[Omers]

I am pleasantly surprised. New T did reach out today to schedule a session next week. It was originally requested as a closure session but he simply called it "our session for next week".
SO many feelings.
I have searched and searched and cannot find anyone that even feels like a remote possibility. I have tried local T's throughout the entire state as well as two of those online places. I know I can go back to art T and she will hold me and be supportive but she can't really help me... which makes me long for what I hoped new T could offer. Feeling so lost

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Omers. Because you're having so much trouble finding anyone else, is it possible you could talk to new T during this session and see if maybe he could still work to meet your goals? I know you had a huge rupture. But I've had some with my T (including one big enough that I terminated briefly a few years ago), and we've managed to work through them and work together (though we still have our issues, and I know certain topics can be risky territory with him).

Wondering if you could even use him on more of a restricted basis in terms of topics/situations, like, you don't go to him for crises, he doesn't pressure you about leaving your H, stuff like that? Or "We are going to focus on this list of goals, and that is it." It's far from ideal, but if you still see any promise in him at all, it's something to consider. Assuming he would consider it, of course!

I'm thinking of how when I terminated with Dr. T a few years ago, a couple weeks later I requested a session. I think he assumed it was a more formal termination session, as the previous one had been ugly (and I didn't know I was going to terminate when I walked in the door). Partway through that session, he asked what I was hoping to get from it, what had led me to come in. I said it was partly to see if I still felt I could work with him. And I did. But I wouldn't have known that until I actually sat down and talked to him for a bit, to see that I still felt a connection.

You may, of course, sit down and talk to New T and be like, "nope!" after 15 minutes. But something to think about. Whatever happens, I hope the session is helpful to you in some way.

[AliceKate]

Perhaps, just a thought, if you are at all considering continuing with new T, would it perhaps be possible for awesome T to connect with new T and share some of his insights?

[Omers]

I would honestly love it if new T could meet me in a place where I feel safe to keep working with him. At this point anything about H would have to be totally off limits and I am not sure that new T would be OK with that. My personal belief is that it doesn't matter what we work on healing (within my tolerance) it will all get to the same end place eventually... so if we work on the trauma I will have less stuff for H to hook into AND more confidence navigating the outside world which may get me out faster than hitting leaving head on.

The past few weeks have definitely given me new insight on where I am at with my trauma! It is weird to look around and be SO much healthier AND painfully aware on a completely new level how much work still needs to be done.

When new T was doing the somatic work and touched the spot on my body where I hold the worst of my trauma I braced. Any time I have been touched there I have a huge fight or flight reaction. I braced not knowing if I was going to fly off the table into the corner or if I was going to attack him... and nothing happened... there was no reaction... it was OK for him to be there. It is SO hard to walk away from that, from the hope that created. I have been told over and over that the best I can do is to just lock that trauma up and never ever let it out... and he created a space where it would be safe to release that trauma... it would take time but get it released. Even awesome T NEVER went near that trauma. Any time we got close to it I would start getting too uncomfortable and was not responding to the things he was offering to help me feel safe so he would back off.

I have invited him to talk to awesome T a couple of times and will put it back out there again. He thinks awesome T was just an enabler for 4 years... convincing him of where I was at when I started with awesome T is really hard. I have been reflecting a lot on the first year+ with awesome T and how many different things he tried to help me learn what safe felt like and to experience safety. He told me towards the end of our work that he never wanted to overstep my trust... looking back that was always the #1 priority with him... he would push and encourage but never, never overstep my trust.

I guess one of the things that I am learning is that with trauma and pain as bad as what I have lived with my whole life society doesn't think I should have been able to function at all. By all rights I should be dead or broken beyond any means of functioning. Even I am having a hard time believing it right now... I have a ton of memories that my family has validated, a TON they have shared or hinted at that I don't remember, and a little that I remember that is not validated but very reasonable given the other stuff...

Total side bar but not worth starting another thread for... It would be kinda neat if Awesome T and his wife (an author) would help me publish an autobiography. I used to think about it a long time ago but didn't want to upset my family... now I know, strangely enough, that my family would embrace it even though they created so much of the pain.

Fingers crossed we can work it out... and more importantly that I can recognize if we really are working it out or if I am just too scared to let go when I need to...

[AliceKate]

Yes, fingers crossed. But Omers, if you don't mind me pointing this out, you are increasingly setting very high hopes into what you originally intended to be a closure session with very low expectations towards. I'm not saying to not have hope, I think you should, but I would urge for a balanced approach. Both hope AND fear have a place in life.

[Omers]

Thanks AliceKate, I noticed that too... I think I am feeling pretty desperate at this point. Unfortunately I am more than open to repairing the rupture but it is up to him if he wants to repair on his end and I can't control that.

[AliceKate]

Nothing wrong with being open to it. I don't find it unfortunate at all, hope is a good thing

[Waterbear]

The past few weeks have definitely given me new insight on where I am at with my trauma! It is weird to look around and be SO much healthier AND painfully aware on a completely new level how much work still needs to be done......

Wow... I totally relate to this Omers, and to something else you mentioned. Let me see if I can phrase this right.... I don't expect that my trauma comes close to yours, but our human responses to trauma can be so wildly different, that even though what we experienced may have been different, our responses could have been similar. And your total shutdown, total freezing and complete lack of feeling safe which you mentioned in another post also rang so true for me. Because of how far you came with Awesome T, getting someone to see where you started can be insanely difficult. I got lucky and found a T who constantly (maybe too often) both sees my daily struggle to feel safe in therapy AND how far I have come. Like you, I had an Awesome T of my own, and many may have seen her as an enabler. Only you know the truth though. Only you know the progress that you have made because of that relationship. Because of that work. If your New T can't see that, then I think that would upset the work that you two could do going forwards. I wonder if there is any more you could do to try and help him undererstand? Especially as a relatively new T he may not have any experience of clients who are so 'lost' to themselves and the world around them.

And as for your H being off limits? Yep, mine was too, for the first couple of years. Any T should totally accept this... It is your therapy and only you get to decide what to talk about. And you are right when you say that working on general healing can lead to changes in a situation that is off limits. It did for me, and I found a way to escape the relationship in the end. It's your path, and your journey.

I also totally get your struggle to find someone to work with. I was in the same boat both times I have looked for someone, it's just so damn difficult and I wish I could do more than empathise with you.

I am so sorry you are in such a bind...

[Omers]

I tried showing new T a collage I did with Awesome T that shows a little closer to where I started... but then I am not sure how accurate that is. But in fairness I door knobbed him with it. New T was totally shocked that I knew what door knobbing was... REALLY???? anyway...
Awesome T compared me to the girl from the book/movie "Where The Crawdads Sing" so I may see if new T has read the book or seen the movie. To be honest even when Awesome T mentioned that I thought he was kind of off the mark... He should have seen me when First T met me!!

I don't believe in comparing trauma either. I have read a lot of books on trauma and autobiographies and thought about how difficult it must have been for the person I was reading about. But they were so limited in what they shared about the person in public or normal social settings. Now I work nights and can't read with my job but I can have the TV/Movies going in the background... watching things is so much different.

I want to ask awesome T about it but I know he will not give me an answer. The one person who would give me an answer would be First T but she has advanced dementia. I remember sitting at her breakfast table long, long after she was my T and her saying how very incredibly scared I was and how helpless she felt not being able to get past that fear.