sorting out how I feel

I haven't read this entire thread, so forgive any disconnect.

None of your feelings are wrong - and the negative feelings you were having about yourself are the direct result of being mistreated/triggered by your t.

I'll tell you what. In all of my life I have never had the privilege of working at a job in which I can take time off whenever I want to, tend to my undone household chores instead of going to work, randomly schedule my work hours at my convenience...you get my point. In any job I've ever worked "the customer" always came first.

Too many therapists are disgusting in their work habits.

Wow. Things seem to just get worse with this therapist. So her adult daughter is fine and didn’t even go to the ER and your T knows you relapsed and aren’t doing well and barley bats an eyelash? From what i have read with your other posts on this forum, your self harm is severe. You need help, care and support. All of which your therapist should be giving you. She’s taking her sweet time to reschedule or schedule at all and you need help and it wasn’t’ even an emergency. I know how it is to be trauma bonded with someone and think the love is worth it all. Do you really feel your therapist loves you with how she has been treating you? Real love doesn’t act this way. Im angry at your T and very worried for you Kit.

Not to stray too far off topic, but I'm self-employed as a freelance copy editor and can basically set my own hours as long as I meet my deadlines. So I could decide to not work at all one day, then work, say, 12 hours the next. Or work shorter days during the week and then work over the weekend. And do chores in the middle of my workday, if I want. I can also say "I'm not able to take any work for the next week," though then I also don't get any pay for that week--there are no paid vacation when you're self-employed!

However, my choosing not to work one day doesn't ultimately affect anyone--again, as long as I get my work done by the deadline. A T canceling an appointment *does* affect his or her clients. And I think that's something they need to keep in mind. Certainly, some cancellations are unavoidable. But I feel that T's should try to reschedule as quickly as is reasonable, or at least be in touch in some way, if they don't know when they'll be able to reschedule (like if they're sick).

It was really difficult for me back when we were seeing my former marriage counselor, he had to cancel at the last minute, and then didn't hear anything about rescheduling for more than a week--even to say "I'm sorry, I'm not sure when I can reschedule." And he worked for a practice that had receptionists, so if he wasn't up to calling, at least he could have had one of them update us. I ended up leaving at handwritten note at his office for him (ex-T worked there, too, so I left it when I saw her), as he hadn't replied to a voicemail.

Kit, have you been able to see your T this weekend? Last I saw on the Couch, she sounded unsure about whether she'd be able to meet.

Hi everyone who is reading this far....

I did talk to T on Saturday. She texted me around 1 or 1 30 PM saying we could talk that night at six if I was up to it. So I took her up on it since I wanted to talk to her. It wasn't as helpful as a session because the crisis had passed. I managed not to spiral, and do more self harm to myself, and I managed to stay very in tact and not dissociate a bunch. T told me I could be a T. I said, oh no, I'd leave that up to the professionals. She said that I don't know how professional I am. I don't know what that means.

I'm very tired today but I did have a good Sunday which was my self care day. I stayed home from Church and slept instead. Then food shopping with Dad and we went to a chocolate store and the pet store. I got my favorite chocolate. Yum. Then watched lots of football and read some out of my new theology book. It was a good day.

I won't be meeting with T this week unless something works out on a Saturday. We'll see. Otherwise it will be the 1st before we talk. I can always text or email but I tend not to. It drives me crazy when she doesn't text back. So I try to reduce the crazy making on myself. She did update me again about her daughter, who is doing fine now. And I can't really remember what we talked about. She wanted to know if I knew what I was going to talk to Pdoc about I was like, nope. I'm just going to talk to him and say that things were going pretty well except for one slip up. I need to get him back to every three months because he is hard to afford for every other month.

Thank you all for your replies. HUG kit

Sounds like your T identifies with you. Not sure what that signifies..

Glad you had a good Sunday and I'm craving some chocolate myself, so I ordered some online, which should arrive tomorrow.

Hugs, Kit. I'm glad you talked to your T. That does seem odd, her comment on you not knowing how professional you are? But it seems like a positive thing!

Sorry you aren't talking to her sooner--is it just that your schedules won't line up before that?

Well I usually talk to her on Tuesday nights but my Mom invited our Pastor to dinner on Tuesday night (his wife is out of town until Wednesday). I meet with T in the dining room on the computer bc that is where the best signal is. I can't very well have my session with the Pastor there. My Mom didn't do it intentionally, she has short term memory loss. So that is why I was glad I could talk to T on Saturday. We are kind of leaving it open for this Saturday....like if I need her then we can schedule, but if I am doing okay then we will just aim for the 1st.

Thanks for the hugs. Those are always welcome!

I am guessing she means that Kit is organized and punctual, that she takes care of things like figuring out Zoom and paying for the pro membership, that she is careful not to express her emotions if she thinks they might be too "messy," that she responds calmly (at least on the outside) to cancelations and session disruptions, etc. She is an "easy" client, even if she really deserves much more space to express herself. I think that's what her T meant.

Thank you EM. I had no clue what T was talking about.

I wish she were as professional as you are.

You are mature, boundaried, responsible, considerate and thoughtful towards her and/or her needs, making space for her, caring, self-reflective, weighing the consequences of your words or actions on her (am I missing anything?) - which *she* ought to be towards you seeing as she is supposed to be the therapist in this dynamic.