to what's going on with me.

All this to say, Slumber Kitty, your T's behavior sounds really inappropriate. If she needs emotional support, she should look for it from someone who is not her client. It sounds like you are the sort of person who wants to help others, and that is a wonderful thing, but you are in this relationship to be helped, not to be the helper. Your T ought to keep that in mind, and if she can't, you should start looking for another T.

Thanks for all the replies. Despite T's lack of boundaries, and her sometimes making things about her, for some reason, I am not yet able to give up on this T. I still think about how she came to my house twice and that was huge. She went way out of her way for me. It's just that the pendulum sometimes swings heavily in the wrong direction as well. I don't know if I am getting better with this T. Or worse. Or staying the same. Most of my stuff is about trying to stay stable anyway. It just feels overwhelmingly daunting to try to find a new T right now. I.just.can't.do.it.right.now. I agree there are probably red flags. She says I love you. She sends me random text messages at incredibly random times. But she is also the first T to actually say she can help me. I really hope she can.

Okay, you know best, of course. Take care and keep posting. Best of luck to both you and your T. I do hope she can help you, and I am glad that she believes she can

Thanks AliceKate. I texted T to see how she was doing today. And a picture of today's sunrise which was really pretty. She says she feels a little better (she has a concussion) and she hopes I am feeling better too, and that she slept well. I replied that I was glad that she slept well and that Zoey (my family's new dog) is surprisingly easy to sleep with. And then I said that I am still feeling relapse-y and how a friend of mine who is super wise would tell me now is the time to cut it off at the pass but I am not sure how to do so. So, I am waiting for T to respond, but I am also not holding my breath. I think right now she just needs to take care of her. Luckily I have some supportive friends I can go to. It's not their job to help me but they love me and they are willing to encourage me. So I am hoping to have time to talk to one of them today.

It's absolutely 1000% understandable why you would not want to give up on this T just yet. She says she loves you and she texts you messages at random times. She shares a lot of information about herself and her life. She even came to your house to see you twice. All those things would no doubt make you feel lots of positive feelings and would be hard to let go of.

It would make me feel 'special' if my T was to do that and I know I would feel amazing if my T did that. I know that it would not be what is in my best interest though in terms of my growth and healing in therapy at least. I spent a lot of myself worrying about my parents and wanting to take care of them. Certaintly not what I would need to be doing in therapy. At some point someone would be hurt and it would likely be me.

I am very attached to my T with have a good connection and get on quite well she doesn't make me feel 'special' and never texts or tells me she loves me. For various reasons, I think I need to leave her but am having huge difficulty deciding to do so. I don't want to but I think it might be what is best for me. I share that just to say in some ways understand how difficult even contemplating that must feel. It feels hard to fathom to me so it must seem absolute impossible to you.

Thanks, smileygal

While I do think your therapist has handled it wrong, I can totally understand you feelings of care. I know she often has loose boundaries is it possible her concussion made things worse?

Her concussion probably affected her ability to think things all the way through. She did say that when she bought her car after having a concussion that she "wasn't thinking straight." Don't know how that turned out but really hope she doesn't spend time telling me how it went.

Have you met with her since the cancellation?

We are supposed to have a session tonight. I haven't heard from her though. Usually when I send her the text saying that I have set up the Zoom for the session she responds with a thank you or something to that effect but I haven't heard from her all day. So I am cautiously optimistic we are having a session, but I'm not totally sure. And sometimes she messes me up and schedules me at either 5 or 7 PM so I never really know. It's supposed to be at 6 PM tonight.

Wow, that sounds really frustrating! I hope she actually is there at the planned time. Could you maybe text to confirm?